Saturday, December 3, 2005

   Unsurprising confession
The moment I woke up today ((technically yesterday)) I turned on the news to check the school reports. When it only said "limited transportation" I asked Mom if I had to go. She didn't really care so I went back to bed. Mom would probably have made me walk if I did get up. You have to remember that she's chicken-shit when it comes to driving in the snow/icy roads. So, that meant I couldn't go to the Black Light dance. It made me sad but it was my own fault.

I finally made Mom crack on what she was keeping from me about Dad. It doesn't surprise me one single bit ... only confirms once more what a sick pig he is. I can't believe I'm half him. Ugh, it makes me want to throw up. Ya'know ... I think that in the back of my mind, that was why I relapsed in 9th grade. Because I was so disgusted that I'm his child I just wanted to cut myself away ... just bleed till I was nothing. Now I want to do that again ... but I won't. As pathetic as my reason is ... I'm in winter guard now. And our costumes are sleeveless; which means I cannot wear my wrist band and my arm will show. I probably have a good month left till our first show ... maybe two months. But that's no excuse to keep cutting. I still can't believe I snapped during Thanksgiving break ... but what upsets me more is the fact that the only reason I can think of is that I was angry with Dad. What kind of idiot says that and thinks it's okay? I'm a moron.

...

*sighs*

...

Sam just texted me saying it was snowing. The world has returned to be wrapped in a blanket of pure white. Hope that doesn't mean I'm without a ride for practice.

Well, it's 12:30 so I need to get to bed. Practice starts at 8:30 so I have to get up early.

... I just wish the snow would lighten my mood a little.

Ja~
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Thursday, December 1, 2005

   The world turned white!
It started snowing at the end of lunch today. ^^ So my whole ASL class was staring out the window. Aika and I got "yelled" at because we were turned around gawking at the snow. XD The scary part, was that when class was over, I had to go to the building next door. So when I get inside, Brian comes up and comments how there's snow all over me, but it looks good with the water dropets on my hair. @_@ I'm thinking "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" but just give him a weird look. He gave me a lecture about SI too. >.> In one of the forwards he sent me was a survey thingy and one thing was bad habits so I put SI. Yeah, bad move I suppose. *shrugs* Oh well, at least that means I have someone who cares if I get hurt.

I think I impressed Ms. Crews today in english. XD We're starting an essay for Lord of the Flies where we pick a character or object and write about what it symbolizes. I didn't want to pick anything that was on the list since most people would do that, and I got an idea. I'd do TWO things. Ralph and Jack, how they clash with each other as ying and yang; the good and evil in the world. I asked her if that was okay, and she really liked it. Maki said I'm an over-achiever when it comes to writing. XDDD I guess she's right.

I got to talk to Tom a little bit in sixth period ... okay, more like listen to him talk and comment like twice. x.x;;; Since we had a sub, I moved to sit next to Alyssa while we "worked" on an assignment. Okay, we were really joking around with Ashley and everyone in that little corner of the room. I was closer to Tom too so *sweatdrops* that was a plus I guess. He joined in on our joking so it was fun. We were so weird during that period but I am weird so that was nothing new. XDDD

I walked home in the snow! Yayness! Okay, the only bad part, was that I slipped and almost fell when I was going down the hill. x.x;;; Note to self: GO LONG WAY WHEN IT SNOWS!!!!!!!

Mer ... it's almost 3:30 so I have 'bout an hour and a half left to mess around. It's still snowing out there. Everything is in a nice light layer of white ... well, except for the sidewalks and streets.

You know what I found out last night? The stupid Epic company ((that owns my apartments)) are having most of the grass area in front PAVED so that stupid POLES and WIRES can be put there. So also we can make more PARKING so we can charge for the stupid covered parking. The covered parking is a piece of shit! The garages are the only decent parking we have! I told Mom that if that does happy, which it looks VERY likely, we're moving. I do NOT want to live in a place, as Mom called it, a Johnson Motel. Not to mention that T.J. is being all giddy about trapping the feral cats. The traps are humane but what worries me is what's going to happen to them after they are caught. I'm hoping that they won't go in the cages and just stay away from here. The Wet Lands aren't even our property!!! That pisses me off so fucking much. I understand that the residents are compaining and because they are reproducing, there will EVENTUALLY be a problem ... but the idea of trapping them doesn't sit with me well.

Okay, I'm done ranting and whatnot.

