Wednesday, May 31, 2006

   Oboete Iru No Deshou?
Current Mood: Sore/Sad
Current Song: OBSCURE by Dir en Grey

Alright, everyone. I know it's been a while since I posted, and two very important things happened. Because I'm lazy, I'll just report on the formal and the party I went to and school and P!nk's new CD directly on the words from my diary. Here you go-

***

Today, at school, about six or seven people were caught with packets of cold medication. It is against school rules to take medicine to school and ESPECIALLY doing what they were doing with the pills-using them as drugs. They each (for the most part) had taken about ten pills each. There was one boy who had taken thirteen and was acting so stupid that it started to scare me... and what's worse, some of those people were my friends. Even though there's only nine days of school left, they were expelled. It made me really aware of our rotting society and even more determined to not do drugs-legal or illegal.

Tonight, after much coaxing from my friends, I went to the last middle schoold ance. The eighth graders were put in the cafeteria... meaning, I had to be in the same room with Zakuro. After only about fifteen minutes of being in the cafeteria, not talking to her AT ALL, I began to cry and wanted to go home. However, I urged myself to stay because MOm had just dropped me off-I didn't want to inconvience her. So, I stayed. I watched Zakuro dance with guys she didn't even know and even one of her/mine friend's date. It disgusted me to watch her and eventually had to run off to the bathroom to puke three times because I was so upset. But during the third time, as I looked down at my steletto heels in front of the toilet, I was dissapointed in myself. STaring at the bile in the water, I told myself that I was such a stereotypical bitch and I couldn't let someone like this whore make me so miserable. So, I wiped the saliva from my lips and went back on the dance floor and actually DANCED (something I had never really done before) and actually had fun. I know that I danced AND looked like a whore, but I wasn't actually being one... I was indulging in myself, not dancing with anyone, and wasn't hurting anyone. That's all I really care about. So, I kind of had fun and I felt sexy and good about myself.

The boy I recently dated and broke up with invited me to a party, that I went to. Unfortunately, he happens to be Zakuro's next door neightbor. During a majority of the party, I ignored Zakuro, and it did work out for quite a while. However, his mom, Scarlet, asked about Zakuro's and my situation since she found it odd that we weren't hanging out together. So, I told her about what she did, and was very sympathetic and gave her own experiences to relate. I then went outside and from the corner of my eye saw Scarlet talking to Melody. I minded my own business, writing song lyrics on a paper towel, when she suddenly brought Zakuro over and gave us a talk and made us apologize to each other. She made Zakuro sit next to me, but once Scarlet left, I said to her "I'm NOT apologizing." "Fine." she shot back, her words laced with venom and walked off, going back into the house with tears blurring my vision and a lump in my throat rising. I know it'll take a while before I get over he,r but I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself 24/7. After a few tears, I was back up on my feet and having fun again.

Also, today, I bought P!nk's new album, "I'm Not Dead", to which I am currently listening. I love P!nk, her attitude reminds me of mine and shows me that people like me CAN make it big, which motivates me even further to try to squeeze into stardom. On most of the REALLY good albums I have, at least one songs makes me cry. But on this album, SIX OUT OF THIRTEEN did. The one that got me the worst was "Dear Mr. President", a song that addresses President Bush and what he has done to our already rotting country.

***


Hmm... this pic makes me happy. ^//^

I've felt really crappy lately. I've been sore and felt sick and felt guilty and selfish... it seems that everytime I do something good for people, I get good things in return. But whenever I do something for MYSELF, I get stabbed in return. I just feel like banging my head against a brick wall over and over again until I'm seeing red. Here's a song I wrote about Zakuro yesterday whenever I saw an insence holder that she made me about a year ago.... it said "I'll love you forever." I started crying and cutting up all the pictures with her in it and throwing down all the notes of hers I could find. I wish I could just forget.

If...
You said that you'd love me forever
I guess that was a lie too
All those nights of wasting away...
Does that mean anything to you?
All the torture you caused me,
I want to shove down your throat

If I could turn back the pain, would I silence myself?
If I had the chance, would I keep you dear?
The blooming lily never ceases to change
If the oppurtunity approached, would I have held you a different way?
If it came, would I be the same lonely person I am today?
Holding you in my memory
The glowing ember

The blade never seems to shut up
I thought I could trust you...
Until you turned around and shoved it all in my face
I showed you kindness, and what you did you give me?
Visions of hellfire plaque my dreams
I'd rather be dead than here

If I showed you what you've done to me, would you hate yourself for it?
If you could see all my scars, would you take back everything you said?
The blooming lily never ceases to change
If I bottled all my tears, would you even be able to look me in the eye?
If you could see the truth, how would you feel?
Holding you in my memory
The glowing ember

If I could scream my sorrows at the top of my lungs, would you hear me?
If I were to tear out my heart and give it to you, would you accept it?
The blooming lily never ceases to change
If you were to kill me again, would I forgive you?
If you were to apologize, what would I do?
Holding you in my memory
If I were the glowing ember.

There it is... I'm too tired to continue. By the way, Final Fantasy fans, FF12 comes out later this fall. Thank you, X-Play. Later.
+Momo+

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