Tuesday, October 16, 2007

   Dude, things suck.
Current Mood: Tired
Current Song: Shut Me Up by Mindless Self Indulgence (ick... I can't understand how I can be tired while listening to that song XD)

Post from my LJ four days ago:

I don't recognize who my father is anymore. I used to love to hang around with him and thought he was so awesome. Now it's anything but. I hate coming home because I know he'll be there. I hate hanging around him because he'll only talk about how miserable he is. He wasn't like this before he got his new job... now he's turned into a totally different person. He always talks about how terrible his life is and how he's dead inside and that nothing makes him happy. I cry a lot because I can't do anything to help him and I feel so utterly useless.

This morning I was eating some pancakes and I spilled an assload of syrup all over my pants. I got really pissed off because I had to leave for school in about 5 minutes and my legs were all sticky from it. I had to change my pants and whenever Dad asked me what was wrong, I said that I felt like nothing could ever go right and that nothing was ever easy-because that's how I honestly feel. He yelled at me that it was nothing to be upset over and that his day was going to be worse than that in 5 minutes. I know that it was a little childish to be upset over spilling syrup on my pants, but it was like him saying that my problems didn't matter. I ended up crying as my mom drove me to school and crying AT school whenever Christian asked me what was wrong. My face, eyelids, and heart felt heavy for the 1st and the majority of 2nd period.

I've tried sympathizing with him. I've tried to understand how he feels... and I do to some degree, because I've been depressed before and kind of am now (I have to take anti-depressants, so I guess that puts me in that category). But he's pushed everyone so far away that I'm not even going to bother understanding anymore. I hate him being this way.

The only time he's ever happy is when he's with his friend Laura... I've suspected him having an affair with her for a while and Mom admitted that she's afraid of that too. Maybe he should just leave his whole family and be with her if everything else is so painful to him.

I hate this.

So that's my current affair right now. Other than I'm the fact that I'm only in the second week of mine and Elijah's relationship and I'm already picking him apart, analyzing what's wrong with him. *punches herself in face* I always fuck up being with people for myself because I do that EVERY TIME. Whenever I'm around him I feel more confindent about us, though, and forget everything that's supposedly "wrong" with him. Ugh... I wish I could shut off my brain sometimes and just accept people for who they are and embrace the beauty the possess.

Of course, my situation is completely dwarfed by Alicia's problem, a.k.a NaeNae (yes, whenever things are serious, I call my internet friends by their real name). Her father was in a motorcycle accident and injured his spine and head. She has to travel to Tennessee because the doctors say that he's not going to make it and she may have to pull the plug. Please pray for her and keep her and her father in her thoughts. I can't imagine how terrible this must be for Alicia, and we all have to be strong for her. Please, I beg you, pray for her father.

Well, I'm really tired and I have to take a shower. I'm not as depressed as I always seem, I'm actually a whole lot better than I was since I started taking my meds again, but... eh. I just want things to be better.
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Monday, October 8, 2007

=_=
Current Mood: Tired/Aggravated
Current Song: Wish by Nine Inch Nails

Aaaaaaaaahhh, Goddammit. -_- Friday was a really good day, but it went downhill around 7. I was really nervous about my date (we decided to see Transformers... again) the entire day and I got ready early and was really excited and my stomach kept on knotting itself up. Around 6:45 Elijah called me and said that his parents were dropping him off downtown, when we were supposed to meet around 7:30. I told him okay and that I would be there soon and I got my shoes on and was ready to roll. Five minutes later, he calls me telling me that he got grounded in the amount of time I hadn't talked to him.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

What happened was that he had his cigarettes (yes, he smokes -__-) in his sleeve and he thought the case was closed, but turned out it wasn't. They spilled out from his sleeve and his dad noticed, and that ensued. I don't blame him, I blame the law of gravity. He was so upset about it, he kept on apologizing to me over and over again. I feel bad for him because he got grounded and everything. He's so sweet. ♥

And if that wasn't enough, once my mom found that out, she told me what had happened to her that day. She got fired from her job. A woman who quit earlier to take care of her children decided that her kids were driving her crazy and wanted to come back to work. Unfortunately, my mom had her job and they wanted her rather than my mom. This isn't a good thing, since my dad is so miserable with his job that he talks about suicide constantly.

