Wednesday, December 21, 2005

   It's so annoying the day changes at 9:00 ¬_¬
It's 9:11pm ((Haha)) and I'm tired but not tired. Practice today was really fun. It was cut an hour ((that's why I'm home so early)) but it was so much fun. We learned two songs and we have just one to go. We actually learned the second song start to finish today in just one hour. It sounds like something from the Nutcracker. It's all happy and bouncy and practically all we do is run. XD

Hmn, not much else today. I was in a really good mood from practice till 'bout now. I couldn't stop smiling and I was joking around with Mom. It was really nice. But that feelings just suddenly left me ... well shit.

Oh, I got to see Dad today too. I forgot to give him Darbie's food and water bowls so he came by and ended up taking me to practice as well. He apparently took her back home with him at the end of the weekend instead of leaving Darbie with Sue; I'm glad. He has to sneak around, but at least she'll be with someone she knows and is comfortable with. That's all that matters right now.

I just realized, I'm going to be bored till next week. Thursday and Saturday practices are canceled and so is the Saturday after that ((a.k.a. New Year's)). *shrugs* Oh well.

Mer, I think I'm just going to go to bed. Crap-shit, I just got the hiccups and my stomach hurts because of stupid Mother Nature. ¬_¬

*holds breath till face turns blue then passes out and dreams of Ed*
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Thursday, December 15, 2005

   Beware: major vent ((and it's still Wednesday))
Ever hear the saying, "You never know what you have till it's gone"? This is the second time that I truly understand that saying. The first time was with my parents' divorce; I lost so much ... a father included. Darbie's leaving on Friday; I don't think I'll be able to let her go. I know she'll be okay, and she's going to the vet too which she desperately needs. But, she'll be in a different state for two or more weeks ... and then with Dad not me. Whether she was with Sam, Dad, or me and Mom ... Darbie was always with our family. She was never separated from us in her nine years of life. And ... I don't see Darbie as a dog. In fact, I don't see any of my pets as 'pets'. I see them as equal beings that are my family; not things you put leashes on and command. So, to me, Darbie's almost like a daughter to me because I've been the one to take care her of her these past eight months. In the other years, she was Sam or Dad's dog; I didn't need to worry about her. But now I do, and it's going to be really hard to watch her go in two days. Heh, I'm already crying again. I was earlier ... about everything. About Darbie, Dad, Sue, Mom, lack of money, winter break ... everything. I may want break to come, but I know that Mom's dreading it. Winter break signals that Christmas is drawing near, and she doesn't have the money for presents. I already feel completely spoiled that Sam got me six and I told Mom that it doesn't matter as long as she's here; but she won't listen. Then there's Sam. She broke up with Lee again and for the last time. Now she has two jobs, an hour between them, and only five hours to sleep each night. If that isn't going to wear her out, I don't know what will. Then back to Darbie. I'm afraid. Afraid that she won't understand why she's at Sue's and think Dad and I are abandoning her there. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want her to go, but she just cannot stay here. Though, when I think about it, she's been here around eight months and we've lived ... it's been a little hard, but we've lived all the same. I complained about it the whole time how she needed to leave and now I'm getting that ... so why am I now regretting it? Though she'll go to Dad after a couple weeks, it's still going to be really hard to have her away -a state away- for Christmas. Dad could even try to pin Darbie back on us if he hasn't moved yet. Not only that, but I'm worried about not getting money from him. He thinks he has it bad, no. Mom and I don't have it horrible, but much worse off than he is. But you know what I'm upset about the most? That I can't do the one thing that calms me down. I can't cut because the stupid winter guard uniforms are sleeveless and I can't exactly wear a wrist band in the show. How fucking selfish is that?! How fucked up am I? I'm going to be so out of it because of everything till either things get better -which I doubt very much- or winter guard ends. The second option is horrible, but right now my brain is telling me it'll be okay to start again when I know it isn't. I'm so messed up it's ridiculous. I hate all of this. How can a few small things make me want to scream and slice my arm off ...?
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

