Thursday, June 2, 2005

Hopeless.

I have been trying to get over the use of that word in description of myself lately, but it is really hard to do when that is all I have really known for the past several years of my life. Someone could put $800 billion dollars in my bank account tomorrow, and I would be able to tell them that I still could not live comfortably. I still would not be able to achieve everything I have ever wanted, or have ever needed. Sure, I would never have debt. I could live in the biggest house I could imagine, with the nicest cars, give plenty to charity, travel anywhere and everywhere ... but I still wouldn't be happy with any of it. I can't even say I would be content. I would be no different from how I am now, except that I would actually have a lifestyle. I would still be the same bitter, cynical man that is sitting here typing this. What I need right now is not impossible, but seeming so extremely improbable. I feel like things are deteriorating, entropy is taking its course. Things just don't seem as vibrant, lively, and hopeful as they once were. When all signs point to "no," you are the only one left saying "yes." I have never enjoyed feeling alone. I don't really expect many people to know specifically what I am talking about here. One should definitely know for sure. A second could probably take a good guess. But oh well ... When getting into the business I have been venturing into lately, one of my partners asked me why I was in it. I told him. I wasn't sure how to explain it, but I did what I could. If I was dying of cancer, and the Make A Wish Foundation came to me and asked me what is the one thing I want to do before I die. I would be able to answer them right off the bat with a simple request. It wouldn't be exactly what I always wanted, but it would be enough to make me happy before I bite the dust. As life gets longer, awful feels softer, And it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, Well I feel pretty blissfully.

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