Ick. That was my weekend. Now I'm trying to stall from doing my immense amount of German homework. *grows fangs and rips up workbook* Heheh. >D
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Friday, October 5, 2007

   Homecoming Rules XD
Current Mood: Excited/nervous
Current Song: umbrella by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Spongebob Squarepants

Heeeeey, everyone. :3 Last night was baaaaaaaad. At first I was so happy and I was so hyper because Elijah and I messaging each other for about 45 minutes straight, and well.... I'm a girl, so I got all giddy about it. XD; However, my mom and dad got home really angry at each other and they started fighting. Since I'm trying to fight off depression and I'm already super sensitive, I went into my room and cried for about 10-15 minutes, got out, and waited for my brother to get out of the shower while I layed on his bed. My mom came in with her purse and keys, like she was going to leave. I busted out sobbing and ran into the bathroom and took my shower. When I was in there, I continued to cry and punished myself. I didn't cut or anything, but I pulled my hair, scratched myself, and punched my chest until a bruise was there. I don't know why I do this stuff, but it feels like I'll go insane if I don't. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs at times like that. Mom came into the bathroom while I was taking a shower and talked to me for a little while. Once I was done, Mom and Dad both talked to me and I couldn't help me cry the entire time. I hate whenever I shed tears in front of people, it makes me feel so weak and like I can't control my emotions. Luckily, I fell asleep fast because on instinct I always go to sleep when I'm upset so I don't have to deal with it.

Today was pretty good. :3 In Art we took notes on fantasy art while watching some of "Jason and the Argonauts." Whenever the hydra came out, all I could think about was DIRU's "Hydra" (BTW... I can't wait until I hear the remix :O). XD Once we were done with that, we started on a sheet dealing with artists that specialize in fantasy, op, or pop art. Salvador Dali was on there and I almost screamed. XD I love his work so much. I got a book of Dali from the shelf and looked through it and I didn't really get most of the assigment done because I was just so in awe of his paintings. His oils paintings are just.... breathtaking. They also had some of his sketches and watercolors, but none of his photographs. D: Still beautiful, though. ♥ In German I mostly just talked to Elijah and Nicole for the first half. XD Our substitute doesn't really pay attention, so that helped. But Elijah and I decided that we're going to see Transformers tonight at the dollar theater. :3 We've both already seen it, but we love it so much that we don't mind. XD; I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. @_@ Geometry was... well, it was Geometry. -_- It seemed super long today because we were having a pep rally instead of 4th period and I was getting antsy waiting for it. OMFG, during lunch Korki and her boyfriend bit me... and she bit me so hard that it left a bruise after a few seconds. o_o I could feel the teeth marks hours after she did it and it still hurts (it's now 5:30 and she bit me around 12:20 o_o). Ouchies. ;~; Around 1 my English class went to the gym to get ready for the pep rally and I sat beside Gaia and Devon. Eventually Korki came to sit beside me too. It was really fun, I got to talk to them and everything. Elijah dropped by for a few seconds but decided that it was too crowded and went to go sit with his friends. I was kinda glad... I mean, I really like him, but I don't want to be one of those couples who feels like they have to spend every single minute of every single day together. Anyway, we cheered for almost everyone and whenever Nicole and Becca came out carrying the German club banner, Gaia and I were the ones cheering the loudest. XD It was pretty funny. There were this whole group of kids would start dancing and eventually we did too, and were the only white kids dancing to it. XD It was so fun just being stupid and screaming my lungs out. Unfortunately, my bad hearing kicked in. My right ear is really bad, and sometimes I'm partially deaf in it... occasionally my equilibrium gets thrown off by it too. And that's what happened at the pep rally from all the yelling and screaming. ;o; I'm better now, but damn, it sucked. Once school let out and I went outside to start walking home, I saw that a fight was going on in the area where kids get picked up and dropped off. There were two boys on the ground with an officer on top of them screaming "DON'T MOVE!" He handcuffed one of them and had to get an officer to handcuff the other. At my school, if you're over 16 and you get into a fight on campus, you're arrested. But I didn't feel one bit sorry for them, the stupid bastards.