   I dun wanna go to practice ... *whines*
Today was boring. I got a decent amount of sleep and yet I'm exhausted. Too bad I have to leave for practice in an hour. *dies*

Brian has become so fucking ... protective, I think is the right word to use. I've known him since seventh grade and he knows that when I'm in a bad mood to leave me alone and stuff; he knows about my Depression from eighth-nineth grade; but he didn't know I did SI till a couple weeks ago. Right before he found out, he's give me hugs and stuff; but now whenever he sees me, he gives me this ... comforting hug. Then every other day practically he'll check my arm. It's a little creepy ... and yet it makes me happy. Jesse used to do arm checks too but doesn't so much anymore. It's actually sort of funny how when Brian walks up to me, he'll automatically say, "Stop cutting!" and THEN hug me. XD I just find that a little weird but humourous. At least at the moment, nothing is really happening to trigger me. I feel so guilty for "getting rid" of Darbie on Friday, then after practice Saturday I'll be going to DiAnn's to get Sora. I feel like I'm just replacing her ... sort of like when Fuey died. TWO days after Fuey's death, we got Taima and Reene. I know I'm not replacing them, but I feel like it. I don't know, maybe it's all just in my head.

Anyway, I have to do my chores before leaving for guard.

Ja~
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Sunday, December 11, 2005

   Update ((why does it say it's Sunday? o.O))
Sorry for not updating anything interesting lately. Life has been busy for me since winter guard started. When I'm not at practice, I'm catching up on homework, doing chores, or sleeping. Practices are fun but exhausting. We're behind since two practices were canceled because of snow and we have to be able to perform on January 14th as a preview. I'm guessing it'll be at half-time for a basketball game; that's how it was last year. But damn, I'm in one of the groups that has to spin on your knees in a circle and then all the flags ((me)) throw themselves on the floor. My knees and hips hurt so much. >.< The good thing of all of this though, is that hopefully I'll become a liiiiittle but more graceful since it's mostly a ballet dance routine this year. *sweatdrops* I can dream, can't I?

Mom and I will be FINALLY getting our pitiful excuse for a Christmas tree up tomorrow. Usually, we set up decorations and get our tree ((before the divorce so we'd go to a tree farm)) the day after Thanksgiving. But we've been so busy and/or tired.

Yesterday when I went to the mall with Alyssa ((omg, I typed 'Alissa'; I can't even spell my own God damn name)), we went into Borders and I got the first volume of FMA. It's so different from the anime. I remember that what happens in the manga happened in an episode I saw but it wasn't at the beginning of the series. I don't know what one is was though because that was when I first discovered it.

Wh00t! At guard, we used the song 'Because We Can Cancan' from Moulin Rouge for an across the floors ((warm-up)) and I just downloaded it. I freaking love this song. If you listen, I forgot how many but about four songs play at once. It's awesome.

Wow, I'm really pathetic. All that's on my mind right is when I go back to school on Monday. I'm so behind on homework so that doesn't make sense ... but Tom's there so ... yeah ... >.> I had really odd dreams and Tom was in both of them. On Wednesday night, after the choir concert, I dreamt I was still there and he was the only person I could recognize. On Thursday night I dreamt that people who weren't in guard was trying to learn the routine and Tom was one of them and I had to help him learn the spins. Around two in the morning, I kept waking up and thinking, 'I have to practice!' then I would look at the clock and think 'WTF?' o.O I think that happened because Megan ((the leader-person)) said to just run through the routine in your head when you aren't doing anything. It was so strange though. When I told Alyssa about the two dreams on Friday, she just said I was obsessed. *sweatdrops* I don't even know him that well. I've talked to him prabably a grand total of five times all year and he probably only knows my name ((if he does at all)) because Alyssa is in the same class and there's like ten pairs of name twins in sixth period. Mom says he's liked me for a while because he was supposedly trying to make eye contact at Open House at the beginning of school. I think that was because Dad came and brought his "non-girlfriend" and her son so it's like I brought in the whole damn neighborhood. Tom did talk to me on Thursday and complimented me/my choir which I thought was cool; Mom says that he didn't have to say anything to me so he likes me. *sweatdrops again* I wish I could believe he likes me, but I can't. What guy would be his right mind to like a girl like me? I'm not smart -especially in that class-, I'm not pretty, not graceful by any means -I trip over myself-, I don't know when to shut my mouth, and I can be the biggest bitch on the face of the Earth. *sighs* But I do want to get to know him better ... because I don't want to be setting myself up for a let down if he turns out to be an ass, you know?

