Monday, September 11, 2006

   Uh ... hi? >.>
OH ME GEE!

I'M STILL ALIVE EVERYONE!!!!!!!

Crap-shit! I haven't been in here months. I'm horrible. I'm surprised I wasn't taken off everyone's friends list. x_x I don't even remember how to do anything on here. xD That's just special.

As a small update, there's now nine in my apartment. xD Before anyone flips, only three are human. Mom, my sister, me, Reene, Taima, Jazzie, Bay, Tora, and Mahin all in my small apartment. Funfun! Not really. Haha, not too bad.

Well, I have no clue what to say. I'm in the beginning of my junior year, in the colour guard of marching band, haven't harmed myself in over a month ((not long but something)), and I'm actually semi-happy about life which is new. *shrugs*
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Saturday, March 25, 2006

   *Sighs*
Well, it's a little after one in the morning and Sam, Lee, and Mahin just left. We've been playing Nertz for an hour, maybe a little more; the Johnson-family card game. I actually won a few times, though Aunt Judy and Tanya would kick our butts. We tried to teach Lee but it didn't really work. >.>;;; It's a really fun game though; I missed playing it. After a little bit though, my head started to swim and I felt like from my forehead up was spinning. I wasn't having a dizzy spell exactly, but something similar.

This will be the first Saturday in literally MONTHS that I will not only be able to sleep in, but watch my precious Saturday cartoons. ^^ It's one of the very few things that make me feel like I'm still a kid.

Mom's making me help her take down Christmas today. I'm surprised Mom let me keep it up this long. We were going to keep it up for my birthday since nothing special would happen, but it's long passed that.

Oh geez. Now the cats are coming out and being all nice again. They are nasty when Mahin's over. If her scent is on me, Reene will do nothing but hiss at me; the same cat who sleeps on my bed and is usually all lovey.

Hmn, I seem to be obsessed with Spirited Away now. I watched it when it was on Toonami last Saturday and now I've been reading fanfics non-stop. There's this one author at FFN, Velf, I believe is the name. She has three stories up for SA and they are amazing. I recommend everyone to go read them. ^^

Okay, well ... I'm off to bed now.
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Monday, March 20, 2006

   ...
Life has been confusing and full of stress lately. I'm not sure how I should be reacting to it. It's as if I'm just ... existing; rather than living. Maybe I'm just at a loss about what happened the other night. Mom received a text message on her cell phone that said, "SUE I LOVE YOU." Sam and I just realized last night that the sender was Dad. But apparently he meant it to go to the other Sue ... her. Mom knows we know but I can't tell her! I have no clue how she will react to it. She thinks it's just an early April Fools joke. We already knew Dad was with her ... I just didn't like acknowledging it. Do I have the right to even be upset? My parents have been divorced for almost five years now. He has the right to move on ... but I do I have the right to be angry anyway?

It's times like these that I wish the tears would not come, but I could merely curl up and meld into myself. Just disappear from everything.

I have no right to be crying right now. I have no right to be upset. I have no right. None whatsoever. I'm just being the selfish brat I've always been. I should be working on my homework and presentation that I'm most likely doing on Wednesday, but no. I have to be my usual, stupid self and bitch my head off here.

Why do I feel so betrayed? What he's doing is perfectly natural. I'm not one of those daughters who want to keep their father to themselves. But then ... why is this affecting me so much? Do I miss having a father that much? Or is it the fact that I would rather die a thousand deaths than see the two responsible for the Hell my family went through together?

Why can I not let this go?
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Monday, March 13, 2006

   Meh
Well, today was the first day of the W.A.S.L. It was rather easy ... but also it was merely the reading section.

I had yet another fight with Dad last night. I had wanted to scream my lungs out after I hung up on him. But for the first time, I wasn't overwhelmed by the urge to cut; perhaps I am finally beginning to heal. SI would distract me from the emotional pain I feel every time we speak, but the damage his pain gives is tenfold to a thousand cuts. It would be a waste of time.