Eeeeeeeh, I'm so nervous and I have two hours until my date. @//@ Wish me luck, you guys~!
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Thursday, October 4, 2007

   Seize the Day or Die Regretting the Time We Lost...
Current Mood: Exhausted
Current Song: Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold
Currently Watching: The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy

Heeeeeey, everybody. Damn, I'm tired. Today was good, but I'm tired. In Art we took a test and during the last twenty minutes watched some of "Jason and the Argonauts" and take notes on it. -__- During German we studied for a test for about the first 20-30 minutes, although I talked a whole lot to Elijah and Nicole. @_@ OMFG, Elijah ate two packs of sour skittles during class and had about three before. o_o He's gonna get diabetes. It was really cute, though, he couldn't open the packs and would hand them to me so I could open them all ashamed. XD A guy came in to talk to us about fundraisers and we just passed notes the entire time. He ended up calling me dorky, but cute. o//o We had to take a listening test and it was super hard. -_- I hate listening tests. Since I was dressed up as Japanese for cultural day, our substitute (Frau Stammerjohann is gone until Tuesday... her father had a stroke, so she had to go back to Denmark ;~;) kept on talking to me in really bad Japanese. XD The class kept on staring at me and it embarassed me, but I didn't want to be rude, so I kept on speaking in Japanese. @_@ Everybody kept on asking me questions and a stoner kid asked me if I was Japanese. I looked at him with a completly straight face and said "yeah, I'm 1/6 Japanese." His eyes got really big and I eventually laughed and said "dude, I'm just fucking with you." I could probably pass off as 1/6 Japanese because of my eye shape and color, and hair color. In Geometry we took tons of notes and did an assload of worksheets. We went over our test, too... I got an 86! ^0^ It's nearly as I good as I aspire to, but it's better than I've been doing. Katie called me a weebo during lunch. XD In English we had a to write an essay the entire time.... I hated it so much. *headdesk* At least I got some time to myself once I finished. Also, Gaia came over and talked to me and I found out that she wasn't pissed at me, she was pissed at Nicole. Thank God (I mean, I don't want her to be pissed at Nicole, but I was happy that she wasn't pissed at me... is that selfish?). @o@ German club fucking SUCKED. Nicole had a family problem so she had to go home immediately and Becca had to go to work, which means she had to take Molly with her. And Elijah, I guess, just wanted to go home. That left me to be the only one to finish the homecoming banner. -__- I only had to put the crepe paper on the edge, but it would've been nice to have someone with me. ;~; After that I had to carry it downstairs by myself and that thing is HEAVY and BIG. Luckily, some really nice girl asked me if I need help and helped me carry it down. :3 Once that was done, I waited there for about 30 minutes so that they could hang the banner up. x_x There was another nice girl from the math club who helped me tape my banner so it could hang from the rails and everything. I was happy that people helped me, but I wish I could've had my friends there. T~T Once I got home, I was so happy that I didn't have homework and could relax.

Ack, I still don't know where I'm going to take Elijah this weekend if we're going to go on a date. I haven't even asked him if he's doing anything yet. @_@ I'm thinking of bowling or going to the arcade since there's nothing good at the theaters.

I'm probably gonna take a nap now. Love you guys~!
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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

   Dun dun dun...
Current Mood: Bubbly
Current Song: Arterial Black by Dirst (sp? I dunno, it was on Guitar Hero XD)

Okay, I have news... although you probably already know what it is. XD Elijah asked me out today. :3 I was in German and we were watching a movie, and Nicole and Elijah were passing notes. I was curious and tried to take a peek and she frantically covered it up. I knew that they were writing about me and it was driving me crazy. Eventually he passed ME a note and it said "okay... I don't know how to ask this without sounding like a retard, but, will you go out with me?" It was like middle school all over again, but I couldn't help but smile... I had a stupid grin on my face for like 5 minutes straight. @//@ Nicole made us sit together and I just kinda sat there blushing with that awkward silence thick in the air between us. We were passing notes, but they weren't about anything in particular. I gotta figure out where to go with him this weekend... any suggestions?

I need to talk to Storm and Gaia (his sister, who's also my friend) because she looked kinda pissed (although I don't know at me... she said she was okay with it, but still). But I'm just gonna throw my worries away. I'm not gonna think about him moving away to Florida at the end of the year. For once I'm gonna think about myself first. Right now I'm just trying to focus on what I have right now.
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Tuesday, October 2, 2007

   Euphemism five~! >D
Current Mood: Relieved
Current Song: Welcome to the Jungle by Guns n' Roses
Currently Watching: Scrubs

Guess who had no homework today~... hehe. :3 It's the first time this year that I haven't had to do a shit load of homework after I've spent all day at school. I got to play Guitar Hero once I got home too... and I pwned its ass. ^__^v Too bad my pinky hurts from it, though. @_@

Art class is getting better since we're actually drawing, but Art 1 was still so much better. ;o; German has got worse because our teacher is really pissed off since a lot of people are doing super bad on their grades and not doing their homework. It kinda sucks since I'm belting everything I've got and have a 97.9 average. :/ We got assigned seats today, so that means Nicole and Devon were moved away from me... but it's not that bad because I have Elijah beside me, though. ^//^ Still, I'd rather have my girls beside me. ;o; Geometry... well, that's not going to stop sucking until after this semester-when I don't have it anymore. XD English is okay, but all the retards are still pissing me off.

