Friday, April 8, 2005

I don't think anyone can imagine what kind of pain i went through last night, and today. Actually, i can think of one other person, but she's been helping me so it's ok. This is my journal so i don't have to hide back any details, I won't mention names, for SOME privacy's sake, but i will say what happened because i just need to get it all out.
Yesterday morning, i recieved a Text message saying "I feel like Shit" I tried my best to help you, and i hope i did. I told you i loved you so many times. And only recieved those same three words in reply a few times throughout the day. I knew something was wrong when you didn't talk to me much during the day, or after school. Usually, you are the one who keeps up with the messages and i almost get in trouble for it. Anyway, I remembered IMing you and much awkward silence was emitted. I found that quite unusual and i tried something. Usually when i go away for something, you say "come back" or something like that. This time, you didn't. Not even when i left for about 45 minutes to go eat and get ready to go somewhere.
Later that night, i asked you what was wrong.
The words you said that night...ripped out my heart and tore it to pieces. I felt like it was stepped on, ran over, and stabbed a million times. The room started spinning and I almost fell out of my seat. I'm serious, not exaggerating. All those things you said before seemed meaningless. That's why it felt like you lied to me. You said you would be there forever and ever. Then you go and find another girl that "loves you the same way i do". That she's "exactly like me" (me, being the person who is typing, if anyone is confused, and I, meaning the same). Yeah, it's a good thing that she's there for your hugging pleasure and stuff. But if you told me to wait, i would have expected you to do the same. Wait i know what you are thinking, maybe i do....I know you have feeling and emotions, i can't stop them from coming, and i can't stop the girls over there from hanging out with you. So it's nobody's fault.
But really. I don't think anyone could ever give you the same kind of love as me. The amount of time, tears, blood, and love i spent on you was just...i don't know, so much, i couldn't believe i was capable of doing it. Everynight, i lay my head down on my pillow, and i could smell you. The blankets that you used are full of your scent, it surrounds me every night, whenever i lay down to rest. All the memories flood back to me, sometimes i cry, sometimes i dream, sometimes i just sit there and think about you. Either way, i never stop thinking of you.
All of this is the reason why i stayed up 2 hours after we stopped text messaging last night. I fell asleep in my closet, where i was hiding. I didn't want my parents to find me and know what i was crying for. That's the other thing i did for you. I was willing to lie to my family just for you. Just for you.
All in all, you said you were happy. After all that happened throughout the day, after my best friends talked to me, i realized that i should be happy. And i am. I love you so much that all i want is for you to be HAPPY. Are you happy? If you are, tell me. Until you tell me, i'm going to keep worrying. I won't be happy and ok with it until you are happy. So just tell me. Text me, comment, IM me, anything ok? You said we were still friends so don't be afraid to do any of that.

Besides that- My day....
I woke up and went to the shower. Since Sami is away on her Dallas trip, i used her shower, to avoid confrontation with the parents. I got clean and went to school. Seth went on teh Dallas trip too, so needless to say, the group was lifeless until Matt and Josh showed up. We crumpled up newspaper and Matt had boobs. I pinched them and gave his the ultimate purple nurples...but alas, they didn't work. Yugi came a little bit later and...
Ok, well i'm going to have to finish this tomorrow. Mom is kicking me off. Basically, my day was just pure bad luck

TO BE CONTINUED
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