Okay, now I'm just rambling about pointless shit.

Ja~
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Wednesday, December 7, 2005

   Nahh ... ~_~
I just got back from guard practice. It was fun, and I'm not in pain this time. XD Though I have a headache.

I'm making dinner right now then I'm probably going to go to bed. I'm sooooooo tired. ~_~ At school, the only reason why I didn't fall asleep first period was because I was at a computer. >.> But in third period, I did get a nap in; thanks to SSR. XDDD

I really don't have anything else to day that much.

My mood was between wanting to be happy and wanting to shoot everyone on the fucking planet. *sweatdrops* I guess I'm still upset from last night. I've been wanting to cry all day but I haven't.

Mer ... must eat fooooooooood. @_@
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Tuesday, December 6, 2005

   Pitiful vent ...
I was watching Dr. Phil with Mom ... it's about nasty break ups and one is about a family that's broken because of the father. After thirty-one years of marriage, he gets it annuled and married another. The daughters are infuriated with him. The things he says in his defense are almost like quotes Dad would say and have said to me. It makes me disgusted. I couldn't listen to any more of it so I went online and put my headphones on. I'm listening to the Disney playlist I'm making for Mom. It's her Christmas present. She loves Disney movies and the music in them so I've been downloading songs since yesterday.

Damn, I was in an okay mood till now. I even got Dominos for dinner ... though both Mom and I know we shouldn't have with our lack of funds. Now, I just want to cry, scream, and cut. I won't cut, no matter how horrible the urge is ... my wrist is almost completely healed. Just some bits of scabs, that I ended up scratching off. I'm really close to the crying part though. I just wish Mom wasn't in the room; although my back is to her. She knows I'm upset when I type furiously; it's a habit I can't help. God, I think the only thing that would make me feel better would be to rp. There are other things I want to do, but I won't, since they're distructive. Damnit ... I can't stand how he makes me lose my nerve! I don't hear him, I don't see him ... I only need something to remind me of him before I lose it. It frustrates me so fucking much. I hate him ... I hate him so much and yet ... I still love him. I remember when he was still my father and I loved him unconditionally. How we would do father-daughter things or family events ... like go get a Christmas tree from a tree farm the day after Thanksgiving; setting it up the next day after it could dry. Then on Christmas Eve and Day, he'd videotape Sam and me opening presents and goofing around. For the past four years, he has ruined Christmas because he always picked November so start paying less.

... it hurts ... it hurts so much ...

I want to hate him with all my being ... yet I can't. I hate myself because of that.

I want nothing more than to make the pain go away. I detest being so weak ... the fact that a single person is my downfall.

That's why I'm so into rping. I daydream that my OC is truly me ... that it's me being with Ed or Envy. Them taking care of me and keeping the pain away. But those foolish dreams only bring around more anguish since they aren't real. Is it just me, or do I set myself up to be depressed? Right now I couldn't care less.

I hate every tear I've cried because of that bastard ...

... I hate every tear that tear brings ...

... I hate the hours I spend contemplating what's happened ...

... I hate reminiscing of the past ...

... I hate every sob that escapes Mom ...

... I hate every time she looks at the budget ...

... I hate every time I let her down ...

... I hate the person who imposes as my father ...

... I hate myself for being affected by it all ... and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
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Monday, December 5, 2005

   ... mer?
Today was okay. Nothing horrible happened nor special. It was just a boring Monday ... as per usual.

I just ate fifteen Hershey's kisses for some odd reason. Now they taste weird. *drinks milk* ... *blinks* Wow, I think that's the only reason why I'm not Ed's twin. >.>

I have no idea what else to put in this entry. I'm back to my blah, numb self right now I suppose.