I'm surprised I'm not too tired after only getting less than three hours of sleep ... *shrugs*

EDIT ::: Whelp, guard was canceled tonight due to snow. Damn, I wish I still had Kim's number so I could ask for Danielle's. She's going to end up going to school and have it be deserted. I feel so awful. I knew I should have asked for her number just in case!!!!!!! x.x
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

   Random shizz
I am so fucking sore. >.>

My back and legs hurt sooooooo badly. I even put a heating pad on my back. *sweatdrops* Though I keep putting my hand on my back to hold it closer. I feel like those old people with the walker and their hands constantly on their backs. x.x;;;

Anyway, I stayed home today because I felt like shit. I shouldn't have, but *shrugs* I really don't care right now. Though I missed probably the end of the movie we're watching in enlgish. We finished reading Lord of the Flies so we started watching the rated R version of it. It doesn't follow the book at all and the characters don't look like the description either. It's hilarious to watch though. XD

I'm huuuuuungryyyyyyyy ... I'm out of pop too. Damn. Well, I have another twelve-case in Mom's car. XDDD I just don't want to go get it. I can't really move my back so I wouldn't be able to pick it up out of the trunk. @_@

Mer, well I guess I'm done rambling. *sweatdrops*
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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

   After school update
Mer ... I'm so tired. Why am I always so damn tired on winter guard practices?! -___-

Anyway, today was okay I guess. The snow's all gone which makes me sad but it'll be back soon. ^^

This week is going to be really busy for me.

Today: Winter guard practice.
Wednesday: Catch up on homework and maybe do Thursday's AP World History reading.
Thursday: Winter gaurd practice.
Friday: Silent games night ((ASL thing)) and black light dance.
Saturday: Winter guard practice.

Aaahh ... @_@ Too many thiiiiings. ~_~ But there's not way I'm missing the black light dance. That's my favourite one!

I had yet another fight with Mom last night. It was about the "thing" with Dad. Only sis knows what I'm talking about ... but she still refuses to tell me. Later, when she was going to bed she didn't say anything to me. When I realized she was ignoring me, I just mumbled, "Good night to you too." in a rather sarcastic tone. She just thought I was picking a fight with her again about earlier.

I'm so tired of fighting with Mom about Dad and fighting with Dad about Darbie and the money. Especially when after I think about it, I really shouldn't be involved at all. I'm still the child in this family, I shouldn't be fighting any battles. This is all between my parents ... but somehow back six years ago I got tangled into it.

*sighs* Anyway, I should get started on my homework before I gotta go. Only 'bout two hours before I have to leave.

Ja~
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Sunday, November 27, 2005

   La lala la la
Omg, it snowed last night. I was so happy this morning. *tis two o'clock* Only a little stuck -like on roofs, trees, and untouched lawns- but now it's all melted away. Still, that's not the point. It NEVER snows before Christmas. Hell, it never snows before New Year! The fact that it snowed BEFORE December makes me so ecstatic!!!

Funny though ... I was a lot more happier about it when I got up to walk the dogs. I went back to sleep and just got back up. I'm not too excited about it anymore. It's like ... it's pointless to be so happy about such a small thing, when I have other things that are huge to worry about. It sounds odd, I know ... but you have to remember that I'm not your average random person.

*Sighs* So, right now I'm listening to Kenny Loggins' 'December' CD. I adore 'Walking in the Air' is anyone has heard it. Right now, 'The Bells of Christmas' is playing; Sam's favourite. I love it too ... but for some strange reason it only makes me think of my life before my parents divorced. Back when I had a father, I guess. Which then makes me think of all the shit we went through afterwords and now I'm on the verge of crying.

Good, that song ended. Now it's 'Coventry Carol' ... sooooo pretty. The lyrics are I think religious, but I merely ignore that part of the meaning. XD

Mer ... I have an hour and a half tell Mom gets off work but I don't want to dust. Damn, I got lazy- ... erm ... lazier over the short break. Wonder what Winter Break will do to me. x.x;;;;;;;
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Friday, November 25, 2005

   ...
Dad called ... we had yet another fight over Darbie. I told him that if he didn't do something within the next week, he's taking her to the pound ((notice how I said HE is)). He response was that he couldn't do anything in a week. Yes, he can; he just choses not to. He also could have given us more than $200 for this month ((yeah, that was for November; VERY late)), but again he chose not to. His job does not pay that shitty. That would be less than minimun wage, which would be illegal. He gave us $700 during unemployment, so how the Hell does he give us $500 less? Especially when he only has to be HALF of everything since he has a roomate. Mom and I think he's putting money into his 401K and taking his non-girlfriend out too much. The whole thing pisses me off so much, and I just cannot take it anymore. I already said in my last post how Darbie peed on the kitchen rug, which is a pain in the fucking ass to clean.

