Friday, February 4, 2005

Kill all humans!

Today is my 19th birthday. All of you who dare visit here any longer pay homage, and then ingest vast amounts of cake and ice cream, also in my honor. Smoke while doing so. Rise, chicken! Arise!

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Monday, January 3, 2005

Sand is over-rated. It's just a bunch of tiny little rocks.

I would just like to say Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a great movie, and you should go out and rent it when you get some free time, especially if you have not seen it.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I HATE Spanish ...

I fucking failed the class. My GPA is shit. I cannot be in the fraternity next semester because of my GPA (and possibly not ever because nationals is being bitchy). ... I am just pissed. If I cannot switch majors because of my GPA, I am going to be so much more upset ... Happy fucking holidays ...

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Honestly, painfully dying sounds more pleasant, but ...

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Kendall 2. Barbie 3. Bitch THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. CalvinF113 2. HamFrozenSolid 3. Deific Evil THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My sexy sexy sexy and long and beautiful blonde brown hair. ... Mweheh. >.> 2. My ability to pull off pink black like no other. 3. My ability to make jokes at the wrong time, but still have them be funny. THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My timing. 2. My luck. 3. My lack of ambition. THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Celtic. 2. Polish. 3. German. THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Cockroaches are gross ... when they are alive anyway. 2. Being right next to a vacuum cleaner, messing with some of its parts, when someone plugs it in while it is on. 3. Something ... THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Music 2. Internet. 3. Food. THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. My wannabe pea coat. 2. Black jeans. 3. My AFI "I hate punk rock" t-shirt. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment): 1. AFI 2. Mindless Self Indulgence 3. Green Day (their new album is addicting) THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: 1. "Jesus of Suburbia" (the entire 5 subsongs) Green Day 2. "Bring the Pain" Mindless Self Indulgence 3. That "Christmahanukwanzakuh" song. THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. It is amazing how people are 2. supposed to plan their next year 3. in a few minutes and three easy steps. THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given): 1. Lately ... 2. I honestly 3. Could not tell you ... TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE: 1. This survey thing has quickly begun to bore me. 2. My arms are about six feet long. 3. I had sex with Michael Jackson. THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. I shall let you 2. know, when this 3. actually matters. THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. Sleep enough. 2. Be efficient. 3. Get a job. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Staying awake ... a lot, and then sleep only a few hours. 2. Walking around the house with no real plan on where I am going. 3. Making Dungeons&Dragons character. THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Be done with finals. 2. Money. 3. Food. THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. President. 2. Dictator. 3. Misanthropist. THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Australia. 2. Not Europe. 3. Umm ... Georgia. >.> THREE KID'S NAMES: 1. Alvin 2. Simon 3. Theodore THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Make a wheel out of myself and another person, and roll down a hill. 2. Establish supreme power over the universe. 3. Take over the role of Death. THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY: 1. God. 2. The Pope. 3. Clint Eastwood. (you will find out they are all one in the same)

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Monday, December 6, 2004

Yes you are, but no they do not. I hate generalizations like that ... someone said that in my English class today, I about ripped her to pieces ... in my head.

