Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Somebody get me out of here....
Last night I went out with Michael and his family. It was crazy. The little girls...whoo. I felt funny actually holding a little kid's hand. I didn't even do that with MY sister. I remember holding my big brother's hand though. Whenever my family would go places in Germany, Simon held my hand so that I wouldn't get lost. I miss my brother now. Of course I'm a bit too old to be holding his hand anymore, but I miss his company. It was cool since the girls were actually wanting to walk with me and hold my hand. The car ride was all great too. It feels awesome to be able to do a bunch of crap like that without having someone complain about a headache. We're never able to turn up the music that loud. Mom never opens the window on thw highway because it's too much noise, but I like it. It's so cool that you're family is so carefree and easy, they just do whatever they want and don't care, it makes me feel like I'm comfortable to be around. That's a good thing. I always have fun with you and your family. Don't worry about it hon'. I love you and never want to see you cry. I had so much fun, it made my week. I was having such a bad week, and you guys invited me out. You awesome. I LOVE YOU

As for today, well actually, let's start at the time that I got back from Master's and my outing. After some comforting words, I entered the house only to be somewhat scolded for waiting outside when they picked me up. They said it makes me look desperate to have someone pick me up. While that might be true as I thought about it then, I only did it so that there would be no chance of the kids coming into the house. I knew that if Sarah, Caitlyn, or Becky would come to the door, they might want to come inside and say hi to mom. I knew she was busy, so I didn't think that they would be able to come in, plus, the house was a bit messy, and everyone except me, was wearing their home clothes.
The whole night, i could see some tension in mom's eyes, the kind that told me that she'd just had some sort of disagreement with someone, or she had a few tears come flowing through. After we all talked about my night, the parents headed upstairs, with some excuse. Dad said he going to shower before bed, Mom, was to iron some clothes. I grabbed some of my Lactose Free milk (I am indeed, Lactose Intolerant), and headed to my room to change. I plopped down onto the sofa in the upstairs living room, across the way from my mom in her recliner, and watched Jay Leno.

*ok hold on....the cat i'm sitting is walking around the keyboard, making it hard to type. I highlighted the whole thing to copy and paste it, in case it got deleted, and what-ho, she stepped on the number 3, the whole damn this is replaced with 12 number 3's....i didn't get to copy and stuff. So hold on a sec while I regain my temper and remember all that i had typed*

Anyway, we finished watching Jay Leno here's what mom said:
"Since you don't like hanging out with us, you don't have to come with us on the fourth of July. You can stay home if you want and the rest of us will go to a movie"
"Mom, what are you talking about?"
That was uncalled for. There has never been a time where I was embarrassed to be with them. Seriously, I have never NOT wanted to be with you guys. We don't see eachother much in the first place. I go to work and so do the parents. Poor Sami has to stay home for 5 or 6 hours. Mom and Dad get home around 5 or so, make dinner, and we eat at the table all together. In CO, we all ate in seperate rooms. On weekends, Dad goes to security work until about midnight or one, and I don't get to see him because I go to work from 12 to close, or 3 to close. That means I get up, talk to Sami for an hour or thirty minutes, then get ready for work. When I get home, mom is tired so she goes to sleep, Dad is still at work, I get to talk with Sami for 30 minutes maybe, then everyone goes to sleep.
I remember going to my little cousin LeAnn's Birthday party. I had fun there because I found my cool cousin Robbie, who introduced me to another one named Jonathon, I found out that them, and a few other younger cousins, play Magic when I looked in Robbie's room, searching for something to do. They brought me into the game. After that, i went onto the Moonwalk, and jumped around with a bunch of my little and baby cousin's, kinda babysitting them while the parents were dancing. I grew tired and asked Sami to watch them a bit while I played some more card games. After LeAnn's party, we headed to a triple grad graduation party. Three of my cousin's graduated and they threw a party for all three of them at the same time. I didn't know anybody there, so I wound up sitting/standing next to Sami, mom and dad while watching the Volleyball game. Do you think that if I was nervous about being in a place I didn't know, around unfamiliar faces, that I would venture away and wonder off, to get away from my family, the people who I'm closest to? The hosts had a volleyball net set up in their big back yard. The other reason why I felt nervous is because there was a boy there that looked almost exactly like Chris Alvarez, my old boyfriend. He looked like a skinnier, taller one though, down to the hair. Spinney, you would know. I don't know why, but the sight of the guy made me shudder, so of course, I felt totally uncomfortable. I'm sure the actual dude was very nice, and I was probably related to him.
I recalled this whole incident and realized what mom meant. She would not let it go after i tried to explain to her. She just said Goodnight, gave me one little kiss for the night and walked off into her room, leaving me in the dark (literally). Sighing and shaking my head, I stuck my hands in the pockets of my black bondage pants and shut the door silently to my room. I didn't bother to turn the lights on. I just sat on my bed, staring out the window, thinking of what just happened.
Is she just taking some frustration out at me? What did I do? I didn't do anything. Everything was perfectly fine when I left the house with Michael. Sami didn't know about any tensions mom could've had that night. She claims to have been asleep or in her room the whole time, which was true.
So I climbed onto my bed, scrolled through my contact list on my cell phone and called the friend that I knew would still be awake (due to the time difference). I thought about calling Seth-san, but I wasn't sure if she was awake, and didn't want to get her in trouble if it was too late (It was around 11:30 when I got to my room). I put my phone on silent so mom wouldn't hear the beeps and called Aaron Novy, while sitting in my closet. I swear, I spend more time in my closet than I do in my room, and I don't mean looking for stuff to wear. He said just talk to her and ask her why she was so upset. Exactly why. Set some ground rules ("Let me finish a few sentences first, no yelling...etc.).
When she called this morning, Sami and I answered the phone at the same time, and she sounded fine again, but I think that's because she was in the "presence" of Sami.
I guess I will just talk to her. It's going to be brutal though. Most likely, I don't mean physically, I mean Mentally and Verbally. Whenever we have an argument or discussion about me or something, the words often hurt more than any whip can crack.

Er...Remember, if anyone's going to comment, please just PM it to me, because my computer is messing up and won't let me read the comments directly off my page.
Done
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