... yeah ...
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Sunday, December 4, 2005

   ...
The tree was never put up. Sam didn't feel well so went home. I put up some flyers around the apartment ... hope that brings in some people to help.

*sighs* I'm trying to finish some homework I'm behind on ((but since I wasn't there on Friday, no one knows that >.>)) but I can't concentrate. The bio homework is pretty easy but I don't think I'll be able to do the AP World History homework. Oh, I have a english worksheet too but that's easy. Crap, I have a ASL test to make up tomorrow. I'll have to stay after school for that. Shit. KUSO!!! I'd skip it if it weren't for the fact that since I didn't go to the Silent Games ((where you interact with a deaf person)) I can't write the paper so my grade will go down more.

Ugh ... I don't understand if I'm just getting a LOT lazier ((which would be amazing considering how lazy I already am)) or what. I just don't want to do anything. I don't care about anything. I don't think about anything. I don't feel anything. I sort of feel, but not really. One minute, I'll be just fine then the next I'll want to cry. Then I'll want to sleep, then I'll want to go on the computer even though there's nothing to do. That sounds like my usual day but it's ... not. I guess you have to be here to understand. Though no one's seemed to notice. So maybe it's nothing and I'm just being my weird self only on a weirder level.

Okay, this entry probably made absolutely no sense to people.
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   Food drive
Mer ... it's past 1:00am and yet I don't want to go to bed. I should because I need the sleep so I can so some major cleaning and cramming for school; and more over because I'm bored as Hell. I'm having wayyy too much with using the Print Screen button and playing around with Paint. *rolls eyes*

I made some flyers to put up around the apartment complex about the food drive. I just wish I did this a week ago since it ends on the 13th. =/ I'll have to remember to start earlier next year. It's amazing how much my school can do for the families that have nothing and next to. We feed over one hundred local families for the holidays and give the children presents. There's this tree on the stage at school that have tags with the age of the boy or girl and what they want ... like what you see in malls sometimes. Last year, I took two tags; a boy and a girl. We don't have the money to help out that way this year, but I already turned in fifteen cans. I wish you guys could see how full the cafeteria gets with food. It's unbelieveable. Last year, I helped put all the food from my first period to the caf and I couldn't believe my eyes on the stacks upon stacks of canned food. Over I think 15,000 ... or was it 50,000. It was a five-number. *sweatdrops* Huge difference between though two but still. This is about the 44th year ... so CHS has done this for a while. I just love how involved everyone gets. The freshman don't really get it, though I was into it when I was one of them. *shrugs* It's awesome. If I can round up someone, I might try to go to Top Foods since that's just across the street and collect more food. But only if I have time ... I really do need to catch up in AP World History to bring up that grade. I'm starting to fall in ASL too. *dies*

*sighs* Why am I so restless? I haven't been able to sleep well nor concenrate on practically anything. It's been like this for a few days ... maybe because it's the end of the week. Though Mom and I are too weak to follow through with our threat to Dad.

Ow ... I'm getting this stabbing pain right where my vein is in my wrist. I haven't cut lately so ... wtf? It really hurts though. Okay ... it's not throbbing anymore. Jesus, that was really odd.

Well, I'm going to do a little more random shit online then hopefully get some sleep. Sam's coming over today to help me put up our pathetic excuse for a fake tree. If you don't believe me on just how pitiful it is, let me put it this way ... it sheds needles just as much if not more than a real tree.
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Saturday, December 3, 2005

   More random shizz >.>
Mer ... guard was canceled yet again due to snow. It's snowing again right now too. ^^

*yawns* Tis 10am and I'm tired but I'm not tired. I wanna take a shower but I dun wanna take a shower. *blinks* That makes no sense ... well, it does to me but ... yeah ... >.>

I don't really have anything else to say really ...

I'm talking to Pepp and I might IM Shadow in a minute.

Oh, why weren't you on last night, sis? o.O

Ow ... my stomach just cramped up. Shit, that hurt. >.<

Okay, I'm good now.

Damn, this has to be the most random entry I have ever done. XDDD
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