Monday, March 3, 2008

   well isn't that great....

the first thing that is bugging me is my wallpapers have disappeared and only the post bg is still there. for some reason it's all white and i can't change it cuz theotaku is changing to version vibrant right now and that's where i found one of my wallpapers. it sucks but as you can tell, im addicted to the hamster dance song cuz that's why i changed it. and the 2 new songs are from the movie juno, which i saw with homsar88 yesterday. i didn't post about it cuz of version vibrant but i love how the dog's name is banana and there was this part where this girl was talking about how these condoms made "her boyfriend's junk smell like pie" and the teacher putting a condom on a banana in school. although at the moment im not feeling so cheerful cuz of a couple things. first is that nobody takes me seriously even if im fed up with all of 'em poking me just to amuse themselves and if you're gonna amuse yourself from other people's misery, then don't make it hurt. that's the one thing i can never stop ranting about. i mean seriously, occasionally im ok with a poke or two, but not so hard that i wind up with bruises on my arm and not so hard that you can't even classify it as a "poke" but more like a stab in the guts or in the case of josh, punching me in the kidney. he annoys me more than anyone else cuz he's always bitching about people talking too much in anime club when he's one of the main guys talking in the first place and i would like to note how the one day he and everyone else who sits in the back corner was gone, the room was a hell of a lot quieter and i could actually hear what was being said and not just reading the subtitles. the rest of us that actually pay attention to the anime said one sentence and he came over and said "ok, seriously, shut the hell up all of you. just shut the hell up" and i got pissed at him and told him he had no right to say that to us when he's usually the one talking in the first place. another thing is that everyone is always bitching about the fact that im always screaming every time they poke me and i've tried to tell them "well maybe if you didn't poke me in the first place, then maybe i wouldn't be screaming so much. if it bugs you so much then don't touch me!" and they usually say something like "but it's amusing to make fun of you" and yet they have to bitch about it if i scream too high. omfg, you can't have everything you want in life. it's kinda like a compromise. or you can't get what you want without having to pay a price. it's kinda like fullmetal alchemist's "equivalent exchange" theory oddly enough! it's feels like complaining about getting your arm ripped off by a tiger after poking it with a stick or something. lastly is the fact that my mom was in the hospital today. she was in pain at her office, so dad had to go and pick her up and take her to a hospital. he didn't call me about this which i can kinda understand. but that's not why im annoyed. he picked me up from school as usual and then i notice my brother's car is in the garage when it's normally empty cuz that's where my mom's car goes and then dad was kinda joking around like "hey do you see that?" as if i was blind that i wouldn't notice my brother's car there and i was like "well duh! of course i do, it's not like it's got a cloaking device on it or anything." and then just as im about to leave the car to go inside, he says "oh yeah that's cuz your mom's in the hospital. i had to go pick her up so that's why that's there" omfg, what the hell? what annoyed me is how the way he said "your mom is in the hospital." it almost sounded like he was mentioning that as some kind of after-thought or something. he might as well have said oh yeah your brother died! like it's no big deal! freaking fantastic for going into detail. i actually had to ask him 5 minutes later why she was in the hospital in the first place since he didn't tell me anything else besides that. im not really sure how i should be feeling right now though. for some reason i don't feel anything right now. i said it was annoying, yet for some reason i don't feel annoyed. i don't feel upset or worried and for the strangest reason, my mind is rather blank and it's almost like a trance the way im doing my homework like usual, except it's not really registering like im on autopilot or something. i really expected to have started crying by this point like when the bridge collapsed on the highway and i was so scared my mom might have been on the bridge at the time. i've really been zoning out for the whole day too. to be honest i've been thinking about kakashi for the whole day and i barely paid attention in social studies cuz of it. i wonder what's wrong with me... and it's not like i've been in "fan girl" mode or anything either. im just suddenly curious about everything that hasn't been mentioned in the manga or anime. i feel strangely desperate to know and sometimes i wonder why i can cry about something that's made up rather than real tragedies. i mentioned that i think about death a lot and that includes war, explosions, and the end of the world. the day when the human race dies out and when the sun's flickering rays sizzle out for good. and even though i think about these things and the way rainforests are disappearing and anything that is or will go wrong and i think about it with a blank state of mind. like deforesting is bad but im not gonna bother ever doing anything about it cuz i don't care. or i try to delude myself that im actually sad at the thought of no rain forests and war, but i know it doesn't work and my conversations i have with myself know this. perhaps it's cuz i have accepted that nothing that i ever do is gonna change anything. it doesn't matter how much i hate war(which i do quite a lot) that's not gonna ever stop the never-ending cycle of killing and even though i get pissed sometimes about how ppl kill each other for the stupidest things i see it as something that will always be there. it's ridiculous to believe in a perfect world that is free of pollution and suffering. so i guess i shrug and move on. i might as well enjoy what i can since nothing is gonna change anyway. well i'd be surprised if you actually read all this stuff. but sometimes i feel like im not posting to inform you guys of stuff but rather to write out my feelings where i can see it and look back at wonder why i did or didn't write it the way it is. for some reason i seem to have a weird obsession of analyzing myself and all my faults. i have no problem with thinking with myself "wow you are such a spoiled little bitch" i only get pissed if other ppl call me names or whatever, i have no problem insulting myself or hitting myself. i actually have done that for no reason once. i think i was being weird cuz i wanted to test out how hard i could slap someone, only i didn't want to experiment on any friends so i test it out on me and the same goes for biting myself. all i can say from the times i bit myself is you really don't want to get me mad enough to bite you. it's like i have a hobby of seeing my own teeth marks in my skin. it's weird but i still do from time to time and i love picturing myself as a wolf with long canines. so now if you asked me if i could be any animal in world, what would it be? i would say a wolf with beautifully long sharp claws and teeth that's got a lovely coat of gray. i have always wished to be a wolf when im angry cuz then i can cut up the walls and pillars of any shape to take out my anger on it. you have no idea just how much i long to transform into a wolf. i feel so frustrated knowing i can't transform and i feel like im gonna explode with yearning. *doop*

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