Thursday, December 14, 2006

   Confusion...
Current Mood: Confused
Current Song: egnirys cimredopyh +) an injection by Dir en grey (MP3 not available)

I guess I should offer an explination for yesterday. @_@ Things have been going on between me and my friend Daniel lately. He's been kidding that I'm ho and still, and putting his hand around my waist, but I thought it was all fun and games... but I guess not. Once everyone left two days ago, Daniel and I were the only ones left. He sat down at the tree trunk and held his arm out like he wanted me to sit beside him. I did, and he put his arm around my shoulder and we talked for a while before he lifted up my chin and looked at me. I eventually got so embarassed and shy that I dug my face into his shoulder, and he laughed at me because I was so embarassed at kissing. Eventually his ride came and he left, but I couldn't sort out my feelings. My friends Storm and Stacie were asking what was going on and I told them that I didn't really know. Because, to tell the truth, I didn't. The rest of the day, all I could think about was trying to figure out what WAS going on between me and Daniel. Yesterday before I left the tree to walk home, out of instinct, I grabbed him and kissed him before walking off with Nicole. I don't know why I did it. I don't know if I should've done it. But I did, and there's no going back.

This morning whenever I was talking to Sydney, Katie, Nicole, Devon, and Bobby, Daniel wrapped his arm around my waist and asked me what yesterday was all about. I told him that I didn't know and I guess he wanted me to kiss his since he put his face so close to mine, so I did. He laughed and told me that I needed to work on my aim. @_@ In Orchestra we played a new piece that was fairly hard and got on my nerves. After we finished playing, I rushed over to Storm and asked her if I did the right thing in kissing Daniel. She asked me some questions, and then eventually told me yes. I just hope she was right. In Gym we played this retarted game that was a cross between baseball and dodgeball. -_- I really didn't want to play, but I had to. Bleh. Afterwards, I sat down with Chasity and talked to her for a while. She really likes "Berry" (by Dir en grey, of course) so I'm thinking of burning it off of "Macabre" for her. :3 Good thing she doesn't know what the lyrics mean. XD During lunch Sydney and Katie got to sit with us and we talked about all of our normal stuff. But Katie and Sydney did ask me about Daniel, and I told them that I honestly don't know what's going on between us. Katie thought it was nice and everything, but she told me that if I do go out with him I should be careful because he's VERY sexual. o_o All I know is that I'm going to give it up to him. I'm not like that... although I may have kissed him, I'm not some hussy that everyone can have a go at. In Civics we did the same old boring stuff, but I did get to work in a group with Thai. He's so adorable. ^-^ After school, I went up to the tree and Daniel immediately came up to me and wrapped his arm around my waist and asked "have you worked on your aim?" then kissed me, but his hair was over his lips so he pushed his hair and my hair out of the way and kissed me again. @_@ Storm and Stacie saw us and started "awww"ing and doing all of this dorky shit. XD; Afterwards I started talking to everyone else while Daniel kept on holding me close to him. Eventually we had to leave, so I kissed Daniel again-for the fourth time that day. -_-; I honestly have no idea if I've done the right thing, if this is going anywhere, if this means anything, or what. All I've known is that I've gotten myself in this, and I have to deal with it, one way or another. Yesterday I got my "MACABRE" CD, and I looooooove it. Whenever I was listening to "zakuro" today, I fucking LOST it. The pain in the song is so intense, that it I makes me want to just lay on the ground and sob. Whenever Kaoru started playing the guitar solo, tears started streaming down my face. Every not that resonated from his guitar was so beautiful, so haunting, that I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Then, when Kyo started singing again (especially whenever he kept on singing "hai ni naru", I started sobbing so hard that I got a headache and I felt like I was the one in the song. Because everyone knows that Kyo can make me start crying in a matter of seconds. It made me cry so hard I got tears all over my homework. @_@

***

"zakuro" by Dir en grey
I screamed out your name
even my voice will probably never reach you
but you know, now I'm ok with that.
some day in my heart you'll be...

I'll dream tonight, dreams of you.
because of that letter I put under my pillow
my dreams are too cruel, my breath is cut off
i always painfully awaken at four in the morning

time is too long
time is too painful
the dreams don't stop
love freezes to death
on a cold night
on this long night

my consciousness splintered and powdered
memories scattered about
holding your ring so tightly that my tears wet the pillow

so i couldn't hear it, i blocked my ears to your voice
one more scar added to my wrist
melting into the wound... you

i am breaking burning the letter its reduced to ash
i am breaking destroy my heart its reduced to ash
i am breaking losing you i love you.

***


"Hai ni naru..." (Okay, I know this picture is from "THE FINAL", but I really like it. -_-

Ahhhh, my back hurts and I'm hungry. -_- I better go fix it before I die. XD Mata ne~!
+Momo+
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