Thursday, July 6, 2006

   I Can't Escape From Myself.
Current Mood: Solemn
Current Song: Mazohyst of Decadence by Dir en Grey

Konnichiwa, Otaku-san. Last night was... odd, to say the least. Well, at least one part was. My family was having a pretty nice night, laughing and cracking jokes and watching funny TV shows, and such things. It was really nice, actually. I played some Uno and made a list of Japanese holidays (Tanabata is coming up, so I had to make a little calendar so I can catch up). I also found out that my cousin (one of the people I look up most to) is pregnant. I was pretty shocked, I couldn't speak for a moment or so. I'm kinda worried about her because she hasn't finished college yet and she hasn't married the father. I just don't want her to deal with all the shit younger mothers have to deal with these days. Around 1, I went to bed... but for some reason I couldn't go to sleep. I tossed and turned for about 45 minutes and then got up to use the bathroom. Whenever I got up, I saw that my father was on AIM but pretended like I didn't see... I used the bathroom, layed back in bed and started panicking. 42-year-old men don't get on AIM at 2 in the morning to chat with friends. So now I have to worry if my father is cheating on my mother or not. All of the sudden, I started crying. I have no idea why. I started thinking of all the things I've screwed up in my life, all the painful memories, and everything that hurts the most. My scars, my memories, my tears. The left side of my pillow felt like someone had spilled a cup of water on it. My eyes were so tired and my face hurt so much... I was also half asleep, that didn't help (not to mention that I had to stay quiet so no one would hear me). I eventually cried myself to sleep.

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I think it may be because I'm only getting half of my normal dosage of Wellbutrin and the fact that I've been pretty much alone all summer. I had a dream of going back to school and my friends barely noticed me... I guess I just feel like I'm on my own. I think I'm gonna have to tell my mom that I need more Wellbutrin.

Yesterday I also got to watch the PV for "Mazohyst of Decadence", because the one of my DIRU DVD is only the censored edition, which is just a few boxes of scenes. -_- Anyhow, I was pretty hypnotized at the disgusting beauty of the concept. An embryo being pulled out of his mother, not even being able to have his first breath. At least I know that Kyo and I share the same views on abortion. I also got pretty pissed at one person's comment-"this is the most boring music video I've ever seen. EVER." That's great... if you don't like it, don't watch it. Don't bust it for the people who enjoy it. Anyhow, I really enjoyed watching it because "Mazohyst of Decadence" is one of my favorite DIRU songs... it's also the creepiest. In fact, the first time I listened to it, I had no idea what it was talking about but it gave me goosebumps anyway. I think that "Embryo" (the single version) might be a spin on "Mazohyst of Decadence" or a sequel... whatever it is, I still like it. From "Embryo" I see an embryo looking out on his life on what he could have been, but never is.

"MAZOHYST OF DECADENCE" BY DIR EN GREY (translation by centrigrade-j)
A child given birth to an adult unconscious of their sin dropped
I never had a name I don't even understand why I am here
and I haven't known my life of just these several months
I want to be loved I want to be born watching inside my mother's body
Its the second month since I gained consciousness, I felt something was too early
. I can't do anyhting yet, meanwhile the cord...

this incomplete me is scraped out, the pain pierces through my body
the voice of my screaming crying mother won't stop screeching in my ears.
The adults in white clothes pull me up, in their eyes full of cold blood,
I relfect bloodstained and without my right arm. They wrap me in black vinyl as is
While my consciousness gradually fades, I quietly think. If this me in the cage could be loved as I am
that would be enough I cant's let this go on
As I am unloved, I'd rather die
So I won't raise my newborn cry I'll quietly sleep
I wanted to see what it was like, just once, to feel a mother's love in my hand
I guess this is love...thank you
a door that can never be opened again has been shut tightly.
but you know what ? I am surely your future.

Lines:
Man: Is this really okay with you ?
Woman: Yes.
Man: How many have you ?
Woman: Just one.
Man: I've killed countless children. Is this really permissable ? I'll ask again. Is this really okay with you ?
Are you prepared ?
Woman: Yes
Man: Then let us begin.

my body will be burned until the bones are gone it'll burn

"EMBRYO" (SINGLE VERSION) BY DIR EN GREY (translation by centrigrade-j)
Yes, give me back all those I loved, the unchanging, the rotting, and the dying ones.
Yes, those being given birth to, those giving birth, those who sin,
human suffering begins from this time.

the faces of those who are dying seem so happy,
the faces of those being born seem so sad
Bye Bye Mother.
People in this society build nothing.
People of this society hurt each other unknowingly
I am alone.

Without a face the crowd gathers and sucks me in.

Look, my heart now being crushed feels like it's about to tear apart
I just wanna be held in warm hands and sleep.

My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, in the nighttime I'm going to sleep holding the pain.

No, there's no freedom, in freedom there's a wall of freedom,
return those I loved to me
Yes, in deciding the rules, those who decided them, by doing so, lose their freedom.

the faces of those who are dying seem so happy,
the faces of those being born seem so sad
Bye Bye Mother.
People in this society build nothing.
People of this society hurt each other unknowingly
I am alone.

My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, in the nighttime I hold the pain
My Sweet Mother smile, in the end let me sleep warmly
Deadly Sweet Mother smile, let me be free to say goodbye in the end.



Meh. I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Maybe watch some PVs. Maybe take a nap. Maybe study some Japanese. Whatever. I need more happy.
+Momo+
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