Tuesday, October 16, 2007

   Dude, things suck.
Current Mood: Tired
Current Song: Shut Me Up by Mindless Self Indulgence (ick... I can't understand how I can be tired while listening to that song XD)

Post from my LJ four days ago:

I don't recognize who my father is anymore. I used to love to hang around with him and thought he was so awesome. Now it's anything but. I hate coming home because I know he'll be there. I hate hanging around him because he'll only talk about how miserable he is. He wasn't like this before he got his new job... now he's turned into a totally different person. He always talks about how terrible his life is and how he's dead inside and that nothing makes him happy. I cry a lot because I can't do anything to help him and I feel so utterly useless.

This morning I was eating some pancakes and I spilled an assload of syrup all over my pants. I got really pissed off because I had to leave for school in about 5 minutes and my legs were all sticky from it. I had to change my pants and whenever Dad asked me what was wrong, I said that I felt like nothing could ever go right and that nothing was ever easy-because that's how I honestly feel. He yelled at me that it was nothing to be upset over and that his day was going to be worse than that in 5 minutes. I know that it was a little childish to be upset over spilling syrup on my pants, but it was like him saying that my problems didn't matter. I ended up crying as my mom drove me to school and crying AT school whenever Christian asked me what was wrong. My face, eyelids, and heart felt heavy for the 1st and the majority of 2nd period.

I've tried sympathizing with him. I've tried to understand how he feels... and I do to some degree, because I've been depressed before and kind of am now (I have to take anti-depressants, so I guess that puts me in that category). But he's pushed everyone so far away that I'm not even going to bother understanding anymore. I hate him being this way.

The only time he's ever happy is when he's with his friend Laura... I've suspected him having an affair with her for a while and Mom admitted that she's afraid of that too. Maybe he should just leave his whole family and be with her if everything else is so painful to him.

I hate this.

So that's my current affair right now. Other than I'm the fact that I'm only in the second week of mine and Elijah's relationship and I'm already picking him apart, analyzing what's wrong with him. *punches herself in face* I always fuck up being with people for myself because I do that EVERY TIME. Whenever I'm around him I feel more confindent about us, though, and forget everything that's supposedly "wrong" with him. Ugh... I wish I could shut off my brain sometimes and just accept people for who they are and embrace the beauty the possess.

Of course, my situation is completely dwarfed by Alicia's problem, a.k.a NaeNae (yes, whenever things are serious, I call my internet friends by their real name). Her father was in a motorcycle accident and injured his spine and head. She has to travel to Tennessee because the doctors say that he's not going to make it and she may have to pull the plug. Please pray for her and keep her and her father in her thoughts. I can't imagine how terrible this must be for Alicia, and we all have to be strong for her. Please, I beg you, pray for her father.

Well, I'm really tired and I have to take a shower. I'm not as depressed as I always seem, I'm actually a whole lot better than I was since I started taking my meds again, but... eh. I just want things to be better.
+Momo+
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