Monday, June 27, 2005

   DUDE!!! CHA!!!!!

LOOK OUT! ïòð

PointlessxJourney is a radioactive squirrel!!

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From Go-Quiz.com

XD I'M A SQUIRREL!!! GO ME!!!!!

PARENTAL

ADVISORY

SHINIGAMI AKUMU CONTAINS EXPLICIT LYRICS

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From Go-Quiz.com

HAHA! BAD BIG SIS!!! XDDD
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   From 8th grade ...
~ Murdered Heart ~
With everything that my eyes have seen,
this is the worst to be.
I thought I could trust you.
I thought you were innocent,
but the trial was wrong.

You hurt me in a way that can never be healed.
You hurt me in a way that can never be treated.
You deserted me for your own gain.
Beside of everything,
we used to be.

I thought you cared.
I thought you were special.
I thought you cared for me,
and thought I was special.
I came to see all was a lie.

You played with my emotions.
You played me as if a game.
You used me,
then dropped me into the trash.
Like an unwanted toy.

I name you nameless.
Since you could never be truthful to me.
Everything you ever did was nonsense.
A game.
But, isn't that what you were after?

Don't you get it now?!
You won!
You got your prize!
You only wished to murder my heart ...
You succeeded.

Happy now?
Are you happy?
Happy that all your wants and needs came true?!
But now you're through.
You're done with me ...

Go find someone new.
So they can do to you,
what you once
did,
to me.

I wrote that on Febuary 10, 2004. I remember that poem had a double meaning. It was mostly directed toward my father ... but also Sengo. God ... Sengo ... just typing his name makes me want to cry. I was so fucking naive during the time, but I couldn't help it.

Heh, I'm looking over all the poems from my poem book and I found the one entry that actually rhymned. It was so stupid. I was bored in math class and wanted to write one that rhymned.

~ With Everything ... ~
With everything comes the rain,
that soon hits the land.
Along flows the river,
with a trace of sand.

XDDD I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. I couldn't think of anything else to add to it. Then there were some that talked about how pitiful humans are. I write it in the perspective of a vampire; last year I was obsessed with them. I'll just post my favourite ones.

~ Game Over ~
Whoever said that life was fair,
you are so wrong.

Life is a game.
You are the player.

You only need one time,
and ... Game over.

Now that's fine,
if you do not wish to play.

It's your loss,
but I will not force you.

But don't blame me,
I am not the Game Master.

Go back to level one.
Oops, there you go again.

Game over.

--02/12/04

~ Irritation ~
I grow with enragement,
with every other emotion.

I try to shrug it free,
but I am constantly reminded.

Of Him,
from my dreams.

He is the perfect man,
but does not exist.

His tall, strong frame.
Broad shoulders, with his head held high.

Breathtaking eyes,
between the ocean waters and midnight sky.

His locks matching the darkness,
of my consumed heart.

When I finally reach his arms,
I feel none of his loving warmth.

Everytime I wake,
in my lonesome bed.

--03/12/04

I remember I wrote that thinking about Darien from Sailor Moon. I also remember I was still with David when I wrote it and I could of sworn I saw anger flash through his eyes when he read it.

~ Hallucinations ~
I hear their screams,
in the back of my mind.

I try to ignore them,
to drive them out.

But alas,
a fail.

For a time,
they let me live.

I was a fool,
to think it was over.

They come back,
more painful than ever.

Still,
I try to shun them out.

Pretend as if,
they were never there.

It's funny,
they never were.

--10/27/04

~ Darkness ~
Sitting in the dark,
waiting for whatever comes.
I don't know what it is,
but I know it's coming fast.

I don't bother hiding,
sitting on top of the covers.
I used to but now I don't,
fear death anymore.

Fighting in the darkness,
to overcome my fear.
The battle wages forever,
never seeming to end.

Finally, the war ceases.
Bloodshed everywhere.
My throat sore from screaming,
I am all alone now.

So now I sit in the darkness,
to overcome my fear.
I used to but now I don't,
fear death anymore.

--05/03/04

That was my favourite poem for a long time. I thought it really expressed how I thought about the world. And yes, it IS supposed to be repeating the words ... I did that on purpose.
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   Pointless rant

The sad teen. Everything in life is fuckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you ... even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex ... what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works ...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say ... and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older ... Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You know ... that is exactly right. Except ... people DON'T understand me. How can anyone understand me when I can't even understand myself? People think that they're just that perfect smart-ass who assumes they know everything there is to know about me ... they judge me before they even know my name. I hate those kind of people.

