Monday, March 29, 2004

I am so incredibly depressed right now. Tonight was the final performance of the play. It went off very well, and even before it started, the person who did my make-up last year (who was a senior and had graduated) was there and was able to come back and put my make-up on one last time. I was very excited about that. It is my firm opinion that no one has ever done it as well as her. The person who does the make-up this year just said, "John, you look the same." I replied, "But I feel better." No one could ever match her; it is like eating your favorite bowl of ice cream on a hot day. I was overjoyed when I saw her come in. She ran and gave me a hug, and I hugged back, picking her up and spinning around, lol ... It still makes me smile ... As I said, the play went well, all three nights even. The first night had the best cast party. We played tackle football, girls versus guys (about 20 against 8). Guys won. Our main stratagy was to hike the ball to the quarterback, then we would all run back to him in one big group, then turn around and run as if we had the ball. Allegedly there was a play where the girls tried flashing the guys as a distraction, but none of the guys saw it apparently. We were only looking for the person with the ball. I got a couple good tackles. One, another and and myself sandwiched a girl, and accidentally made her bite her lip. There was no bleeding or anything, so that was good. Another, I was simply off to one side where all the other guys were not, go figure that is where the person with the ball ran. As soon as I the the person, I darted toward her and tore her down. I was described as a "seek-and-destroy missile," heh. It was good times for everyone. After that, we went inside and started a progressive song. The first person would sing one line, and then the next person would have to add another, etc. After that, we had a smaller group left, and so we played dirty charades, which was interesting to say the least. Finally, we had a "Circle of Death," which was the 10 people who were left sitting together and asking questions to the group as a whole, in this case circling around the play. It is kind of like Truth or Dare without the Dare, and everyone has to answer. It pretty much all stayed sexual since we had just finished dirty charades. The questions were, "If you have have unconsequential sex with any cast member, who would it be?," "If you could have gay sex with any cast member of the same gender, of course) who would it be?," "If you could use any prop from any play as a sex toy what would it be?," and the last which was not sex-related, "If you could kick anyone out of the play, who would it be?" It was pretty interesting, and probably the best cast party I have been to. It ended around 2:15 a.m. The second cast party was pretty lame. The music playing turned to rap so I just left the room with other people who did not care for it and sat in the basement of the person's house and talked. Eventually that room became rather crowded, so I went and layed by myself in another adjacent room. That one ended at 12:00 a.m. After tonight, a group of us, all seniors I believe, went to a restaurant and had some pie. It was some pretty good times, I suppose. However, the one person who I wanted to give me a ride home, the one who gave me a ride there, handed me off to another person because she lived closer. I can understand that, I suppose, but I would have preferred otherwise. Is that why I am depressed? Not really. After the two years I have done theater there, after the two musicals and two plays I have participated in, and after everything I have added to the department there ... I feel like I am walking away empty-handed. I have pretty decent doubts that aside from Strike (where we take down the set) and Oscar Night (where we recognize the "best" actors and actresses) I am bound to never see any of them again. I am walking away without any friends. It really would not be that big of a deal if I had some already, but I hardly do. I have people I see and talk to at school, but that is about it. I do not think many people in the cast can sympathize with that because they get out often. The people I have come out and said this to just seemed rather apathetic, they said the whole, "Aww, I'm sorry. You're my friend," deal, but I could tell there was very little there. One girl took my number at the restaurant, but I have a feeling that was just in the spirit of everybody switching numbers about. If she ever calls, I shall be surprised. It is not likely I shall be home anyway, since I am so often at school until late at night. One might say, "Well, if you weren't at school, you could be out doing things." But I am at school because I never have anything else to do. I am depressed because I find it almost hard to believe I can walk out of there without at least one friend. As "unique" and as much of an "individual" they have told me I am (one even told me that she kind of thinks of me as a "modern Jesus" o_O), how come they apparently do not care to try and see me more often? I have come to a firm conclusion that the lonliest people can be the nicest one can meet, but often the most broken. And it is these instances that support my conclusion. I know at least one person is truly going to miss me, and that is the director. Before I left tonight I gave her a hug and she started crying a bit. I know that she knows I am very well her strongest male actor, which is why she would always give me the more difficult parts rather than the lead ones. Some of the girls have even said to me that she is going to miss me next year more than she is going to miss any of the senior girls, heh. Whether or not that is true, I do not know, but it is a nice thought. On a semi-relative tangent, if I do not receive "Best Actor" at this year's Oscar Night, I am going to be pretty pissed off. I got the shaft last year, and it is a bit more understandable as I had not made as much of a name for myself by then. I am pretty much already expecting disappointment, but I still think there could be a chance. However, I think it is probably going to go to the same guy it did last year, and I know I am far better than he is at both singing and acting. I have been in a bit of a rut ever since I started this ordeal, and now that it is over, I think I only to be found deeper in it.

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