Wednesday, August 16, 2006

   Addicted To Being the Victim
Current Mood: Pensive
Current Song: Child Prey by Dir en Grey

Yesterday I did a lot of thinking... and usually that leads to trouble. And of course, it did. You see, I finished writing a song dedicated to Kyo. Afterwards I looked at it and took pity on myself. I'm loving someone I can never have. I love him, it's not some false, corny, fangirl shit I do sometimes. He can provoke such emotions in me that it's unexplicable. Right now I'm crying and can't help it... why the hell does this always happen. This the third person I've been obsessed with. But I don't know if the past two have been as emotionally attatched as Kyo. I know I'll never have him, I know I'll never meet him, and I never may able to see him in person (like in a concert). My problem is that I hold to fast to my dreams. I gripping onto false hopes... I use my wishes to escape from reality. All I'm really doing is hurting myself. That's all I seem to ever do. Even the things I love cause me pain. How ironic. I don't understand it. I want to love Kyo, I want to be happy, and ignore the fact that my love is unrequited. But sometimes the truth comes on too strong. And today is one of those days. Maybe I should ignore it and go on with my life. Maybe I should stop listening to DIRU... but if I do, I'll just get addicted to someone else. This is one of the many things I hate about myself-I'm too much of a romantic... too quick to get my heart broken. Things you love this much shouldn't hurt so badly. Here's the song I wrote so you get some idea what I'm talking about.

Paralysis
Sapphire blue, like the morning sky
Will your eyes always be so pained?
It seems that if I caress you with my razor-sharp touch,
The thread that holds you to this world will be broken
The most fragile thorn
Stop them from tearing apart your wings

Born into this world purely by coinsidence, I was never complete
Never meant to be
The vibrancy I've always lacked becomes clear
Numbed by your touch, I escape this staled world
Scratching out my memories with a single hope
The darkest summer will weep for me

You've carved a memory into my skin
These tears are my silver dreams
Cutting away all of reality
My poison. My drug. My heart.
I'll fade into the darkened horizon
Just like your smile

Born into this world purely by coinsidence, I was never complete
Never meant to be
The vibrancy I've always lacked becomes clear
Numbed by your touch, I escape this staled world
Scratching out my memories with a single hope
The darkest summer will...

On the last day of December, the snow kisses the earth
No warmth passes through the frosted window pane
Even now I will wait for you
When the flowers are crystalized and the sky turns to stell
I hold it all back until your return

The darkest summer will weep for me.


Reality is cruel, isn't it?

After all of my emo-ness, I totally pigged out on TV. I watched "Beetlegeuse, Chappelle's Show, The Venture Brothers, and MXC". I guess I just wanted to drown out all of my emotions with black comedy. "Beetlegeuse" made me really happy because it's one of my favorite movies. I watched two episodes of "The Venture Brothers" with my dad and laughed so hard that I thought I was gonna split my side... especially whenever Brock was naked to "feel the kill." XD Such a crackhead show. On "Chappelle's Show" I laughed myself until I was sore... whenever he was a baller on Cribs and was showing everyone around, that was PURE genius... especially whenever he saw the baby t-rex's egg hatching and then cut it's head off and drank it's blood. XD Lovely. I didn't watch too much of "MXC", but that's okay. I've probably seen most of it before. I then read a little bit of "To Kill a Mockingbird" (it's 8 days to school and I still haven't read it @_@) before going to bed.

Doesn't it suck whenever you have to use the bathroom while you're sleeping? I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to use the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep... and then had the hiccups. -_- So eventually gave up on trying to get back to sleep and started studying Japanese. Damn bladder. I have a doctor's oppointment today. I don't wanna go... I hate the doctor. ;_;
+Momo+
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