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Thursday, November 25, 2004

Repledged! // Omaha, City of Entropy

For those of you that have been following my fraternity saga, which would be pretty much be all of you who ever read my posts (all four or five of you), I was repledged on Monday for next semester. Here is the longer story: The entire preceding week of being depledge more than sucked. I pretty much did everything in my power to show the house that I do care about it, myself, and the people in it. I never disliked it at all, the passion for it was just always dormant. I would stop and talk to people if I saw them sitting in their room, or if they were passing by in the hallway; follow them to where they were going if I had to. I would talk to the guys that live out of house more when I saw them visiting. There was a Greek Man of the Year, a for-fun competition one of the sororities holds each year, and we had one of our guys sponsored and whenever he walked on stage I yelled and cheered for him along with the rest of our guys, and he ended up winning (probably helps that audience reaction is a good part of the base of judgement). There are many other examples, but I honestly do not feel like typing them out ... it is 5:30 in the morning. I have not slept all night (we shall get to why later). So come this last Monday night, my pledge dad told me he was going to make a motion on that night's active meeting to get me repledged in the house. So after dinner was done I went up to my room and began writing up what to say to the active house when they called me down to speak on my own behalf. I ended with two sheets of paper, front and back, within the time I had. I finished about five minutes before someone came upstairs to tell me to come down. I went down there, read my paper, and went back upstairs. Five minutes later, I am invited back down, and told I am repledged for next semester. So basically, I am still not a pledge, but I am not held to the limits as strictly. I can go to social events as long as it is cleared with the house first. However, when I awoke the next morning, there was an envelope on my desk addressed from the house. When I opened it up, had a few sheets of paper, then end of which was signed "A Future Brother." The basic point of it was that they are going to see if they can repledge me this semester, so I might have a chance to activate with my current pledge class. It will take a bit of work, but I plan on getting on that as soon as I get back to Lincoln tomorrow night. I am in Omaha currently on Thanksgiving vacation ... I am going back early to help the pledge class sell parkings spots in our house parking lot because we have a home football game. I came back to Omaha Tuesday at about noon. From there I eventually went to dinner with my mom, stepdad, and sister. I also made plans to watch "Requiem for a Dream" with one of my friends (who happens to be one of my ex-girlfriends) later that night. It took a bit to actually get through watching the movie, as several other people ended up coming over as well throughout its duration. I started watching with my friend, Kim, and a little ways through it some of her friends came over. They talked a bit so it was a bit more difficult to hear the movie, and one of them had not seen it before. So Kim, short thereafter, had to go pick up her sister from work. I went with her, and while we did that, her two friends rewatched the movie from the beginning to see what they had missed. When we got pack, two more people were there, both of which were guys I knew from grade school and high school. It was pretty cool to see them again, but weird at the same time. Especially when they would started talking about things that have happened to other friends I knew here that I have not talked to in a good several years. It was all just so depressing because nothing they said that had happened ever really was a good event. We got through the movie with a few other minor setbacks. It was pretty good, but also a bit trippy (and rightfully so given the context of the movie). After if was over pretty much everyone but Kim and I left. So we just got to talking, and it ended up being a really involved conversation. She has always had a problem telling people things about herself, and I mean really. Not joking. At all. She once tried to get her mom to get her to a psychiatrist, because she has massive issues with fear, but nothing ever became of that ... which did not help her situation much. And she has been like that ever since she was a child. So it dominates her life right now. A lot of our conversation was me trying to get things out of her, getting her to open up. Eventually we just started talking about our past relationship. It has been about 19 months since it happened. Of any relationship I have had it was the quickest. We were involved for about three weeks, and actually dating for maybe one week. It was nice to talk about it, though. To see what the both of us thought about it, and we both pretty much had the same thoughts. It still had to coax a lot of things out of her, but it was worth it. I am glad it happened. We were at her house until about 4:30 in the morning. She drove me home and I stayed in her car out in front of my house because we had not really stopped talking yet. So I really was not in my house until about 5:00. Even then, we said we would continue talking tonight. And we did. She got over here at about 1:30AM Thursday, today, after she had gotten off work. At first we just talked about random crap, but then I brought it back to what we left off on the previous night/morning. Again, it was a lot of me trying to get her to say things she was afraid to. I got really frusterated at one point, and that pretty much brought the conversation down to one final bit of information I would stop at nothing to get her to say. She did not want to say it again because she was afraid to, and this one we more of a big deal to her. She describes her fear simply as a wall. It is put up to everyone, and sometimes people can break bits of it down, but very rarely. The previous night she said I had started to put a very small hold in it, and a few cracks here and there. It helps that I am a persistent bitch, and I am good at bringing conversations in full circle to come back to a certain point. However, with this one she knew would put a much bigger hole in that wall. It took me a good half hour to an hour, but I finally got it out of her. I let her leave shortly thereafter, but I knew that part of that wall really did crumble. Before she left, while we were still talking a bit, she told me something else she normally would not without me even trying to pry it out of her. Anyway, that is pretty much the reason I am still awake right now. She was here about as late as I was out last night. I still think it was more than worth it, though. I have realized, though, how much Omaha tends to depress me. Pretty much everything I ever knew here fell apart by the time I left for college. Now that I come back and visit with some of my old friends, everything just seems to further itself into a downward spiral. Everything just seems to eventually give out, and it does it fast. So many people I know do not really seem to be very happy anymore. It is just a weird thing to come back to after so long ...

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Derp ...

To answer Tony's question in the comments from my last entry, if the motion is presented and goes through at Monday nights active meeting, then I will be repledged to that house and get access to social events and such again ... it takes a 50% active house vote. It would be cool because there is one coming up in early December I was looking forward to. If not, I have to wait until next semester to repledge. AND ... If you love Tori, on any level, comment here and tell her so. She needs it right now. =(

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Oi ... Shunned. - Do the Propaganda.

