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• pandachan76
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Birthday
• 1976-01-03
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• Female
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• Washington State
Member Since
• 2004-01-04
Occupation
• Freelance Writer, theOtaku.com Administrator, OtakuBoard Category Moderator for Community, Anime Screener for ADV Films, Bandai, FUNimation, Viz and Central Park Media.
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• Gail Shimura-Brightbill

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Achievements
• I possess the magical ability to make the general public believe I am a normal adult and not an anime otaku.
Anime Fan Since
• The first time I saw Doraemon as a kid.
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• Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach, Saiyuki, Robotech and many other anime series and movies. Too much to list!
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• Make theOtaku.com the best anime web community on the internet.
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• Writing, anime, manga, working with animals, attending anime conventions, cosplay, making new friends and spending time with my loved ones.
Talents
• I can quote random lines from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.




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myOtaku.com: Panda


Friday, October 7, 2005

   Introspective Post Ahead - You've been warned!

Why am I here? What is my purpose?

I am not sure if it is the change in the seasons, the constant illness or what but all day today I have been feeling really lonely. Lonely and kind of sad too. I spent the day listening to music and trying to get motivated to do some article writing...but failing miserably. I found my mind wandering. Questions of what my purpose in life, what I have to offer this world, started to plague my thoughts. I know we all do this. We wonder why and what our existence means in the whole scheme of things.

I think of the future and what it holds for me. I worry about being alone. What happens if something happens to John? He really does mean the world to me and without him I don't think I could make it in this world. My health insurance is through his company and if he were gone...I would be dead...literally. The cost of my medications really is outrageous. Put it this way. The money I spend on medications, lab test and doctor appointments a month would equal the monthly car payment for a nice $32K car. My mom who has been dealing with RA for 30+ years was just told by her (and my doc) that she needs to have surgery on a couple of her fingers. Her thumb has turned completely sideways at a right angle to the joint. It looks like the letter "L" laying on it's side. This is what I have in my future: steroid injections into the joints and multiple surgeries.

I called a few friends but they couldn't chat long because they were at work or had other obligations. Chatting with Jen I could hear everyone joking and laughing in the background and I really missed it. Jen works at the vet clinic I use to work at before getting sick. I use to be a part of that. This makes me really miss working with the animals. I miss joking around with my co-workers. I miss being a part of that life I use to live.

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?


I know this was a pretty heavy post. We all have issues in our lives. Mine are probably silly compared to others but I just wanted to share my jumbled up thoughts and feeling with all of you, my friends. I feel better when I write. When I get my thoughts down on paper...or in this case on the net... I feel much better. I hope there is at least one person out there who connects with me. It makes me feel like maybe I am not so alone in the world. That someone out there understands my feelings of isolation. This awful feeling of being sad and alone in the world with the feeling your life has no purpose.

Why am I here? What is my purpose? I guess in the end I know what the answer is, I am here to live. Live my life and be happy to the best of my abilities. That is really all I know for sure.



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