God ... I just looked over at Darbie sleeping in the bathroom and instantly started crying. During the phone conversation, Dad tried multiple times to get out of the situation but I caught him. The last thing I said was "She's your responsibility, so think of something." and then I hung up right as I broke down. I can't stand the thought of Boo Bear being put to sleep. Brandy -a dog we used to have- was put down too, but she was 19 in human years, blind, deaf, and couldn't keep her food down. It would have been so cruel to keep her alive; though I still hate the idea. But Darbie still has a chance to get healthy and live ... Mom and I just don't have the money for it. If Dad just took those two stupid credit cards he stuck Mom with, maybe we'd be able to take her to the vet. The bill for those cards are like $300 and it only pays off about $5. The rest is all interest. Not to mention, that if Dad didn't wait so God damn long to split his 401K when they broke up, we would probably still have some money. But of course he had to wait till after the stock market crashed ... the dumbass. We lost I think like $50,000 because of that.

Jesus ... Dad screwed up on so much shit it's ridiculous. I know that Mom and I aren't horribly off, I realize that. But there are so many things we need to get but cannot ... like fix Mom's car, or get a new vacuum and shampooer, Mom needs to go to the hospital to take another biopsy, Darbie needs to go to the vet ... the list goes on. Even things like Christmas presents, which Mom keeps making a huge deal of.

So much for having a good holiday; though I got a real sense of thankfulness. That Mom's still here and not sick, Sam could get off work to come for a couple hours, that Darbie is still with us along with Jazzie, Taima, and Reene ... that we could even have a Thanksgiving dinner.

It amazes me how little he has to do to bring me down so fucking much. I'm so tired of his shit. I'm so fed up with it ... I suppose that's why I almost smile when Mom said she was going to take him to court if he does nothing by next week.

¤

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson ((when I first saw the music video for this song, I completely broke down ... because I still hear my parents fighting in the back of my mind ...))

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you
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Thursday, November 24, 2005

   Happy Thanksgiving everyone
Well, today was okay. I made cranberry sauce last night and made a e-mail to everyone that I had addresses for. Then I played Sims for a while and ended up going to bed around 2:30am. I slept almost all day today; till Sam got here around 2:30p ((ironic, ne?)). We had turkey ((except Sam)), mashed potates, cresent rolls, and then Mom and Sam also had cranberry sauce and vegetables. After that Mom fell asleep on the sofa for a little bit while Sam and I cleaned up. And of course it just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Sam complaining the entire time cleaning the turkey pan. XDDD She's my sister and a vegetarian for those of you that don't know ((that is if anyone else besides sis reads this)). We started t play Mental Floss -a board game- when I got up and stepped on the kitchen rug and something literally splashed. Yep, Darbie had done it again; and it's a pain in the ass to clean. So I cleaned that ((and my foot x.x;;;)) then continued playing. One of the questions cracked us up so much we couldn't stop laughing. Now that I read it, it's not that funny but Sam and Mom were tired and I laugh at pretty much anything because I'm just a baka like that. *sweatdrops*

A part of the game is you read two scenarios and try to "Spot the Big Fat Lie."

A. When the movie muscial "Grease" came out in Mexico, it was releases under the name "Vaselina."
B. When the James Bond movie "Dr. No" was released in Spain, it was confusingly mistranslated as "Thank You, But We Already Have Two Doctors on Hand."

Hopefully, you knew that B was the "Bit Fat Lie." Just that title had us laughing for a while. XDDD My family is so weird.

Right now, Sam left for take a twenty-minute nap ((yeah right)) and then to go work ((she works grave-yard again)) while Mom is taking a nap on the couch ... though both of us know she won't go to bed till at least midnight now. *tis not even seven yet*

Well, I have to walk the dogs, even though both went pee. *rolls eyes* I'm really getting sick and tired of this. I'm probably going to call Dad tomorrow and just let him know that if he doesn't do anything about Darbie within a week, HE will have to take her to the pound; because Mom, Sam, and I refuse to take her there. We will NOT be responsible for her fate there. We've done all we could, and now it'd his turn.
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   Wh00t!


Wh00t! I got an egg maaaan!!! Wonder what'll hatch. *waits*
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   Thankfulness maaaan!!!
Do doo do do. It's 10:30pm and sis hasn't come online. Wahh ... *sighs* oh well. I guess I'll have to talk to her on Friday.