I remember, when I was in my "gothic" stage in 8th grade, I told everyone I was gothic. I acted and looked the part; the Hot Topic outfits, black nails, black eye-liner, black dyed hair (I'm a natural blonde), cutting, pushing everyone away, breaking down at school, staying to myself ... the list goes on and on. Even though that's when people hated me the most and people talked about me the most ... sometimes I wish I could go back to that. Because, I didn't make myself get hurt. People hated me, but I didn't do anything to cause it. I was by myself, alone to my thoughts where no one could reach me ... I liked that. Even if it meant I had to go back to being a cutter, if I could prevent myself from being hurt over and over, I'd do it. I already want to cut again ... I haven't for 23 days ... seems wayyy longer than that for me. It even seems longer than when I went 149 days ... Weird ...

Heh ... even with that part wrong, everything else is right. Even the future jobs are correct. Well, not the therapists. *shivers* I wish all therapists and psychologists would die. But, being an author, songwriter, or philosopher would be something I'd want to do. Of course, singing is first; but if that doesn't happen, those are my backups. Heh, how can someone as twisted at myself want to be a singer? But I do ... more than anything else in the world. To be able to sing songs that come from my soul ... that would be perfect. To sing songs like Amy Lee's. Tourniquet, Imaginary, Everybody's Fool, and Hello describe me so much. I think I'm going to listen to that CD now.

Get all depressed then work on my FMA fic. Wow, what a concept I have.
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Sunday, June 26, 2005

   Mer ...
Bleh ... damn I'm tired. I went to bed at 4:30am and woke up to mom screaming at me to walk the dogs around 10:30am. So, I got a decent sleep (more than I did for school), but I'm ready for bed again. Mer ... if my sister wasn't coming over to clean the apartment, I would just go back to sleep. *shrugs* Maybe I'll take a nap till she gets here. Though, I don't know when she's coming so that nap could be from five minutes to five hours. x.x;;;

Well, might as well work on my FMA fic then. God, only Trooper is online. Well, that's aol ... msn, there's a whooping two people on. Jesus people, it's 12:30pm! Someone get the Hell online! I'm going to freaking die from boredom.

*Shivers* I'm freezing too. I took a shower and my hair is almost dry but damnnn *shivers again* I'm wearing jeans, slippers, my pj tank top, and sweat-shirt! I should be over-heated not cold!

Damn, I wanna sleep. x.x
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Saturday, June 25, 2005

   Bleh ... the random-i-ness!
Dude! o.o I JUST updated my FMA fic like literally five minute ago and I already have a review. XD And it's 1:25 in the freaking morning! >_< DO THESE PEOPLE EVER GO TO BED?!?!?!?!?!?! x.x;;;

Well, I know I should go to bed and I'm tired, but I don't want to. I have the strongest urge to update my YYH fic, but I have NO clue on what to put in it. Because I had half of the chappie done, but then my stupid floppy disk won't open! So I had to start all over and I can't remember what I had before. ¬_¬ It was all in detail about the demon that's behind hurting Kurama in his dreams too! I was all, "@#^@#^@%#$#T^@%@#%@%@#%@%@#%!!&&*!!$#^@$!" when I realized I had to start over.

Well ... *sighs* I guess I'll force myself to go to bed. Maybe watch a little anime or a horror movie that's out On Demand first. I have another urge to watch Saw but that'd scare the shit out of me right before bed. I saw it in theaters and only two scenes scared me. Well, okay, I was freaked the whole time but I only wanted to run out twice. XDDD I remember my friend Chelsea actually left using the excuse, "I have to use the bathroom." to leave. XDDD And Maki cried that night because Squeedge kept making noises from The Grudge. I need to see that movie. Huh ... *shrugs* XDDD
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Friday, June 24, 2005

   The voicemail
God, Rick's mom was drunk when she left that message. He called and apologized like ten times. I could of sworn he was crying but since I was on my cell I couldn't quite tell. He's a foster child/adopted (I don't know which). His mom is a drunk and a druggy and yet his dad doesn't do anything! If he does one more thing, then he's gone ... that's what his mom told him.

God, next time he calls, I'm going to get information and tell my mom. She said she'll try and help him out. If he is just a foster child, the "parents" are probably just taking care of him for the money. They're making him get a job this summer too to pay for room and board! How freaking outrageous!!!

Damn, it makes me want to scream. I made him promise me he wouldn't hurt himself or do anything stupid probably five times.

