Friday, August 4, 2006

   I'm Gonna Come at You Like a Spider Monkey!!!
Current Mood: Somewhat depressed
Current Song: No. (666) by Gazetto

Last night was terrible. After not having the best day yesterday, things got worse. Lately my family has had a few financial problems, my dad's company is going out of business, and my parents have really been on edge lately. I looked at a few Kyo pictures after updating and got off the computer after Mom fussed at me, telling me that that's all I ever do. Whenever dinner came around, I asked Mom if I could have any coke to drink but she told me "no." Even though I really wanted some, I got some lemonade without complaint. Then my dad said I could have some coke and Mom got pissed, saying that her opinion "didn't matter in this house." That pissed me off because she always gets angry at the tiniest little things and blows them out of proportion. Then she tried to find direction to my aunt's graduation and got frustrated cause she couldn't find them and started washing dishes (more like throwing them down and splashing water and soap on them)... because my mom was pissed, my dad got pissed to. I got upset over all the noise and went into my room, turned up Dir en grey, and started folding paper cranes for Kyo-sama. My brother came into the room and said that Mom and Dad were yelling at each other and I started crying. It was silently, to make sure I wouldn't further upset my brother. After about half an hour, Dad came in to check on us and explained that everything was alright. I couldn't help but start crying hysterically and I poured out all my fears about them getting a divorce and how I'm tired of them always fighting and all this other stuff... but I think what upset me the most is one fact that constantly burns into my brain-my birth was an accident. My parents didn't try to get pregnant with me... I was a "suprise." My parents say I'm a "gift from God", but I revere myself as an accident. And I almost killed my mother during birth. And the only reason they had my brother is because I didn't have any friends and they wanted another baby around. In other words, if it weren't for me, they wouldn't have had kids... and they wouldn't have to worry about money so much. I feel like it's all my fault and whenever I remember that I was an accident I REALLY wish I hadn't been born. It tears me apart. Also, my mother was not the first person to hold me. My grandmother was. That pushes my guilt even further. I know I was put on this earth for a reason, but I fear that I won't be able to fufill it and that all my parent's misery will have been put to waste. I hate myeslf so much... I feel like everything is my fault these days. After that my parents made up and everything was back to normal. At least they pretend it is. I finished "Geisha, A Life" last night and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know a little more about geisha. I learned a whole lot from that book, about 50 different things. It also puts to rest a lot of misconseptions from "Memoirs of a Geisha" (despite how much I adore that book, there were a few things that put a lot of geisha to shame). So, if you want to know more about geisha or read "Memoirs of a Geisha" and were interested in it, read "Geisha, A Life." The woman who wrote it was the inspiration for Arthur Golden's character, "Sayuri."


Iwasaki-sama desu.

Today has been better. I woke up early, took a shower, folded two loads of clothes, and tried to watch "Mad Marble Hell Vision." I have to pack for my vacation that I'm going on tommorow (I won't be back or update in a week), scrub the tub, and get a fill of J-rock before my week-long fast (not counting my two DIRU CDs). I guess I'll see you guys later and mucho love. I won't see you in a while. Ja ne.
+Momo+
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