Monday, June 11, 2007

   Your Blood is so Cold
Current Mood: Tired
Current Song: Trashed and Scattered by Avenged Sevenfold

First of all, before I bitch about how miserable I am (-_-), thank you so much for all your wonderful comments about my songs. I just hope that my songs keep on getting better and better so I can fulfill my expectations.

Ehhh... yesterday wasn't all that great. My mom kept on being a bitch to my dad and that pissed me off so much. She always acts like such a snake towards him whenever all he does is try to show her love. Sometimes I think it would be better for her to divorce him than just be a bitch to him and then talk badly about him in front of me and my brother. Then later on I was on the computer watching Gaki no Tsukai and she said, "Becky, get off the computer right now. Your father has a lot of work to do and he's gonna stay up all night if you're on it." I didn't mind getting off the computer at all, but the tone she said it in and the face she had on makes it terrible. She said it with clenched teeth and her teeth bared, like she was getting ready to rip my throat out. She always talks to me like that, like I do something terrible and she wants me to dissapear for the smallest things. Like I'm useless and doesn't give a fuck what happens to me. I can't tell you how many times she's given me that look. Whenever I picture it in my mind, I want to cry. So, I went in my bedroom to practice kanji, play my bass, and I eventually just layed my head down and stared at the wall. I eventually started crying and thought about how ever since I was a child she's always broken me down and been the poison in my wine. Even whenever I get good grades, she finds a mistake in it. For example, everytime I get a progress report, I dread it. I can have all As, but that doesn't matter to her. She'll always point out a bad grade in the lower section and ask what happened. It makes me feel so useless and like I can't do anything right. That's one of the reasons I push myself so hard to do well in school. Because of her. I know how stupid and cliche it is, but I always think "just three more years until college." It's sad that I want to grown up just to get away from my mother. She pisses me off so much and I've had enough of her bullshit. I want her to get a job already so I won't have to stay around her so much making mine and my brother's life miserable. I realize how cold I am, but I'm sorry. Memories of her holding me up against the fridge while I sob and her screaming "CRY, BECKY, CRY!!!" at the top of her lungs whenever I was just a child doesn't help all that much. I think one of the underlying reasons I want to go to Japan so badly is to rid myself of her.

Last night I had a dream that I went over to Katie's house and Sydney, Nicole, Stacie, and Daniel were all there. I went over there for the mere purpose to take a drug. Whenever I smoked it at first, it tasted like alcohol and my head floated then all of the sudden I imagined I was in a Pacman game. I took another hit and it was great, it felt like I was floating. A day later (in the dream), the group was in my yard and I walked out to go see them, but I walked out into the yard without a shirt on... and I wasn't ashamed that everyone could see me in my bra. For some reason my papa was out in the yard and yelled at me to go put a shirt on. I don't really know what the dream was supposed to mean, but I'm gonna take a wild guess and go with this interpretation. My friends are exits to the things in my life that I want to go away-like my mother. The drug signifies something that makes me feel wonderful. And I guess walking out in my bra signifies self-confidence but someone's always holding me back to feel great about myself (whether it be me, my mother, etc.) All in all, I have a place where I go where I feel I can rely on someone or something and indulge in something I love. I'm not ashamed of myself in this place, but later on something holds me back and I'm not able to fully enjoy it.

Today I woke up at 12:30 and took a shower since we were going to eat lunch with my dad. I listened to Marilyn Manson's "I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" before getting dressed and I enjoyed my mother's uncomfortable expression once I came out of my room. Eventually Mom, Logan, and I went to my dad's office and went to go eat at Wendy's. For some reason I felt like I was high and my hands felt so heavy. I tried to act fine, but my head still feels like it's floating. After eating, we went to my dad's office and I borrowed some CDs to take home (Velvet Revolver's Contraband, Avenged Sevenfold's City of Evil [one of my favorite CDs of all time], and Nine Inch Nail's Year Zero). Soon enough my brother had to go to an orthodonist's appointment and my mom dropped me off at home and I watched some videos on YouTube for about half and hour until they came home. Now here I am on MyO.

I don't know why I feel so crappy. I have such a better life than most people, yet I always find something to complain about. God, I hate myself for that. Maybe I just need to sleep. Although I really should be exercising instead.
+Momo+
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