I got really freaked out today because in English Gaia (Elijah's sister and my friend) told me that she needed to talk to me in private about him. o_o I was really nervous until she pulled me over and actually started explaining everything. She told me that she knows that he likes me and that I like him... and that she thinks it's cute. Also, he hasn't liked someone in a really long time as much as he likes me (o//o). The only reason he hasn't asked me out is because he's moving at the end of the school year (I already know that, but it sucks ;~;) and doesn't want it to turn into a long distance relationship. Supposedly he's really depressed about it and doesn't know what to do. I told Becca and Nicole about it and they want me to just ask him out but I'm so afraid of rejection or hurting him or someone else I care about... God, I think too much. -__- I hate the drama that comes with relationships and/or liking someone. I should just stop thinking about it and just wait until something happens or until my mind forces me to do something.

I have a career day tommorow and guess what that means... no art class and whenever we get back into German, we're just going to watch movies and eat snacks!!! ^0^ Hell yes! I better take a shower. (Wow... random @_@) Love you guys~!
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Saturday, September 29, 2007

Ick.
Current Mood: Apathetic
Current Song: Stealing Society by System of a Down

You guys, I've been using LJ and MySpace (...I don't even like it. I don't know why I use it. @_@) a lot lately. I'll still be on here, but I haven't been as much and I don't want to sever my ties with you guys. I love all of you!!! D:

Add me as-

egnirysbust on LJ

and dead.angle.show on MySpace.

Anyway... that's all said and done. I've started taking my depression pills again and I have been for about a week. I started crying whenever I asked my mom, because I knew that my parents were so proud of me for getting off of them and I finally felt normal for once. I hate having to take those damn things... like I have to put something in my body to actually make me feel human. The good thing is, I've felt a little better since I've started taking them. It's helped ease my anxiety and depression, although I'm still pretty sensitive about stuff. My dad said that he wanted to die the other day (once again) and I started crying in front of him.

Drama's ensuing... another thing I don't need. I made friends with a guy named Elijah about three weeks ago, who's Gaia's twin brother. He's so awesome... he's funny, sweet, is a DIRU fan, and is into Japanese stuff (although not nearly as heavy as I am). I've started liking him and he said that he likes me. Pretty sweet, huh?

Nope.

Storm likes him. Finally whenever someone comes into my life that actually LIKES me and isn't a totally asshole or stalker, a block comes up. All my friends say that I should date him if he asks me out anyway, but I don't want to do that to her. Whenever Kala did that to me and whenever Melody tried to do that to me TWICE, I felt like nothing. And I never want to make anyone I care about feel like that. Stacie eventually told Storm and Storm said that I need to date him... and that if I don't, she'll be mad at me for it. It want to... I really want to, but I don't know if I will. I probably don't even need a boyfriend right now.

Ick. So that's my life right now. It's better than it was since I'm not wanting to break down crying every night. I love you guys. Hope to see some adds from ya... mata ne.
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Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm Fucked in the Head
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Song: Blinded in Chains by Avenged Sevenfold

I'm so depressed lately. I feel hopeless and like nothing's going to ever work out. I keep on thinking about college and jobs and everything that's not going to come in a few years. I wish I could shut my brain off. I was actually so upset today that I had to lay down in the shower and cry. I hate feeling like this. I don't have a lot of time to myself.

35 hours of school per week.
At least 10 hours of homework per week.
At least 2 hours of German club per week.

I have to go to German club every day this week except for Friday. I know it's my fault for signing up for it, but it's for college.

There I go worrying about college again.

Goddamn. I think I need to start taking my depression pills again. And I was doing so well. I'm about to cry.

