Tuesday, June 20, 2006

   Let's Put an End...
Current Mood: Confused
Current Song: The Final by Dir en Grey

Last night I had a weird-ass dream... I think part of it had to do with the past pain and angst I've felt. Okay, basically what happened is that I had to go somewhere with my brother, his friends, and his girlfriend. I saw my brother and his girlfriend making out a few times and it made me feel uncomfortable and slightly angry at her. I eventually let it pass and I went to a place where I met up with alot of my friends and Zakuro. I tried to ignore her but I kept on feeling like I was going to cry. I was reading a book and it said that scorpios (my zodiac sign) were incredibly dangerous and evil. At hearing this I threw the book across the room and ran out, everyone staring at me. Now this is where it gets REALLY weird... for some reason, it kinda shifted to a Harry Potter-type scene. I ran into Snape's room (go figure) and ordered him to give me a book of Voldenmort's spells that apparently locked itself to its owner. I was armed with a sword and a dagger, both which I would kill him with if I didn't get it. He slowly unwrapped it from a special cloth while Dumbledore and a woman was coming to stop me... I intended to kill them both. Snape eventually handed me the book and whenever that happened, Dumbledore and the woman and Snape dissapeared... and in his place was a woman with tears streaming down her face. "It's not my fault that it rains anymore.", she said and dissapeared, staring out the window with rain pouring down. I then started stabbing the book, trying to tear it open. I finally got to tired to carry on when nothing had happened and I layed down, closed my eyes, whispered "now it's my fault that it rains all the time." and passed out. I woke up and for some reason I cast a spell on my brother's girlfriend... little did I know, it was a killing spell. It was then that I woke up. I think what the dream was telling me is that all my bottled up emotions bring up terrible feelings in me... and if I don't let them out, the'll explode in a horrible frenzy of destruction. And I think the whole thing with my brother's girlfriend is that I'm jealous that he has someone that loves him but I don't. Awfully nice, eh?

I've been obsessed with Dir en Grey's "The Final" lately... now I can't decide if "The Final" or "Kodou" is my favorite song off of "Withering To Death." I guess I like it so much because I can relate to the feeling of losing everyone I love... even with the ones I get close to now, I wonder if they will leave me. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it in the end... if all the pain is even worth it. I can't even trust myself... I feel like everyone I love truly doesn't love me back, and they're all just putting on a show. It hurts, but I try not to think about it. "The Final" (by DIRU) and "Hurt" (by Nine Inch Nails) really describe how I feel.

"THE FINAL" BY DIR EN GREY (translation by centigrade-j)
I watch my purpose disappear...
my left hand unable to write the words.
everytime I shed blood, my reason for living...
the words come to me clearly.

in my hands, even my beloved is scattered gloriously
in my hands, even if I cut the meaning of my life in,
I know it's a meaningless flower.

one, two and growing... why do I become the humorless feed?

The Final
the deep prison at my core, I can never return.
a masochistic loser unable to feel tomorrow
Suicide is the proof of life.

in my hands, even my beloved is scattered gloriously
in my hands, even if I cut the meaning of my life in,
perishes a meaningless flower.

So I can't live, so I can't live
Yes, that which I've lost
So I can't live, so I can't live
can't be made again.
So I can't live, so I can't live
the song doesn't even seek
So I can't live, so I can't live
to prove my life
Let's put an end... The Final

I'll make the bud of a suicide attempt blossom.

"HURT" BY NINE INCH NAILS
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Speaking of "The Final", I sat through a whole hour of "Steven's Untitled Rock Show" waiting for Dir en Grey to shop up and they didn't... I got the wrong fucking episode. -_- I had to sit through a whole hour of whining emo-fuckers and people that just plain suck... I fucking hate Fuse. There was only ONE good band they played the entire hour, and that was "Bouncing Souls" playing a 1 1/2 minute song. >_< I was getting ready to cuss the TV and break it's effing screen. But I watched the PV on YouTube and we had Subway for dinner, so that made things better. XD

Last night I added 20 more pictures to my "Kyo" file, so I now have 58 pics in there total. XD


He's too kawaii for his own good. >_<

Gah, I need to go study some Japanese and watch some PVs and take a shower. XD Atode.
+Momo+
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