Tuesday, October 10, 2006

   All That I'm Living For...
Current Mood: Unknown
Current Song: All That I'm Living For by Evanescence

Goddammit. Last night, I let my mind wander foolishly and I once again thought of Melody. I don't know why, but she came across my mind and I couldn't help but just cry it all out. I eventually wiped away my tears and sat out in the living room, pretending that nothing was bothering me. Then, I took a shower and started crying again. I miss her so much, but she hurt me so badly that I don't think I could ever go back. Everytime I think of her, I get a lump in my throat that won't go away and I just break down. I trusted her, and she betrayed that trust. I want to let go, and I know I NEED to, but I can't. She was my best friend, the person I felt the closest to in this world. I also think I loved her... while she was my friend, I denied it because I didn't want things to get in the way of our friendship, but I remember the flip-flops of my stomach whenever we kissed during Truth-Or-Dare and when she held my hand in scary movies. I still look at the picture and notes I have stored away in a box, and look at it with anger, hatred, and sorrow. I can't let go of these emotions that bind me so tightly. Before, I went to bed I wrote a song about it called "Rust", but I'm not very satisfied with it. My inspiration is there, but my writing's quality is slowing to a trickle. I went to bed frustrated with myself, and cried so my parents wouldn't hear until I sank into slumber.

This morning I didn't wake up until 20 minutes before I had to be out the door for school, so I was slightly rushed. I took my time with my makeup, and put on waterproof eyeliner in case I got upset again. In Orchestra, we played two new pieces we got and I read a little bit of "Memoirs of a Geisha." In Algebra, we had another long, boring, useless class, so I read even more "Memoirs of a Geisha." My teacher annoys the hell out of me and rambles off, I just want to tell her to shut up everytime she opens her mouth. @_@ Yeah, I'm just a little pissed off at her. Whenever class was finally over, I talked to my friend Korki, and I saw this really cute pencil pouch. I asked where she got it because I thought it was Japanese (it had some... er... "obscure" English on it) and she hesistated before she said, "oh... I-I got it from Melody..." I pretended not to be upset and I just said "oh! Really?" In gym I figured out that Chasity was leaving early, which made me even more sad than I was. She left right before we went outside to walk, so I went by myself and ran a little to take out my anger. Then we were sent inside to do whatever, so I sat down and watched people play ping-pong. Unfortunatly, I began thinking about Melody again. I went outside and put my hair over my face and started crying. It just hurts so much, and I wish I could let go of my memories... but then I feel like a coward. To I have to suffer to be brave? I eventually went back inside and nobody noticed that I had cried (because of my waterproof eyeliner and my face was already flushed from running), so I was thankful for that. At lunch, I sat by myself for quite a while before my friends Corey, Amanda, and Katie invited me over to their table. I was thankful, but I also sensed pity. I mostly stayed quiet whenever they talked about some stuff, but I did get quite a few laughs, and took my mind off of Melody. In Civics, we took some notes and watched a crappy movie while I chewed my nails more than usual (maybe because I was stressed out more than usual), and we also got our progress reports. I was pretty satisfied with my Civics progress report, but not with my others. I got an A (97%) in Civics, a B (89%) in Algebra, and a B (91%) in Orchestra. I wish I could've gotten an A in all the other classes, but I guess I can screw that up too. In the car rider line, Nicole and I punched each other a whole lot. I feel so tired now, like I'm drained. I think I'm gonna take a nap and try to forget everything. I just hope Melody doesn't appear in my dreams.



Yeah... later.
+Momo+
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