It seems ridiculous for me to have this kind of attitude not even a week after my "Sweet Sixteen" but for what happened, it wasn't all that sweet to begin with. It's funny, all the sudden, I feel so dreadful and solemn; not too far off from my usual pessimistic self. Maybe I'm just stressing over school. Besides the W.A.S.L., there's projects that are due worth many points and registration papers for next year were just turned in.

Sometimes, I wish life could switch to a 'slow' mode ... for the people who just need a break.
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Sunday, March 5, 2006

   Over-view of the past few days
Yesterday was interesting. It was the winter guard competition up in Ferndale. The ride to and from was two hours so I slept for a lot of the car-time. The competition itself wasn't so great; mostly because I fucked it up. For some odd reason, I got confused on which was the front and back of the floor. So I set my flags incorrectly. Thankfully I did it the right way the second time, which was the round that actually counted. I still messed up once though, but it was really small. It makes me wonder if they do count the first round, since we got fourth a.k.a. last, once again. I don't expect to beat Newport, because they kick ass, but I know we're better than Auburn. A lot of guards were dropping yesterday; ours included. It was weird. I think the only part of the whole competition I liked, was right after Newport performed, we ((when I say 'we' I mean the entire Cascade gaurd)) stood up and shouted, "Shimmy, shimmy, coco puff! *claps with last word*" It was hilarious because Newport and Megan started cracking up. Jimmy ((their choreographer)) just stared at Megan with his jaw dropped. XD What we shouted was a warm-up we learned from them back at the last competition. Side, back, side, front, move hips to left slow, right slow, left fast, right fast, left fast, right fast, shimmy, jump, clap; plus say the last part "Shimmy, shimmy, coco puff!" It's hard to explain when I only speaking about it.

During the lunch break there, Dad, Sam, and I got lunch and ate it in the car. We saw the most ADORABLE dog outside with her/his owner. Dad thinks s/he was a teacup Yorkie because it was a mini Jazzie. S/he stook literally way less than a foot. I'm going to have a teacup Yorkie before I die.

Anyway, after the competition, it's tradition that the guard does to the local Red Robin before the drive home. It was really fun. We wrote a note on a napkin to our waiter, Matt. XD Cauri put that it was Courtney, Cecilia, and my birthday. XD Well, it will be on Tuesday! So we got ice cream and these weird glasses. But the fun part is that you can have them on and be looking somewhere else and no one will have a clue. It's hilarious because we were freaking out the other girls at the table. In the end, they asked for glasses and we took a group picture. XD I'll probably put it up at myspace.

So, yesterday was an pretty good day. Today, however, was the complete opposite. Things kept going wrong; one of them was me spilling milk all over my bed and desk. I'm washing the last bit of my bed sheets now. Come to think of it, yesterday was the last really good day I had since that one Friday a week or two ago. Dad's been pulling shit again and I completely broke down Thursday after practice. Dad's landlord says either Darbie goes, or he goes. Of course he calls me and expects me to have the answer. Mom and I CANNOT take Darbie back. As much as I love her to death and want to take her, we just cannot. Fortunately, he was a week now. But Thursday, when I was talking to Mom about it, we got started talking how he always makes it my job to make everything alright. It's my job to tell him what to do and fix everything. My job to have all the guilt and blame. So basically, I had a complete mental breakdown. I cried for at least an hour straight; literally. Mom was afraid I was going to cut, and to be honest, I wanted to so badly. But that would mean he would have won. I REFUSE to let that bastard win. Mom ended up writing Dad a hate e-mail that night. When I read it, I wanted to laugh so much but I was in the middle of crying at that moment. I stayed home Friday to put myself back together. I know I shouldn't have, but I really needed it. I slept most of the day and when I woke up after sleeping around twelve hours, it felt like it was only three. Probably from all the crying, I exhaused myself. But I finally forced myself to get up, so I could go to the Alderwood Mall with Mom and Sam. I got gorgeous skirt I'm going to wear on my birthday. The only thing I hate, is the fact that it it was $98 from Nordstrums. Mom had gotten a $100 gift card from work for there and she hated everything there so bought me the skirt. I still feel guilty about it, since Mom should have used it but I can't do anything about it now.

I probably babbled wayyy too much and probably have the worst grammar ever but right now I don't care.
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