So Monday night the president of my fraternity walks into my room and apologetically hands me a sheet of paper formally stating that my pledgeship within the house is being called into question. Joy. I was quasi expecting this. It had to do with a grade report the academics chair of the active house wanted. The entire concept of it irritated me, because in high school the only people who needed to have grade reports filled out were those people not really doing to well in their classes. Given, I could be doing better in mine, but I actually found out I am doing better than I thought I was, especially in Spanish. So I decided not to worry about getting it filled out, because I found it degrading. Then it turned out that anyone who did not turn it in on time was put on academic probation within the house. Again, I got really mad, but oh well. I had to get my grade report in, and make some sort of plan about how I am going to budget my time during the weeks; this time it was threatened that anyone who did not get them turned in would be up for depledging. Well, I got the grade report in, but I never really understood the plan thing, and I did a really shitty job at it, and forgot to hand it in. So after that house meeting that night I received the aforementioned memo. The date was set for the next night. So come this Tuesday night, all the actives meet downstairs and discuss things in general for a while before calling down those in question. I was the first one down. I had so many factors working against me it is not even funny, though ... To begin with, my ability to speak well in front of groups of people is lacking. I did theater, yes, but that just means I can act well in front of an audience. That is the main thing that really hurt me, that and the fact I was really nervous. I could hardly think straight. They asked questions in concern to how well I think I know people in the house, how the house has affected me and vice versa. A big problem is that they often just asked very open-ended questions, and I do not do well with those, because there can be so many other questions they are asking within that one that I do not know where to even start. One of the guys knew me well enough to know that I struggle with that and phrased questions more specifically, but it did not take long before I pretty much lost all hope in my ability to convince the active house to let me stay a pledge. At that point I just started crying. I was just so distraught because the whole situation was just really fucking stupid. I walked back to a corner to try to calm down a bit, at that point one of the actives came over and put his arm around me and asked me to do the same to him. My respect for that guy skyrocketed at that moment. In my experience the past several years, no one was ever really there when I needed them to be, even if they were in the same room with me, they did not seem to care enough to try to comfort me. So the fact this guy took the initiative to come up and put his arm around me really meant a lot. Words cannot express how grateful I was for that. I still knew the odds were against me though. I finished up talking a bit, and I went back upstairs to continue studying and such. Around 11 o'clock to midnight, the active house finished meeting with everyone they needed to and made their decisions. The president and pledge educator had me walk up to a third floor room with them, and told me that the active house voted to depledge me. Again, I just lost any emotional control. They explained that it only takes about a 10% vote of the house to depledge a person, and they keep it that low for a reason, which I could understand. Depledging is just the wrong way to go about things, though. It is not like I was doing anything wrong. They could have just said they did not want me to activate at the end of this semester and I would have been fine, but taking away my membership as part of the house was way too much. As such, I am no longer allowed to attend meetings, social events, etc. I found this really ironic considering one of the main things the house was concerned about was how I do not seem very social within the house. I was seriously just all-out crying the entire time. It was just so much fucking bullshit. I was the first one of the few they brought down that night, so they had the guy that consoled me earlier at the meeting come in and talk to me while they went and talked to the others. It was a good time, though, once I more or less finished crying. We just talked about our families and just got to know each other a little better. The next day when I sat down for lunch, there were two other actives there, and one took the time to say he apologizes on behalf of everyone who voted not to depledge me that night, and that a lot of the actives are pissed that it happened. He said next Monday when the actives have their meeting, he is going to try to make a motion to repledge us. My pledge father told me he was going to make a motion to deactivate himself, just to make a point, lol. It has been nice to see how some of the actives are responding to it, though. Unfortunately for them, they are obligated to support the decision. They do not have to like it, they just have to not speak badly about it to others. I believe that is wavering a bit in this situation. The entire pledge class is pissed off about it, as are several of the actives. So maybe I shall be repledged before I know it. I hope so. Nothing seems to have really changed other than I cannot attend the social events and such. I mean, everyone interacts with me the same way they did before. Nothing is weird or awkward. So that is good. As you can see, my colors changed again. I was reading the Triangle Fraternity Member Manual the other day and they were talking about our colors, Old Rose and Grey. They just so happened to even mention the hexadecimal color code for them, so I decided to apply them here. Old Rose is obviously the red color, the shade of Grey is the one in the background. I may not technically be a member of the house, but my heart still fucking bleeds Old Rose and Grey. I seriously have not cried as much as I did that night since my parents got divorced. I love this damn house. On a more positive note, Green Day's most recent album "American Idiot" is pretty good. I like it a lot better than I did "Warning," the last album of theirs I listened to. One of the guys have it in the house, and I borrowed it and ripped it to my computer. I would reccomend it.

