Tuesday, May 15, 2007

   The Maze is so Cold
Current Mood: Depressed, Cold
Current Song: THE DEEPER VILENESS by Dir en grey
Currently Watching: Spongebob Squarepants

These past two days are some of the shittiest that I've had in a long time. I feel like just laying down and not waking up... everytime I do, I want to go back to sleep.

It started yesterday in Art. I was already pissed off about orchestra, but then the chick beside me in Art wanted to read my Marilyn Manson book. I didn't really mind since I was trying to take a nap, although I was already awake. I listened to some loud DIRU songs to try to wake myself up, and then I just sat around for a little while. The girl kept on reading my book, but I didn't let her know that I wanted to read it. I started getting pissed off, but she had no idea that I wanted to read it. I guess I was also pissed because I brought the book for ME to read, not her. During lunch everyone kept on pestering me, asking "what's wrong?" I told them that I'm tired of not being able to stand up to people and let then take advantage of. Everyone kept on saying shit like "I love you, Becky!", when they really were one of the many sources of the problem. I just wanted to be alone and away from my "friends", the ones who make me doubt myself so and feel like I don't matter. Nicole was complaining about how everyone makes fun of her head and I eventually told her to suck it up. I might have burned that bridge forever, but I don't give a shit. I'd actually be relieved, I'm being thinking of ways to break it off with her. Also, Stacie told this really cute boy named Spencer that I have a major crush on that I like Dir en grey (so does he, but I've been way too shy to even introduce myself to him) and she pointed to me whenever I had oreo hanging out f my mouth. I kinda waved them blushed and looked down. I'm such a loser. V_V In Science Matt didn't even talk to me because he was afraid of me and Korki treated me very gently because she could tell that I was close to the breaking point, if not already past it. In English, I spent most of the time trying to not to cry since I lost all of my notes on my Jupiter project that's due in two weeks AND my lyrics I'm using for an English project. Unfortunately, my English teacher saw me and asked me what was wrong. She let it go after a while. Like I usually do whenever I'm really depressed, I went straight home after school and walked by myself and started crying. Unfortunately, Mom picked me up.... and guess who else was in the car? Nicole. Mom dropped Nicole off and started badgering me with all these questions. I explained to her that I feel like everyone takes advantage of me whenever I try to be kind and it feels like it would be easier just to be an asshole. And I'm so tired of myself because I'm not able to take a step forward because I'm afraid and I HATE myself for it. It feels like I nailed myself to the floor and everyone wipes their feet off and spits on me. If only I could rip those nails out of me. Whenever I got home, I started taking new notes on Jupiter and got tears all over my science book while I explained to my dad what was going on. -_- I just wanted to be alone. While I was taking notes, I kept on glancing up at my Kyo pictures and felt ashamed of myself. I want to be so much like him, that I forget to be Becky. To be me. Everyone associates me with being the Japanophile in love with Kyo... is that really who I am? A person trying to hide herself in someone else's skin? Most of the time, Kyo gives me so much inspiration... so much strength. But my dependance on him is also my greatest weakness. I wanted to take them pictures down but didn't have the heart. The rest of the night was better, but I eventually scratched my chest all to hell and sobbed while I was in the shower, and cried a little whenever I went to bed.



Today was better than yesterday, thank God. I didn't go see my friends before school, I just went to the orchestra room. Storm and Stacie saw me on the way, though, and asked me if I felt better. -_- I nodded yes. Orchestra was okay. Our teacher was a little bitchy and threatened to make us play individualy, but I'm not going to do it. I don't really give a fuck about orchestra anyways. At the end of Orchestra, Storm asked me what was wrong and I explained it to her. She hugged me and told me she loved me and asked me if a naked picture of Kyo would make me feel better. I just laughed at her, because I didn't think she would do it and because I'm still deciding on wheather or not I should keep my distance from him. The weird thing is, is that Storm actually started to draw the picture. XD I stared at the clock until she poked me on the shoulder and handed me the picture. I screamed (obviously, c'mon, it's a drawing of the most gorgeous man in the world nude) and covered my eyes and started blushing. She showed it to me again and I started screaming "stop" and running away from her, but she chased me around while laughing. XD I can't think of Kyo naked without getting really embarassed... I have no idea why. -//- After having my little seizure, I actually started to look at the picture, and he was wearing a heart necklace that had a B on it and a tattoo on his leg that's a heart with Becky under it. XD Nice. In Art everyone was finishing up their pastel renditions of famous artworks (I did Van Gogh's "The Starry Night", one of my favorite artworks EVER), but I had already finished mine. I worked on my homework that's due on Thursday, which was to draw an object from 3 different views. I drew my cell phone because I didn't really have anything else of better dimension. @_@ Afterwards, I was going to draw Kyo's kanji on paper with a flame-type background in pastels, but there wasn't enough time. It was a really cool idea, though. -_- I ended up just reading my book. We didn't really do anything in lunch. During science, I was finally feeling a little better and actually was having a somewhat descent day... until I had to open my mouth and say something stupid. Matt recently got a new skateboard and since it's Element, I asked him how much it cost. When he told me $60, I said "DUDE!!! I could buy like 3 Dir en grey CDs with that!" -_- *headdesks* Then he said, "I actually do something active with my money." That hurt, considering a fact that I'm getting a slight crush on him too. Then Olivia had to open her mouth and said "yeah, and to lose weight." I felt like she had smacked me across the face and told me I was the most worthless thing on the face of the earth. I have the lowest self-esteem out of anyone I know. So, as you can imagine, that didn't help very much, especially considering that she's told me that I'm fat before. I started tearing up and thinking about how inferior I am, but I saved the tears until my teacher turned off the lights and we watched a movie. I buried my face in my arm and started sobbing. It hurts to much to feel this way, to hate the skin you're in, and want to smash the mirror whenever you look in it. And I'm trying to lose weight, and am slowly achieving that, but I want it to go faster. I've been this way my whole life, and it's hard to break old habits. My friends didn't even notice I was crying, and they sit right beside me, which also helped justify in my mind that they don't care about me. Eventually I asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom and I felt so ashamed as he stared at me with tears streaming down my face and sniffling like a pathetic little animal. He let me go and there I tried to clean myself up, but I kept on crying. I went into the stall and scratched up my chest some more. This time I drew blood. I want to cut so bad, but this is the best I can do without making my mom truly suspicious or making the scars too bad. I eventually got to the point where I could stop crying and focus more on my burning skin. I wiped up my eyeliner and went back, and my friends didn't notice a thing. After science my teacher badgered me about what was wrong and I told him that I was having a bad week and that my aunt was having surgery on her breast cancer. He told me not to worry about it too much. In English I tried not to focus on the "fat" thing too much, althought it was eating away at the corner of my brain. After school, I immediately walked home and-

Ew. I just realized Squidward's nose kinda looks like a bottom-heavy penis. o_O

Anyway, I walked home and declined the offer to go to an ice cream shop with my mom. You can guess why.

I want to go exercise, but I feel so drained, it's a suprise that I could even type up this post. I'm sorry it's so long. Hopefully I'll have better news tommorow, and please pray for my aunt to have a speedy recovery from her surgery. Thanks for listening.
+Momo+
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