I can't think about this anymore. I shouldn't even have written this entry. *sighs* Please be okay, Rick.
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   ...
God ... I am SO fucking glad I didn't answer my cell phone last night. Yesterday Rick called me a few times and for the last time I was talking to my mom so I ignored it. Apparently that time it wasn't Rick ... it was his MOTHER. I just listened to the message she left. She fucking cussed me out! Saying how Rick has snuck into her room to use the phone and he punched a wall. Okay, it is not my fucking fault that Rick wanted to call me and got pissed off at you and punched the wall. She fucking THREATENED me!!! Saying how if my number is on her phone list again, she'll talk to my mom. HELLO!!! I have NEVER called Rick on my fucking life! I tried calling him ONCE and it didn't go through because it was his old cell phone. I text him ONCE but that too was to the old cell phone. So none of those ever counted! I haven't done anything. Well, excuse me for answering my fucking phone when it rings!

Damn it! I can't even stop shaking I'm so fucking upset. My eyes sting too because I was just crying.

Sorry for swearing so much, I'm just really upset; as you can probably tell. ¬_¬

But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!! I just really want to cut right now. I won't though. I'll force myself not to. This just isn't right.
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   Sleeping
I went to bed at 9:30pm last night but was just lying on my bed with my eyes closed. I was awake the whole time, but when I looked at the clock, it was midnight. *shrugs* Weird. Well, I got up around 9:00am so I slept decent. I'm still tired but I feel better. Bleh, I need to eat something though. Last night, we were going to order pizza, but then I got really tired. My mom wouldn't let me go to bed without eating something though so I ate a cheese stick and then went to bed.

My mom's yelling at me to eat and do my chores. I can't even type right. Maybe eating will help with typing-skills. XD Then I can work on my chappie; though I'm having trouble finishing it. x.x;;;
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Thursday, June 23, 2005

   ¤ Emotionless by Good Charlotte ¤
Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you
not to tell you that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell apart

Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down,
how do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?

But we're alright,
we're alright

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
It's not okay,
but we're all right
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
but those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
And I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive

The days I spent so
cold, so hungry,
were full of hate,
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside this tatooed body
Theres things I'll take to my grave
But I'm okay,
I'm okay

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
It's not okay,
but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
Those are just a long lost memory of mine,
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
And I'm still alive

Sometimes I forgive
Yeah, and this time,
I admit,
That I miss you,
Said I miss you

It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
you broke your children for life
It's not okay,
but we're all right
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
Those are just a long lost memory of mine,
And I'm still alive

And sometimes I forgive,
and this time,
I admit
That I miss you,
I miss you,
Hey Dad.

¤

None of you know just how much this song fits me. Except for the 'little girl' being singular and the 'sons' being plural; it needs to be switched.

But ... God. I want to be mad at my father so fucking much you don't even know. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't of gone suicidal and became a cutter, I'd still be in my house, my mom would be at home, my sister would maybe just be moving out instead of four years ago, I'd still have my childhood friends, I wouldn't of been backstabbed by Pepper, Malo, and David, I wouldn't of been hurt by "Sengo" and "Jake", and I'd still have my perfect family.

But ... if it all didn't happen, I wouldn't of have those two awesome years being friends with Pepper, I wouldn't of had my first boyfriend, I wouldn't of had kick-ass friends like Maki and Chelsea, I wouldn't of met Corey or Trooper, I wouldn't of gotten into anime this much, I wouldn't of met Elena, and I wouldn't have grown as a person and still would of been a spoil brat just destined to be a bitch.

*Sighs* I hate it so much. Just like in the song, I miss having a dad and I want to forgive him ... but I want to be mad at him, and I can't! My life IS better now, even if I do live in a crappy little apartment and I tried to kill myself. It's so ironic. The one person I wish would die and burn in Hell is the one I should thank. I've always hated irony. ¬_¬

Heh, it's weird how my moods can change so quickly. I was hyper and happy all day till I just listened to that song ... now I feel like killing something ... or myself. Well, I came here to drain my thoughts out so I wouldn't be a total baka and cut. Hopefully it'll work. I cried and now my eyes sting, but that usually helps me feel better. Damn ... life fucking suck. †_†
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   Are the first two right? o.O
I was starting to get tired so I did these quizzes to keep me awake. Though I don't think it'll last much longer. ¬_¬





What Bleach Character Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.






What Gundam Wing Character Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.






What FAKE Guy Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.


*Drools* Ryo tis sexeh! ^^;;;
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