Saturday, September 22, 2007

Suffering Disappointment.
9/22/07
12:22P.M.
Disappointed, depressed, sick.


This doesn't take a long time to read. My words a are just in paragraphs and small.

Friday. It was bad. A very bad bad bad bad day. First, someone was being depressed and it made me sad. I don't like to see people sad.

Then, in 2nd period, my English teacher was mad about something... Or maybe it appeared that way because I was already stressed about not getting my progress report signed.. I didn't want a detention.

Then in 3rd period... I was really sad and mad. When I get sad or mad I write my thoughts down on paper and then throw them away. They always appear to be to another people, but they are to me. So I was writing one and my teacher made me give it to him and he read it, then got REALLY mad at me. It said the f word twice... So now he hates me. After class I apologized for the second time... The guilt ate at me all day, and it still is.

Ok. When I do something wrong, I will think about it for 2-3 weeks at a time. I may not hold grudges against others, but I do against myself. Half the time I want to run away from myself. To myself, I am my worst enemy. I beat myself up emotionally.

So. It's still not of my chest. Along with the other things I've done wrong.

... The rest of the day was just horrible. I couldn't pay attention to anything because of what had happened. I couldn't think. I've been suffocating myself.

I'm like Ruckles's dad on myself. I push myself until I want to die. So, the damage others inflict on me is not nearly as bad as what I do to myself...


Today I called Ruckles's... She didn't pick up... About an hour later, she called back. She was gonna go to the mall. She invited me. I got really excited, dolled myself up, then her mom said no. Hence the title, "Suffering Disappointment." So that just about killed me. I suppose I shouldn't be so upset about it.. But right now.. I'm going through a small breakdown.

I started and finished a painting. I really do love it. I promised I'd give it to Ruckles though.


Oh right, Dragon, you now know what it wrong with me. I hope I brought you into the light a litle bit.

Well.. I'll try to visit. Bye bye.

Chii

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