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Friday, April 20, 2007


   Hai ni Naru
Current Mood: Depressed/Hungry
Current Song: zakuro by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Scrubs


Last night was terrible. It was just one thing that pushed me off the edge, but it made me miserable. Everyone was happy and we were watching "30 Rock" and "Scrubs" together, but Mom had been a little on edge... who knows why. She was yelling at Logan (my brother) so that made Dad angry and she kept on overreacting over the tinest things. Dad later apologized for snapping at her and she said that it was okay, although she slammed something on the ground. Dad stood up and screamed "WHY DON'T I JUST KILL MYSELF NOW? I SEEM TO DO EVERYTHING WRONG!" That hurt me so much, I started crying on the spot. Luckily I was in my bedroom, and I covered my mouth before anyone could hear me. I cried for about 30 minutes until I stared at the wall and fell asleep.

Whenever I woke up this morning, I had a headache and my eyes hurt from crying so much last night. Whenever I got to school, my friends were freaked out that I was wearing my school shirt, but the principal asked us to wear our school colors to show our support for the victims of Virginia Tech. In Orchestra our teacher, once again wasn't very bitchy, so that was nice. After playing, I studied some Japanese and listened to "Merciless Cult" and "dead tree." In Art we did two worksheets on drawing in three dimensions they way we are now, but that was easy for me. Then, she wanted us to start on our homework, which is to draw our name like we are now, and I decided to write the kanji for "Momo." I didn't start for a while, though, I just kinda layed my head down and stared at the wall. I was really depressed, tired, and didn't feel like doing anything, but I told myself that sulking wouldn't fix anything and I'd have to start the project in my free time if I didn't start it then. During lunch, Matt asked to see my arm and freaked out over the bruise. XD He' such a spaz. But at the end of lunch, everyone was circling around the office and Nicole and Stacie were wondering what was going on. They asked a police officer (we have about 5 in the cafeteria during lunch o_o;) what was going on and they told them that there was a rumor going around that there was going to be a school shooting in 4th period. Whenever I heard that, I got my cell phone, went into the bathroom, and called my mom. There were about 12 other girls in the bathroom too asking their parents to pick them up. Mom told me that she would see what was going on, but I really wanted her to come. I was shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. There've been wanna-be shootings all over my state and 7 schools had to be locked down in a whole day in a city about an hour away. I was worried all week that someone might threaten a shooting, since I know about 50% of people at my school at least carry knives-what stops them from carrying guns? Besides, most kids buy their guns off the streets or find their parents' guns and take it to school. Since the bell had rang whenever I was talking to Mom, I hurried to science. Everyone was nervously making jokes about being shot and a gunman coming in and killing everyone. That didn't really help. Luckily, I was called down to the office, got my shit, and met with Mom. There were about 30 people in the hallway, trying to get their kids. Nicole and Kala were going home too. Whenever we walked out of the building, Mom told me something that was completely out of the blue-she got fired from her job. Immediately, I screamed "WHAT?!" and she explained to me that she got fired because apparently she filed something wrong. I was furious and almost in tears. My dad has been unemployed for about a year and lives like a zombie. Mom was the only person bringing income into our family. I would help, but I'm not old enough to work... they probably wouldn't take my money anyway. Whenever I got home, I went to my room and started working on the homework for Art, but I ended up just laying my head on my pillow and started crying. We needed that money. Mom's boss could've fired someone else. I was so frustrated and so angry and so scared about the shooting, that I didn't feel like doing anything anymore. I tried playing my bass and started crying again. But Mom came in and asked me if I was crying and I told her no... luckily my red eyeshadow covered up how my eyes get pink and puffy whenever I cry. I ended up watching "The Descent" since I had rented it last week and didn't watch it. It was okay, but not as great as everyone said it was-one of Dad's magazine said it was the best horror movie of the year. Eventually I came out and fell asleep on the couch and saw that Dad was home and I heard Mom crying.

So, that was my day. How fantastic, huh? I feel like shit and my eyes hurt. And I feel so alone. I don't have any of my friends here to talk to about it who'll take me seriously... I have you guys to talk to, but you're all so far away. I just want someone to honestly talk to heart to heart and hold. It hurts so much. I want to cut extremely badly... the worst part is that I know where a razor is; but I can't cut because it'll just cause more pain for my parents. That's the last thing they need right now.
+Momo+

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