Friday, August 19, 2005

   Unimportant shit
I feel a little better from last night. Little being the keyword. If I had to describe how I felt in one word ... it would probably be shitty.

Last night I listened to Simple Plan's one song over and over for a while while I tried to cry. Usually, if I can cry, then I'll feel better. Not much luck. So I took some pain and allgery medicine then watched a little tv while I ate the rest of my ice cream. I probably went to bed at 1:30am. I kept waking up though.

Right before bed, I was so shaky and dizzy; it scared me. When I first laid down to sleep, it was a little hard for me to breath.

Mom started yelling at me to get up around 7:00am but I didn't actually get up till 8:30am. It's 9:47am now.

A part of me doesn't want to go out. I'm sort of hoping Rick's mom will be a bitch and change her mind about letting him leave the house. I just don't want to do anything. If I could, I'd just go back to bed till school started.

I'll probably only come online later today if sis comes on so we can rp. Lately, that seems to be the only time when I'm truly happy. It's so weird. I really am obsessed with Ed.

God damn ... the whole apartment smells like pee. It makes me sick. I've shampooed that carpet a thousand times! Well, I guess it's going to be a thousand and one.
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   Just a song
I heard this song a while ago but never listened to the lyrics till yesterday. I think this song is beautiful. It sort of fits my mood too. It's by Simple Plan.

Untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No, I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No, I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

   Last night
Last night was interesting. David sent a text to my cell at 12:30am. It was rather awkward. Here's the conversation.

David ::: I feel I owe you an apology for the stuff that went on last year. The truth is that i was part of the whole plan. My goal was to get you to pick a fight with raven so she could beat you up. What I did was wrong and I am really sorry. All I'm asking is forgivness. I don't expect us to be friends, although it would be nice. All I am asking is forgivness, so can you find it in you to forgive me?

Me ::: And why are you saying this now?

David ::: Because I relize that I was leading the wrong kind of life. Believe it or not I've changed quite a bit over the summer! Spelling still sux tho ...

Me ::: That still doesn't explain why everyone turned on me.

David ::: I have no idea. Maybe that crowd was just the wrong place to be. I think people thought you were getting bossy. Not sure tho, i just followed. If you would like we could talk to them, ask them, maybe try to make things better ...

Me ::: When this happened I wasn't even hanging out with you people! That was when Rick went away for a week so I had lunch with Kim or Jesse.

David ::: The whole raven thing started all the way back when she was in your seat. Its all because of an argument that never got resolved.

Me ::: The only time I EVER talked to Raven was when she was in my seat. I heard that was planned so what the fuck did I ever do to you guys?!

David ::: Please don't swear. I'm not sure. Maybe it was just the fact that you were not being very social. I just simply don't know.

Me ::: Fine. I don't really care anymore. Just leave me alone.

David ::: I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. Have a good night!

The whole thing was really weird and awkward. It just made me break down and cry.

I don't know what to do anymore ...
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   Strange ...
Not much has happened today. Except that I've been in this mood where all I do is cry. I'm not depressed about anything ... I just ... am depressed. I don't know exactly how to explain it. I think this has gone on for maybe a week. But today ... I just broke down crying. I'm either depressed or blank. I'm feel like crying right now too so since it's midnight, I'm going to bed now.

Ja ne.
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   Naaaah ... ~_~
It's 7:40pm and I am exhausted. I was just fine when Mom first came home at 6:30pm. But then I just got really tired. I doubt I'll stay up late tonight.

Well, my class schedule finally was approved. And ... I'M IN SYMPHONIC CHOIR!!!!!!! *jigs* I literally did a little victory dance when I saw I made it into Symphonic.

The fire alarm when off today a little after 3:00pm; had to stay outside for forty minutes. Turns out a baka from down the hall on my floor burnt his eggs and opened his door to vent out the smoke. What'd a baka. ¬_¬

Damn it I'm tired. I might just go to bed. But why am I so freaking tired? It doesn't make sense. Maybe it's because I read to much last night and today. o.o Reading ((a book not a comic or fanfiction)) too much makes me sleepy.

Oh, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil and Clay Aiken was on it! It was about being bullied at school and online. I can relate to that topic so much.

Okay, I can't think of anything else to say ... so ... I think I'm going to go.

Oyasumi minna. ~_~ *passes out*
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   Do doo do do ...
I actually did some stuff today. I didn't get up till 12:30pm when Mom came home for lunch. But then I looked on On Demand and found some bellydancing exercises! So I did those and some workouts for your ab muscles. I can still feel a burning sensation on a part of my stomach. XD

I think tomorrow I might actually clean my room a little. Little being the keyword. I have so much trash in my room it's disgusting. If I can't get to sleep I just might clean my room then. Get a few trash bags, turn on some music ((but not too loud since Mom's room is next door)) and clean. It's only 11:25pm so it's still early ... for me.

Or I might get offline and go read in my room. Yes, read a book. XD

But now my stomach is starting to hurt so I don't know. I'll probably read no matter what. I'll force myself to clean tomorrow too.

Oh, here's my new class schedule ... I really hope it stays like this:

First period - Algebra Concepts II - McIntosh
Second period - Biology - Penalver
Third period - Symphonic Choir - Cappello
Fourth period - Sign language - TBA
Fifth period - Sophomore English - Crews
Sixth period - AP World History - Averill

Do doo do do ...

