Sunday, August 20, 2006

   Me no Mae wo Tooru Tabi ni, Ore no Kokoro wa Sakenda.
Current Mood: Undecided
Current Song: RED...(em) by Dir en Grey

Hi, everyone. Nothing much happened last night, I was still in shock about Zakuro apologizing. Past events kept on replaying in my head, bringing back all the pain I've pushed away. It hurt so much, I just wanted it to go away and forget about everything. I eventually went to bed around 1:30... and as soon as my head hit the pillow, tears started streaming down my face. I felt like screaming, my heart was being torn open. In fact, I would have screamed if no one else were there. I wrapped my arms around my head and sobbed, repeating "make it stop" as if it were some type of mantra. I curled up in a ball and clenched my fists, I wanted to just wither away. After about 20 minutes of endless crying, I looked up at the ceiling and felt so numb, like I couldn't force any tears to come. I finally rolled over and clenched my teddy bear to my chest, staring at the wall. I eventually closed my eyes, my face frozen in a look of pain.

I don't really remember what happened this morning. I only started to remember what happened whenever I took a shower. At first I was fine, I started to wash my hair and then suddenly I just broke into tears without a warning. I went into hysterics, it was as if someone had possesed me. I started crying and bending over, clenching my stomach in pain and sobbing. I pulled my hair, raked my nails across my chest, wanted to scream, and slammed myself against the wall. I hurt so much, I just wanted it all to end. I couldn't stop. I eventually pulled myself together, got out of the shower, and got dressed. I watched "The Ali G Show" while the rest of my family was taking a shower and it was hilarious-if you can catch it, watch it. We eventually went out to eat, and while I picked at my fruit and walnut salad I told my parents that Zakuro had apologized. They were really happy, because they know how much she hurt me (at least as much as I let show. It wasn't as deeply as I felt, but I felt like I would never be the same). After that we went to Eckards to pick up some medicine and stuff. Once we wasted alot of time there, we went to Stein Mart. While we were there I searched for a white fedora (like Kyo's in "Ryoujoku No Ame"), a white scarf (like Kyo's in "Ryoujoku No Ame"), and a leapard-print jacket (like Kyo's in "Kodou"). I saw a scarf, but it was decorated with some really tacky-looking beads and I saw a leapard-print jacket, but it was huge and fluffy, not plain cloth like Kyo's. At least I got a few laughs from all the tacky shit there... and I laughed at all those yuppies looking at me like "what the fuck are YOU doing in here." My parents wanted to go see "Over the Hedge" again, so we went to the movie theater that shows movies just before they go out on DVD. It was alright seeing it again, I didn't really care, but there was a lady behind us laughing really loud and at about everything in the movie. It was a little annoying, but I thought it was also funny that she thought it was so hilarious. Now, we're home and I'm posting. Yippee. Today, I don't know if I'm happy or miserable. Just thinking of all those terrible things that bring out the worst of me, it kills me. I've also been gripping tightly to the song "RED...(em)" because it expresses how I feel. I'll post up the lyrics.

RED...(em) by Dir en Grey (Translation by direngrey.us)
In the room, on the red wall hang Rosalyn, and the scent
from the petals of the flowers fills the room but you are not
here.

On the velvet sofa as the dreams that turned to ashes
quietly I watch a local movie.
The reason to laugh is seeing you on screen.
The moon-shaped lamp still shines red.
Goodbye ..... My to my dearest Vivian-scented girl.

The decorations of perfumes in the sink, the black and
white picture cries.
What you see is everything and there's no reason to that

Cut down your discomfort wings.
Its dyeing on you
Cut down your discomfort wings.
To a tommorow that can't be reached

Children sing the choir at the newly built church.
Whenever I walk past it, my heart screams.

There's no forgetting the Past, the Present, or the Future.
Will only the believers be led to salvation? That's stupid.

Why can't we be perfect?

Why can't it be?

The merry go round that goes around and around and
around has dried you up.
I hold in my sweaty hand, a picture of you and an ice pick.

Cut down your discomfort wings.
Be freer.
Cut down your discomfort wings.
But keep the door closed.



Well, I gotta go. Hopefully I can still play bass even though the blister on my finger hasn't healed. Much love.
+Momo+
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