Thursday, January 27, 2005

   To tell the truth, I love her. My love is unrequited
I've noticed that i get visitors...but not many comments...am i really that boring?

Anyway...I was suprised i was able to get online tonight. I thought i was grunded from that familistic (new word) clash i had a couple days ago. I swear, i was standing for a good hour and a half to two hours. I could feel myself getting dizzy from the heat of the upstairs. My body was swaying back and forth slowly. My knees were locked. This pain in my head was throbbing and i thought about "Novacaine". The only thing i could do was bend down and sit on my heels. After that didn't work for 5 minutes, i sat down on my butt, praying that she would stop talking soon. I nodded when i felt it was necessary. My eyes were about to explode. Like that little twinge of anguish was something solid, and was bound to pop both of my eyes out through my sockets.
Suddenly, they are all gone and i hear someone messign with some objects inside my mom's bathroom. The light was turned on and i couldn't even open my eyelids to meet the ceiling.
_____ said Honto wa aishite runo. Kata-omoi nano. To me. If any of you know what that means...you know it's kinda serious. I know what it means... but i feel like I can't really trust anyone quite yet...with certain things. Especially with what i've been called and the way i've been treated since i moved to Texas. It made me feel...unwanted. Which is ironic because over here, i seem to be more...attractive...to some of the guys more than what i was in Colorado. I don't know why, and I'm not trying to sound conceited...but i've had more "chances" here....i've noticed. I just never wanted to take any of them. It feels wrong to me. I've had one Real boyfriend since i got here...and that was in the way beginning, when i didn't know any better yet.
I guess it's that horrid person's fault. The one that left me when all i had to offer was love and i felt angsty all the time with him on the phone. Oh well.
_____ IS really sweet...but i have a trust issue with everyone...some of you may think you know a lot about me...but i hold back. That doesn't mean i don't like you guys though. You all are the ones that help me the most, let me just tell you that. the stuff i do tell you, it helps me to get that out. I can't keep everything held up inside forever...*thinks of a funny analogy* LIKE EMAIL!!! It only has so much space...you have to let some of the "memories/feelings/ emails" go.
Did i tell you that i was bitten yesterday and today?? I think it was those days... but on TEH SAME SHOULDER!! They are looking for a battle they are....
Seth and I are doing some sort of musical theatre dance...We are going ot fight eachother over a Kakashi plushie ^.^ He's my lover apparantly. And he played in my sandbox.

=^.^= Maki

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