I need to burn this playlist onto a CD. I'm listening to a j-pop/rock mix I made of all anime songs. XD I can sing most of them now. I would be able to sing them better if I could take Japanese though. I really want to learn ... and Cascade ((my high school)) was supposed to have it. But of course the baka Spanish teacher who knows the language refused. We went to him and he wouldn't even make a club! ... asshole ... ¬_¬

Well, I think I'm going to go read now and maybe clean my room. I only have two new pictures but I'll put them up.

Oh haha ... it's 11:34pm. "Hell" time. *blinks* Am I the only one that gets amused by this?

...

I guess so ... >.>


I thought this was appropriate since that is basically me.


I just thought this was cool. x.x
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Monday, August 15, 2005

   ...
Lately, the people around me keep bringing up a certain subject; I always brush it aside. But ... now, I'm not so sure.

How do you know if someone is a best friend ... or more than a friend?

I've asked myself this many times ... and I thought I had the answer. But like Mom says ... feelings change.

I don't know why it's suddenly burned on the brain ... but I can't stop wondering.

It's making me so frustrated! I've even cried a little today because of it.

Right now, I can't tell if the answer is totally obvious and I'm just being idiotic or what.

I just want school to start ... so I'll have something to preoccupy my mind.

... I don't think I'll get any sleep tonight ...
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Sunday, August 14, 2005

   Family reunion
Well, it was much better than I expected. I just got home and it's only 11:30pm. *being sarcastic* I left at 8:30am this morning so I've been out all day with Dad and Sam. The drive to the border was two and a half hours when we drove around for an hour or so looking for Gastown. We finally found it and looked around for a bit. There were so many dream catcher things I wanted to get. There was a both outside that had spirit catchers on a bracelet. I wanted it so badly but since I only had American money, she would probably rip me off on the change.

We got to the house at 2:30pm ((Dad had to call them to find the house; it's behind a truck junk yard o.o)) and met fifth cousins Coleen and Jim and there daughter, my sixth cousin, Stephanie. We didn't figure out how we were family till we were leaving. XD Finally Great Aunt Sally showed up. She was so happy to see Sam and me. I don't remember her from the 1998 reunion down in Denver but she remembers me. I was only eight then so I just recall hanging out with my second cousins and re-acting Sleeping Beauty. x.x;;;

So we ate and yeah. Took many pictures *sweatdrops* thanks to Dad and Aunt Sally. Jim has a really nice singing voice. It surprised me so much. He brought out his guitar and just started playing and singing. After a while another dude ((who was Mexican but dressed up in Texas stuff XD so I'm guessing he married into the family)) joined him with his guitar. It was really cool. Sam and I were amazed watching them. We actually wanted to stay longer so we could hear them more. XD But it was getting late so we left at 9:40pm and got across the border really fast; no one was there. o.o

It was fun and I'm really glad I went. But now my stomach hurts and I have a bitch of a headache on my right temple; I think it's because there were so many people smoking around me. I'm used to the smell, but too much tends to give me headaches.

I don't know if I'm going to bed yet. I slept in the car a lot. If you just move the upper part of the seat belt, you can find many interesting ways to sleep quite comfortably. XDDD

EDIT ::: Oh, I found out why Pepp called me five times yesterday. Rick talked to Marlo and supposedly Pepp was with her. She wants to get the group back together; the group was Pepp, Marlo, David, Rick, and me. Basically, I told Rick, "Well tough shit for her." Then I hung up with him and played this bean bag game with Sam. We did like ten rounds. XD We came up of interesting ways to do it; like Horse ... didn't work out too well. XD
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Friday, August 12, 2005

   4:30pm and ready for bed ... ~_~
I just got back from seeing Stealth with Rick, Travis, and ... Travis' dad. x.x;;;

XD Yeah, but it was still a good movie. Rick and I kept yawning. XD Not because it was boring; for me because I am TIRED.

It was really fun hanging out with Rick ... he usually can't go anywhere besides school. I had to buy him popcorn. XDDD

My class schedule is flip-flipping back and forth between the two already posted here. Maki and Chintuki changed bio classes on me so both could have german together. x.x I might have english with Maki though. Now I really want school back. I know after a week, I'll go, "LIEK OMGZ SKOOL SOOKS @$$!!!!111one" XD but I'll live.

Tomorrow's the Frank reunion. I really don't want to go but I will anyway. It'll be my first time out of the country.

Not much else to say. The movie ran a half an hour late XD so Rick and I walked around while waiting for the theater to open and Travis to appear. We saw Doug riding the little kid carousel and Josh with I'm guessing his little sister. It was interesting. XDDD

EDIT ::: While I was gone at the movies, apparently Pepp called!!!!! Mom didn't pick it up ((she hates her more than I do)) so I don't know why she called but DUDE!!! When I told Rick he flipped out! It was kinda funny but then I started wondering why she would call.

EDIT #2 ::: Okay, this is weird. Pepp called me four more times. Twice on my home phone and twice on my cell. She left a message saying to call her back right away because she had a question that was important. I told mom about it and she said and I quote, "Don't you dare." So yeah, I didn't call her back. It makes me wonder if I should ...
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   This is so wrong ...
I found this in Chin-wifey's journal. It makes me want to cry ...

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
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