Friday, October 28, 2005

   Today
I’m not very happy right now. So be prepared for some serious depression from me. Not that you care! NE ways. Everything was going half way okay until I got home. I can’t stand it here I gotta get out! Again nothing I did was good enough. Nothing made her happy. As soon as I finished my homework, I went straight to my bedroom, to pack everything up so we could finish painting. And it started. The yelling. I was being very polite about everything despite how mad and hurt she was making me by her comments and yelling. I asked her if should keep an old picture of mine and she went off, she was totally mad. She was saying stuff like “you’re nothing like your sister, she would keep stuff that was suppose to be special to her” and “Your brother never gave me this kinda attitude.” First thing I’m not my sister and I don’t have an attitude. I didn’t say that but I wanted to. I quietly told her “that I would keep it and I wasn’t trying to give her an attitude.” For some reason that made her more mad. She went to pick up a pile of stuff and two things fell off the top so she threw the picture frame that was in her hand and glass shattered everywhere. Then she just stormed off. I can’t believe she did that. She left me there to pick up all the glass. I sat there looking at the glass thinking how easy it would be to end it all and take away the pain. I called my friend crying the first thing out of her mouth was “don’t do it, Don’t kill yourself” It was like she knew exactly what I was thinking before I said anything. She even knows the sound of my crying and what it means. I don’t know where I’d be with out her. I know this isn’t such a big deal but everything is starting to pile up. I don’t know how much more I can handle. It’s like one thing after another. I’m holding on by a thread. My only escapes are school, which can sometimes suck, and here, the Internet where no one can hurt me. I wouldn’t be able to handle life if it weren’t for these two things.

sorry for wasting your time with my stupid post!
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Thursday, October 27, 2005

   Hello, dont read unless you have nothing better to do!!
I’m really confused right know about everything. The world is spinning. My head hurts so much. I don’t know how to make it stop. *That’s the way I feel* I kinda just wish everything would stop and let me catch up. I don’t know what to feel anymore. One moment I’m happy, the next I’m mad, and then I’m depressed. Well I’m mostly depressed. As soon as I think things are getting better they start getting worse. I don’t know what to do. I’m still having issues with my friends. I think I know how to fix it. I’m going to turn the guy down gently so I don’t hurt my friend. Then I will just stop talking to the other guy so my other friend won’t get the wrong idea and them maybe shell talk to me. Well I’ll let you know how everything works out. (Even though most of you don’t care, I’ll pretend you do cause it makes me feel better)

Well I had to run a mile today in PE I did it in 12 min 40 secs. That’s not to bad I had 14mins to run it in. I forgot to do my homework for English and fell out of my chair it was really embarrassing and I got a bruise on my arm. Even the teacher started to make fun of me. In drama we started to watch Titanic. So awesome cause all we do is lie on the floor and watch the big screen TV with the lights out. It gets really dark cause there's no windows.

Well I think I’ve bored you long enough.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

   Just another poem
I have to get away,
Away from it all.
Leave this world,
Let my body fall.
I can’t take it anymore,
This pain I feel.
Is too intense,
Only here it is real.
This world I hate,
Won’t let me free.
People who pretend to care,
Won’t let me be.
I’ve tried so hard,
To find a way.
To leave this world,
To run away.
Can’t look back,
Or I might stop.
Just keep going,
Fire the shot.
To end it all,
And take away the pain.
To keep myself,
From going insane.

I'm still searching for an escape from this world or atleast home.

I'm so confused right now. Two of my friends are mad at me over guys. One wont talk to me and i can tell the other one is hurt. The this guy wants to ask me out but i cant say yes even if i wante dto because that would totally break my friends heart. i have no Idea what to do? It really more confusing than that i just didnt want to get into all the details.

Well let me know what you thought of the poem i wrote it.
bye bye
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

   I'm so upset and sad right now!!!
Hey guys! How are you? I’m not feeling so happy. Everything was fine until I got home. I made it through the school day perfectly fine. Sure I wasn’t really happy but it was bearable. I even enjoyed the car ride home. I was listening to “system of the down” with my dad in the car, and he was totally into it normally he’ll tell me to turn of the junk or turn it down, but know he cranked it up so loud and started rockin out. It was so funny. Though it was weird when he tried to sing along (more like scream). Well NE ways we went to burger king and got food. We even got food for my mom. I don’t know why, but when I got home everything went down hill nothing was going right. I got through my homework with my mom making comments that upset me, but I was okay. Then I started doing my chores and she was sitting down in a chair criticizing me the whole time on how I did things and I just took it. Then she made me redo it. I don’t know why it just really made me mad. Then after I did everything she told me to do, I asked her if it was okay if I went to my friends volleyball game after school and she said no because I’ve been away from home to much. That’s what I’m trying to do escape from home. It’s the only part of the day I have a hard time getting through. School and the Internet are my only ways out. I really depend on the Internet for a way out. I don’t know what ill do if she takes that away??? I love my mom she just doesn’t understand me!

