Friday, March 17, 2006

A very personal entry
Ah, it's been a couple days. I think I may have found a place to live, woo!
*very personal entry coming up-- sorry, I just need to vent it somewhere*
The last week or so has been really rough on me. My boyfriend has had a few health revelations that, frankly, I'm not sure if I can handle. He found out he can't have children. He also recently found out that he is diabetic, which means adoption is pretty much out of the question, too. Most agencies don't want to give a child to someone with diabetes. I'm afraid; we've talked about marriage, and he gave me a "promise ring" last year (for those of you who haven't heard of those, it's kind of like a "we're not ready to be engaged, but this is a way of showing our commitment" thing.), and he plans to propose to me in just a few weeks (although in his eyes, I don't know this). I am here for him during this hard time, but I'm not sure if I can be with him romantically anymore. I do want children; very much so. But even so; other things have been changing in our relationship, before he found these things out. He's become petty, and lately, it seems all he wants to talk about is sex-related. Now, I am definitely a prude, so, y'know, I don't really want to talk about that. We used to have great conversations; but now it's turned into "So here's what I did today..." and it's been that way for months. I need to be able to have a conversation with someone to feel close to them. I feel like I'm becoming very distant because of all that's happening. I don't want to lose him, because I care for him deeply; I love him. But I'm afraid that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of telling me that he isn't the right one for me. Or maybe God just doesn't want me to have children. I don't understand why things like this happen, but i very t's not my place to understand. There is a force at work here much larger than anything I could ever comprehend. Sigh.
*very personal entry over* You may now resume your regularly scheduled programming.
xxPhedre
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