I'm bored so I'll put what was on the notecard from english ((see last post)). There are some typos but I want to put it exactly how it was written.

× I appreciate how great a friend you are! DiAnn Garland ((who is also Maki btw))

× I think it's cool that you have a great sence of humer - Logan ((I can't read his last name and he's can't spell worth crap obviously x.x;;;))

× I appreciate that your not negative toward people (Paul)

× How nice you are to me ((sadly I cannot read the name ;O;))

× You have always been their (Kim) ((it's sad how she used the wrong 'there/their' x.x))

× Thank you for notmaking fun of me ((again, cannot read the name))

× I like how your nice to me. Camden

× You seem like a super nice person, even thugh we've never really talked we should change that have an awesome break. Kallie Wallace

× You're a great writer! I also like how I an count on you to be mature in this class. =) Mrs. Crews ((my english teacher <3))

× Good writer - Chris Wilson

× You are really kind and tried to get me to have fun. Thanks for helping me at practice. -Danielle ((she means during winter guard yesterday))

× Thanks for helping in my word and being nice. Lezlie

× Thanks for keeping me in line, even though you don't like me very much. Clint ((*sighs* Clint is a strange one. He tries to 'molet' Kevin daily and refuses to sit down for the first, oh, twenty minutes of class. Which is only about half. *rolls eyes*))

So yeah. That was what was on my notecard from english. That was sort of fun. It made me feel nice to know that people think I'm nice when not that many people in that class actually know me. ^^

Well, I have nothing else to really say. I wanted to play Mom's Sims Online but you have to pay for it *cries* so I can't. I could have sworn we had the orignal game because I remember trying to play it before and I wasn't online. But I can't find it now. Wahh ... sadness man. D=
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

   Random shizz
Today was boring and went really slow for a half-day. =_= We didn't have reading or lunch so all the period were only deducted about five to ten minutes. In english, we wrote our names on a notecard then put it in a basket. Then everyone took one and wrote something they were thankful for about that person. We did that all period and I think I got about ten people. When I read them, I felt really happy, because everyone who wrote something thought I was a nice person. ^^ But then in AP World History, that happy feeling was completely taken away. I couldn't think of anything to write for the essay we did. I didn't even turn it in. Alyssa yelled at me for that, but I had literally NOTHING to put down. I spent the class time writing random thoughts to myself on how I'm going to shape up and do the reading the take good notes from now on. *sighs*

This week we got our quarter report cards and I wasn't planning on showing Mom, but I forgot they mailed them home ... so she saw it. -__- Which means she knows I'm failing History. The rest of my grades are okay, I suppose. For being damn lazy so far this year, they're good.

Congitive Algebra: A
Exceeds standards, expectations

Vocal Ensemble: B+

Biology: C-

American Sign Language: C-

English 2: C
Student is polite/respectful

AP World History: F

GPA: 2.1167

*Sighs* So, not wonderful by any means ... but I'm satisfied with my algebra grade. ^^ Maybe later I'll put what was on my notecard.

My friend Chelsea is moving this weekend ... to Idaho. Today was her last day at Cascade. I tried not to think about it, it was a little easier when she wandered off somewhere. I'm going to miss her, even though we didn't talk much. I knew her since 7th grade. Her and Maki became more as friends in 8th grade though. She's going to SakuraCon and I reeeeeeeally want to go, but I don't have the money. Mom barely has the money to pay for Winter Guard. We're getting new flags ((finally!)) and uniforms which is $70. We got Dad's check ... two hundred. What a freaking ass. ¬_¬ That pisses me off so much. Mom's been constantly yelling at herself because she doesn't have the money for Christmas. I keep telling her that it's okay, and that Sam and I don't need a lot of presents. But since the family's used to getting us like twenty presents each ((we were so spoiled >.>)) Mom feels guilty about getting us I think like five last year. That doesn't matter. Sure, I'd love to have more things, but it's not needed. The only things on my list are FMA stuff anyway. @_@ I heard somewhere that the FMA movie would be out with subtitles by December or January, but I doubt that'll happen. That would have been awesome though.

Strange, I sort of feel like crying again. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just everything that's going on. With each passing day, Mom and I become more and more positive of Darbie's fate ... and I despise it. But with everything going on, I haven't felt the urge to cut. I'm surprised with myself but also pleased. At least something's going right.

Nothing much else to write. I need to go make the cranberry sauce anyway. I never eat it, but I've always been the one to make it since I was probably five ((with Mom's supervision of course till now)).

Oh wh00t! Sam just called and said she'll be over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Coolies. ^^
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