Well that’s all I have to say thanks for listening

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Monday, October 24, 2005

   My weekend
Hiya, How are all of you. I’ve missed you guys ^-^.
Well let’s see Friday. I walked to Starbucks and then to my friends house and from there back to school. It was at least two miles. Then I went to a football game back at school. I had a good time! very eventful (I didn’t watch the game Hee Hee) I think we won JV and lost Varsity but I’m not really sure. I was happy! I got cougar beads. They’re blue and white for our school colors ^-^. Saturday I went camping with my best friend. She came back to California for a week. We hiked, ran, walked, carved pumpkins, made smores, it was so much fun. Then we watched The Ring Two while we were in the trailer. It was creepy I loved it!! We came home Sunday (its still Sunday here currently) Well I have school tomorrow so I better go.

Bye Bye

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

   Nonsense
“It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all”

What do you guys think of this saying? I totally agree with it because I believe “that which does not kill us only makes us stronger” I’ve obviously been thinking way too much about what happened. Even though all the pain the situations left me with I would never take it back. Because it changed the person I am and will be. I know that somehow I’ll get over it. Its just stupid teenage stuff, but right now its all that seems to matter to me. I have to remember this feeling of sadness and pain, so I can think before I act next time. I know I’ll be okay, but at the moment it doesn’t feel that way. I’m weird I kinda have two personalities, one that thinks logically and the one that lets her emotions rule her life. I can feel them both all the time but ones always stronger than the other. I’m terribly sorry if I confuse you.

Well that’s about it, so goodbye.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hiya

I never asked for the sunshine
I never wanted the rain
I didn’t ask for these feelings
And I never wanted this pain.

I never asked for forever
I never wanted your lies
I never asked to be left with
These heart wrenching cries

I didn’t ask for the moon
I never wanted the air
I never asked you to love me
I never asked you to care

I never wanted to love you
I never wanted to fall
I never wanted to succumb
And give to you my all

I didn’t ask for the world
Or for the heavens above
I never asked you for something
But I’ve always longed for your love
- anonymous

Today wasn’t too bad. I’m stilling feeling kind depressed and I don’t know why. Well I do but I should be over it. I don’t know why I care so much. I need help forgetting.

NE ways tomorrow is a half-day at school. We get out at 12 noon. I’m going to come home and sleep. Then I guess I will paint my room some more. Depends on how lazy I am.

Well I have nothing else to type so I’ll post later.

Bye

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

   This song is from "Phantom Of The Opera"
Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we’ve said
Goodbye.
Remember me
Once in a while
Please promise
Me you’ll try

When you find
That, once
Again, you long
To take your heart back
And be free
If you
Ever find
A moment,
Spare a thought
For me…

We never said
Our love
Was evergreen
Or as unchanging
As the sea-
But if
You can still
Remember
Stop and think
Of me…

Think of all the things
We’ve shared and seen
Don’t think about the things
Which might have been…

Think of me
Think of me waking
Silent and
Resigned

Imagine me,
Trying too hard
To put you
From my mind.

Recall those days,
Look back
On all those times,
Think of all the things
We’ll never do
There will
Never be
A day when
I won’t think
Of you…
This is one of my favorite songs from “Phantom Of The Opera” I was and still am kinda obsessed with the play, movie and original casting soundtrack. I hope some of you like it too ^-^

Well I’ve had an okay day. I loved the weather it was raining and foggy almost all day. My favorite season is winter. How bout you guys?

My mom and I are painting my room right now. The ceiling is a very dark purple and the walls are going to be a French lavender or at least that’s what it’s called.

Well that’s about it
Bye bye

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Monday, October 17, 2005

   Sorry i havent been on in a while ^o^
Hi I’m so happy I have time to get on and post. I feel like I haven’t been on for years. I miss all you guys. Well I’ve been pretty busy. Friday night I went to Knotts Sacry Farm with my friend Katie it was so fun. I got so scared. It was really scary I got hit by a dead bride person who was missing an eye. It was so much fun I can’t say that enough! I slept all day Saturday with my friend and my sis. Then we took my friend home and went to McDonalds no matter how old I am HappyMeals are aleways fun ^-^. Sunday I slept in and then my Best friend Paige called and said she flew into California from Oklahoma. I was so happy. We went to the movies and saw fog it really sucked (the movie) But I was so happy to see my best friend. We might go camping this weekend before she flies home.

Well that’s about all I can’t wait to visit all your sites.
Bye bye

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

   Just another poem but this one I wrote !
Depression is sweet sweet sorrow,
A pain that never goes away,
It will be there tomorrow.
I thought I’d be okay,
That I’d make it through,
Just take it day by day,
But how I was wrong,
This pain I feel,
I can’t live with for long.
Its you I think of,
When I wake,
And you I dream of.
While I sleep,
I wish to forget,
But my attention you keep.
I can see you with her,
From across the room,
My vision begins to blur.
As I remember the day,
You hurt me so bad,
That it took my heart away.

What do ya think of the poem?

Hey whats up. Take a guess how I feel? NE ways, my friend just joined My Otaku, She doesn’t really like anime yet? But I will change that please make her feel welcome. Her user name is nayelli.

I did my drama skit and it went really well. I had so much fun. I felt really good acting in front of the class ^-^ I was really nervous though.

Well gotta go bye

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