Sunday, September 2, 2007

Welcome to the Chaotic World
Current Mood: Pensive
Current Song: [KR] Cube by Dir en grey

Last night sucked so much. I was on the computer, watching Naruto and my dad was getting ready to go out to drink with his friend Greg, who only visits us like once every two months. Dad was really excited about it and was trying to decide if he wanted to walk there or not. My mom was copping an additude, she got pissed at my dad for nothing earlier that day. Whenever Dad was trying to figure out what he wanted to do, she started mumbling about what a "stupid idiot" he was and other shit. I got so angry that I turned off the computer and stormed off into my room. She always talks about him like that and I'm tired of it... like he's scum but all he does is show her nothing but love. Sometimes I just wish that she'd say those things to his face and get divorced. That way I wouldn't have to listen to all of her bullshit and saying all of those things to him is worse than saying it straightup. I went in my room and was breathing heavily and shaky (since I'm already having a hard time breathing because I'm sick) because I was so angry. She came in and asked what was wrong and I told her that I didn't want to talk about it. She asked me again what was wrong and I told her that I'd tell her whenever Daddy left. I used a really harsh tone and probably looked at her like "fuck off and die." I read Geisha, A Life for a while trying to calm down but I didn't. I'm so tired of her talking behind everyone's back. My brother told me that earlier that day she said, "I'm tired of Becky being a fucking vegetarian." Boo-hoo. She has to take me to Subway instead of McDonalds so that I can be healthier and happier. Woe is her. Once she took Dad to the bar I walked out of my room since I had been in there for about 45 minutes and my brother asked me what was wrong. I told him and I ended up sobbing in front of him. I hate doing that... but I can't help it. She treats him like shit and talks freely about it right in front of us. If anyone else talked like that about my dad, I would punch them in their smart mouth and make sure that they never would again. I went in my room and cried again and stayed there for a while. Mom came home and we ignored each other. We didn't say anything about the argument, and once again, I kept all my feelings bottled up and let her get away with saying all of those terrible things. I started wondering if she even loves Dad. Then I wondered, does she love me or Logan? We have our father's blood in us, so does she hate us because of that? I was a mistake, they didn't mean to make me, and I almost killed her when she was pregnant with me. Does she hate me for that? Does she hate me for fucking up her life and being unplanned? Would their lives be better if they had got an abortion? I know that every one will tell me differently, but I have that sense of doubt, that nagging at the back of my mind that she really would have a smile on her face if I were dead. The rest of the night we ignored each other until she said that she was going to bed and Logan asked how Dad was going to get home. She angrily sighed "I don't know", like he was some type of burden to her and she didn't give a fuck. I clenched my jaw and walked into my room and she screamed "WHAT? WHAT? YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?" at me. I just took it and said "no." I wish I could've said something. I wish I could've made her cry so she knows how it feels.

I know I'm acting like such a victim and that people have lives that are so much worse than mine and I should be happy that my mother doesn't abuse me or anything. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't wait until I go to college so I can get away from her.

Today my family went up to the mountains. I woke up at 12 and got dressed and put on my makeup and everything and sat around for a while before we got in the car. On the way I up I listened to VULGAR and tried to wash out the thought of what happened last night. When we got to the Greek restaraunt we always eat at when we go to the mountains, I ended up having to sit next to her. I tried not to think whenever I ate. Once we were done with lunch, we went uptown and went to some shops. I checked out Screamies, a shop in the spirit of classic horror movies, I was sad that they didn't have the necklace I wanted. I think it was from Alchemy Gothic, and it was a cross with a skeleton hanging off it. I really liked it, but it is now gone. T~T After that we visited some other stores and went into a new store devoted to pirates. I got a jolly roger and a pen with some skulls and a skull with a pirate captain hat on. It rocks. :3 After that we started going back home and stopped at the parkway and whenever Mom was in the cooking store and went into Claires. They had some really awesome PoTC stuff, but I didn't have enough money for it... there was a necklace that looked like Davy Jones' music box but it was $16. D: I looked around in the clearance, though, and found a zebra print watch that was originally $18 for $3. FUCK YES. I snatched that son of a bitch up and put it on as soon as I was out of the store. After that we went home and Dad was wondering around the house. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was depressed that he was starting a new job tommorow that he doesn't want to go to and is leaving one of his best friends there. He said that she loves him more than Mom does. He said he knows that she thinks he's a total moron. That broke my heart and I'm almost in tears thinking about it right now. I know that it kills my dad to know this.

Tommorow I'm going to the fair with Storm and Stacy. I'm glad that I get to spend time with them and that I'll get away from Mom. I'm desperate for anything right now. I can't even stand being in the same room with that woman.
+Momo+
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