Wednesday, July 20, 2005

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs. Suicide 93% Disappear 80% Suffocated 67% Stabbed 60% Posion 60% Cut Throat 53% Disease 53% Bomb 47% Eaten 33% Accident 33% Drowning 27% Natural Causes 20% Gunshot 20% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

Heh....Suicide.

I was watching Roseanne for a long time last night. Very soon, I heard the theme song to Rugrats come on, and I realized that it was five O'clock in the morning. In Roseanne, David, Darlene, Mark and Becky were playing that Scrabble game, Mark was losing with a score of 132. He then placed an x on the board to form the word "oxygen" and boosted his score up 99 points, putting him in the lead. The rest of the kids were mad and stuff, so they told him that "Oxygen" was an abbreviation. Feeling put down, he took away the letters, and formed the word "it".
I've had the song "Coming Clean" By Hilary Duff stuck in my head for 2 days now. Listening to my hard rock music isn't getting it out. Thinking of the Green Day concert isn't helping either. Geez I can't wait for that concert.
So the thing with mom. I don't see why she's using our religion as a defense against my Bisexuality. She said that maybe "God" is testing us, throwing in a little wrench to see just how we can handle it. She thinks that sometimes, we have an almost perfect family- 3 wonderful kids, a great home, we're just barely affording some stuff, but it's a good life so far. In a way, it's perfect, because everyone struggles here and there. She just says that "God" is trying to see how our "perfect" lives are going to handle this situation, because he picked on me. Mom said that she doesn't believe in some of what our religion says, like abortion. She believes in it. If you want to know why she does- tell me. I'm not going to say it here and now. But i'll write about it later if you want me to.
Anyway. The fact that she thinks "god" is throwing in this "wrench" tells me that she still thinks it's a bad thing. I'm still going to do the Coming Out day and wear a Kinsey shirt with the number 6 on it.
This Michael kid...Besides the fact that he has a BO problem (get your deoderant back)- there is something wrong in this relationship right now and I can feel it. I seem to be put in charge of babysitting some when we go out with his family. I am the one who is keeping his "stable", the non-smoking and keeping him sane thing. His mom seems to be using me and that's the only reason why she likes me. It's because I go to church and stuff, and I would take him out to laserquest and stuff with my Youth Group. Mind you, I haven't gone to church in a while, but still, I feel used. Also, i wish he could be more respectful of my wishes. I asked him to please be nicer to Victor. I know you are guys and you like to kid around, but don't do it to the point that you are actually bringing eachother down and muttering under your breath. You guys are supposed to be friends and it puts both Sami and I in a bad mood and we want to keep you all distanced. I start to feel like I have to go against my sister in order to keep you sane around him. I'm not going to do that. In the car, on the way to your house or back to mine, Michael would whisper random things that I know would bring my mom down. Stuff about her driving or whatever. She can hear you, and she doesn't like it. She's two feet away from us. And when we actually get into the car. I don't appreciate your tapping my ass. I've told Michael millions of times each time we get in, every single trip we make anywhere. I feel like you're ushering me into the car, to hurry up, or that I dont' have the respect for myself or my family to let you do that in front of them. That's stupid. The least you can do is thank my mom for giving you ride. She drives you and I everywhere, takes a late lunch to come pick us up. You've never really thanked my mom, I'm always the one to say thank you before we leave to drop you off on your porch. I felt as if you were bringing me down while playing DDR at Ingram. No I wasn't feeling "cocky" or whatever, I just knew how to play the damn song. I don't appreciate that comment because i thought that boyfriends weren't supposed to bring their girlfriend's down.
I've already dated a guy who smoked and had issues with drugs and stuff. the thing is that he did it all behind my back. His mom smoked and gave his drugs and on our last date, gave him about 3 or four Chasers. That's how I remembered him. All those chasers made him all hyper. He gave me a ring before he left and I found out later on in the year (when i moved here) that he was all bad.
I feel that if we break up, you would go and do something bad or go back to smoking and stuff. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm keeping you together because we're together. And if we break up, you just go back. Would you go back if we were friends? We would still be around eachother and I would still care for you no less than I do now. I'm going to say that I do like you a lot. I telling the truth and can't say Love because I'm only sixteen. I've still got a long ways to go before I can say that.

I'm feeling a bit gritty. I've got two weeks left of my job and I'm not sure whats going to happen once I lose half of my income. I've applied to HEB, and DEB. I'm tired of food service.
I'm going to walk with Sami to pick up Victor. Tonight, an old friend is coming to visit and we half to clean up the house a little. I remember him when we all lived in Portugal. I hope he is still as much fun as he was back then. I haven't seen him in 11 years. He has a child and a divorce. Wish us luck.

Wish me luck
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