Thursday, February 15, 2007

   Give me [mu]...
Current Mood: Depressed
Current Song: 24ko Cylinders by Dir en grey

So, yesterday was really good until about 9:30 p.m. My mom found out something about me that I wish I could've hidden from her better. Whenever she asked me about it, I could feel my throat tighten up and I was overcome with a wave of naseau. I'm not going to say what it is just in case someone I don't want to see this gets a hold of my website. But she made me feel so ashamed of myself and really lowered my self-esteem.... I had already felt bad about myself all week (I was feeling more ugly and fat than usual), but she slammed it through the ground when she told me "I'm not going to lose my marriage over you". Luckily, I didn't cry all that much whenever I went to sleep. I think I'm used to the fact that I'm more worthless than the average person.

Despite all of this, please, don't feel sorry for me. I got myself into this shit and if my family is torn apart by it, it's my fault. The last thing I need is someone's pity to make me think that this type of thing is okay.

In Orchestra we didn't play as long as we normally did, but I kinda wished that we had. After we were done playing I sat down on the floor and stared at the ceiling while some of the things Mom said to me last night replayed in my head over and over again. Hearing it made tears start to well up in my eyes, but luckily I didn't cry. Storm kept on trying to ask me what was wrong, but then I just lied to her and told her I was tired and didn't feel all that well. It was true-I kept nodding off throughout the whole day and my stomach hurt like hell-but, I still wasn't entirely honest. Then "-mushi-" started playing in my head and I thought I was going to cry again. I feel so ashamed. In Art, it just got worse. I kept on telling myself how worthless and selfish I was and for some reason "anata no sei" ("it's your fault") kept on repeating itself in my head. I felt so weak and small, that I eventually had to listen to some DIRU to cheer me up. During lunch I had a dry sarcasm to my jokes that made Stacie and Korki realize something was wrong. And, of course, I lied to them too. Before the beginning of science dear little Korki was trying to cheer me up and she wrote "KYO!!! :D" on the back of my paper. She can be such a sweetheart. So, I hugged her and told her "thank you, Korki! I love you!" During Science, I zoned out, like I always did and I wasn't as depressed as I was, thank God. I tried thinking about Kyo to cheer myself up, but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. And, to the truth, that only made me more depressed because I kept on thinking about how I'm such a vulgar little idiot who keeps on chasing dreams that will never come true. Like Kyo would want to waste his time with an obsessive, ugly, stupid fangirl. Anyways, in English we finished the last report (it was on discrimination against Japanese-Americans, but it only pissed me off because they kept on pronouncing stuff wrong -_-), and watched a little bit of "Edward Scissorhands." :D At least that made me happy-I had to hug my English teacher to thank her. @_@ After school Bobby told me how he went on YouTube last night and looked up Gackt videos. And he told me that Gackt was the only man he ever thought was incredibly hot. XDDD; I told him "yeah, Gackt seems to have that effect on people."


Even though I'm not all that much a fan of Gackt (I like his music, it's just that sometimes he can be really stuck-up), you can't help but admit you'd so hit that.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing post, guys. Hopefully I'll be super-happy and back to normal crackheady Momo tommorow since it's gonna be Kyo's birthday. V^-^V Love you guys. Mata ne.
+Momo+
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