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Monday, November 15, 2004

... right here in Hollywood

Well, if you read my previous entry, we finished that Amish video today in class. Overall the documentary was pretty good, worth the watch in my opinion. At the very end it says that about 90% of people come back to join the Amish Church. I still wonder how many actually stay though. There was a case with one girl in the movie who came back to join the Church, and later decided she really did not want to, ergo she was banned from her community. Not maliciously or anything, you just lose contact with alll of your family and everything. She actually ended up getting into a college without a high school education. So things seemed to turn out pretty good for her. The main guy in the film went back to join the Church, quitting his drug and drinking habits, got himself a nice girlfriend. However they broke up at one point and he went in a decline. Reverting back to his old self. His father kicked him out of the house and such, and he left as well. When he left he went to find his aforementioned ex who had previously left the Church (part of the reason they were forced to break up). Of the several cases of teenagers in the movie only one went back to join the Church and stayed there. One went back to live within the community, but never planned on joining the Church ... but yeah. It was interesting. I still stay I could get used to the lifestyle, minus the religious aspect. Even though I know the faith is a large part of the culture, I see it mainly there to set and enforce their standards, as it is with most any religion. If a person already behaves that way, whether or not he/she actually believes in Jesus should be secondary. I was surprised to see that the adults of the culture seemed to be more open-minded than I would really think them to be. Just as a random tangent, my friend Ken and I have this little tradition that whenever we drive in his car, we always listen to the album "Toxicity" by System of a Down. It was the only CD he ever really had in his car, so we always listened to it and it just kind of stuck. I just find it amusing. We can get really into the music sometimes, lol ... Like continuously bouncing violently in my seat during "Bounce." Good times, heh.

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Amish Say Anything

My English teacher opened up class today by asking us what comes to mind when we think about Amish people. Me being me, I just kept quiet. Other people of course listed off a mass variety of stereotypes, most of which were true, but it still kind of made my brain hurt. It was easy to tell they found it something more to make fun of than anything. After they finished with their list, the teacher then asked what comes to mind when we think of "Amish teenagers." The first thing that came to my mind was "oxymoron," because when you apply what you know of Amish people and what you know of teenagers ... they really do not fit together. After that, she said we were going to watch a sort of documentary movie about the lives of Amish teenagers. The movie is call Devil's Playground. (Catchy, no?) It looks into the point in Amish teenagers' lives, starting at the age of 16, when they enter a stage called rumspringa. During this time they are allowed to go outside the Amish community into the "english" world. Since it is a strong part of the Amish beliefs that only adults are able to choose whether or not to be baptized to the Church, they are giving the children a chance to decide what kind of life they want for them. Honestly, everything I saw made me really sad. Nonstop partying, excessive drinking, smoking (cigarettes, crank, dope, etc.), drug dealing ... it was all there. Someone commented after the video that the children in the video reminded them of what they think of high school dropouts. And really he had some foundation to that since Amish children stop being schooled after what would be 8th grade and go straight into working full-time. I just could not help but think that it must be incredibly difficult for the parents to have to deal with. Obviously they believe what they are doing is the right thing, but there was a sign in the video outside a church that made me question the adults' decision to start this rumspringa. The sign said, "The path to Hell is paved with good intentions." So even though the Amish faith believes allowing their children to go out into the "english" world is supporting their beliefs and is generally a good idea, all they are really doing is putting their youth straight into the sort of uninhibited lifestyle they open themselves to. Is it really that good of an idea? I honestly think it is, but I also think that if they are going to do that, they should educate their children more. Putting an unexperienced teenager with a lower-classmen high school mentality into the "english" culture is just asking for disaster. They will give into every sort of temptation, and succumb to every kind of peer pressure they come across. And it is only because they have been away from it all their lives so they feel they can suddenly do anything. In the end, some teenagers ended up being arrested for drug dealing. Others had to seek psychological help for depression and the like. At one point a guy was paranoid that someone was outside his trailer right after he got done hypothetically (and nonsensically I might add) talking about "fate" and how there could be a guy waiting outside with a shotgun waiting for him right then, and what would happen would happen ... It was just really depressing. You would think children raised through strict discipline would be able to be able to handle themselves a little better than what was seen in the video. The girls seemed to be able to handle themselves better than the guys. One thing often seen was that Amish girls typically still dressed Amish when out in the "english" world, while guys wore modern clothes. Girls were quicker to realize when they were doing something wrong and get away from it, whereas guys were not. It made me wonder what the ratio is - girls to guys - of children who come back and decide to keep with the Amish Church. I found it all very interesting, regardless of how surprised I was. I think it would be interesting to spend time in an Amish community and see how well I, as an "english" outsider, could fit in with the Amish community. There were a few teenagers in the movie who said it would impossible for an "english" person to make the change to Amish, but I think I could probably do it, heh ... Then again, I am not as attached to material things as others are. I bet aside from religious background, I could get along pretty well ... Anyway, I have had Say Anything's album ... Is a Real Boy on my computer for some time from Tony, but never got around to listening to it. So during my two-hour break between my morning and afternoon classes and decided to listen to it. I like it quite a bit. Good rainy day music, and I know that because it is a rainy day. And I think Tori forgot to put up an away message on AIM ... she has not responded all day. Sadness ...

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