Sorry for another depressing post. I gotta stop crying. Bye.
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Friday, September 14, 2007

   Too Much Sugar o_o
Current Mood: Hyper
Current Song: dead tree by Dir en grey

This morning I was super depressed because Dad was angry and was throwing everything and I wasn't happy to begin with. Everyone at school was asking me what was wrong and I ended almost crying a few times. We had homebase this morning to get stuff on career day coming up and vote for Homecoming people that I don't even know. I did cheer up a little bit, though, because Chelsea said that she listened to her first two Dir en grey songs~! ^o^ She listened to "dead tree" and "THE FINAL" and said that they rocked. I'm so proud of all the people that I've converted or at least made aware of Dir en grey I could cry. ^_^ During Art I finished this picture of shapes (-_-) we were drawing and I started working on the homework we are assigned and worked out a rough in of a hand in about 30 minutes. o_o It shouldn't take that long! There's this boy in my art class named Christian that's really cute but is kind of an asshole and is pretty cocky... but he's nice to me. I've developed a crush on him since last year (although I don't expect anything but being dissapointed if I try anything) and now he's talking to me as much as the pretty girls. I'm shocked and flattered, although he probably just sees me as "Rebecca, that girl." Although he did ask me for art advice the other and I was so happy-he's an amazing artist and him asking ME for advice.... wow. ^//^ Anyway, I scooted my paper off to Mrs. Verbiest (my teacher) but accidentally threw it off the table and she said "everyone pass them to me, try not to throw them at me." I bit my lip and blushed and he smiled at me. @//@ I made an even bigger fool of myself because he showed his finished picture and I told him he should look up a career in tattooing because he'd be an amazing portrait tattoo artist. He just kinda stared at me and said "okay." -_- *punches herself in the head* In German I was still a little depressed as not as much as the beginning of school. We had to read and translate some stuff out loud but I think I did a descent job. Afterward we played a game of bingo, and I got some chocolate and I felt better. ^^; The last few minutes we got to talk and Nicole figured out how to say "where are my pants?" in German. XD In Geometry we didn't do any math, we just created a mission statement for our class. It was boring, but it's a whole of a lot better than math. :3 In English we presented posters on what we believe. I talked about "I Believe in Unity" and talked about how I believe that you don't have to speak the same language to understand someone and that emotions and actions speak louder than words ever could. I talked about how much Dir en grey has affected that idea and that I wanted to become a Japanese translator to help everyone understand each other better. I was so nervous whenever I was doing it that I was shaking REALLY hard and my voice was quivering so much that it sounded like I was crying. My friend Gaia thought I was just really passionate about it (she couldn't see my face), and I was also afraid that people thought it was stupid. I don't care whether people think that the fact a band has influenced me so much is stupid or not, but I was afraid that I had worded it wrong and didn't give the idea justice. A couple of people said that I did really well, though, so that made me feel better. After that we watched some more of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. I get so pissed off whenever people talk really loud during it because I'm a total Star Wars junkie. XD Nicole came home with me for a little while and we did our German homework together... we had 12 pages in our workbook, so it was nice having someone else to do it with. @_@ She left after an hour and I finished my Geometry homework. I still have to finish my art homework and poster for German before I go to Stacie's house tommorow. @_@ I ended up playing Naruto: Clash of the Ninja 2 with my brother for like 2 hours afterwards and I was super hyper afterwards. I'm a whole lot more happy than I was yesterday. I can be so bipolar sometimes, though... it makes me crazy. -__-


Thank you for everything you've shown me. You guys are amazing. ♥

Well, I better get off and work on my poster. I love you guys. Mata ne~!
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Thursday, September 13, 2007

Shit
Current Mood: Pissed off/Depressed/Hungry
Current Song: The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson

Since I last posted, I had another fight with my mom and she pissed me off again. The first one was because I had erased an episode of LA Ink and she said "thanks" really sarcastically like you do to someone who immensely annoys you or that you hate... or both. I stormed off from her snapping at me sat in my room for a while and she got pissed because I got pissed. I'm sorry that I don't appreciate being treated like shit for tiny little things such as eraseing a show on the DVR. Today I came home and she told me that I could shred both blocks of cheese that she bought for quesodillas. I said I probably wouldn't, since I might want to eat them with crackers or something. Then when she thought I couldn't hear anymore, she said "Of course you won't. That would be helpful." I'm so tired of her talking behind my back and acting like I'm just a burden. The only reason I haven't stood up to her is because I want to hang out with Stacie and Storm this weekend to get away from her. I'm the daughter she never wanted or asked for, so why should she not be annoyed with me? I guess working out until you're about to fall over from exaustion, listening to Dir en grey, and self-mutilation helps a little bit too.

Sorry for the uneventful, depressing, shitty post once again.

I'm not happy right now.
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