Monday, September 5, 2005

   Naaaahh ... ~_~
God damn it I'm tired. It's fifteen till seven and I want to go to bed already! *dies*

Today was uneventful ... as usual. I read fanfics, watched a movie, ate ice cream ((XD)), listened to music, continued with my writer's block, and did some chores. Whoop-dee-fuckin'-do, ne?

Well, tomorrow's my last day of freedom. *cries*

I'm going to bed now ... maybe it'll help my body go back to school sleep schedule. Hopefully it will. I'm so excited for Wednesday but also dreading it.

Naaah ... ~_~

*passes out and dreams of Ed*
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   Um ... uh ... boo? x.x;;;
Blah ... not much to talk about. It's only 12:30pm but I can't believe I've been awake and out of been since 7:30am. O.O I am so going to be dead not even after a week of school.

Heh, what can I say? I've never been a morning person.

GAH!!! x.x I've been working on a new FMA story but I'm stuck ... in the middle of a lime scene. -__-;;; Can I get anymore pathetic?

Wahh ... I miss rping! *blinks* Even though it's only been like two days ... I think ... BUT STILL!!! *comically cries*

Mer ...

It's weird having Mom home on a Monday ((I'm trying my best not to think about the doctor stuff)). Well, since it's Labour Day the office is closed. You know what she's been saying to me all morning? "Take out the trash ... scrub the hot dog pan ... empty the dish washer ... brush the animals ... clean your room ... get your backpack set up ((it has been for like a week ¬_¬)) ... get your clothes all clean for school ... blah blah blah blah BLAH!!!!!!!" *screams* I love Mom, but when she saying nothing but chores, I start to get just a liiiittle bit irritated!

Gah ... maybe I'll go watch Raise Your Voice and tape it for Sam. I know it has Hilary Duff in it *twitches* but the music is good and hey, I'M A SINGER REMEMEBER!!! The beginning is really sad though. *sweatdrops*

Yeah ... I'm going now. -__-;;;
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Sunday, September 4, 2005

   ... Mom ...
I don't know what to do. Mom is really starting to scare me. She's been getting tests done for something and apparently she failed the first one but passed the second one. I have no idea what that means though. Sometime this month she's going to the hospital for another biopsy.

The doctors are checking for cancer. Mom said about ten years ago her and my Aunt Judy ((but not her sister)) had a "cancer-scare" but it turned out to be nothing. Now we're not so sure.

I know I shouldn't have ... but I read the e-mail Mom sent to my Uncle Steve ((her brother)). She was apologizing for the late birthday card and ... then asking if Aunt Judy was still going to keep to her word. Aunt Judy promised that if anything happened to Mom, she'd take me in before I had to live with Dad. For some reason, she's always hated him ... good sense of character if you ask me.

But what I'm scared of, is what they'll say back ... and what the test results will be. I don't think I'd be able to handle it if Mom had cancer.

I'm trying to make myself believe it's just nothing. That Mom is just getting old ((she's turning fifty-five this month)) ... but now I'm just being paranoid.

God damn it ... I don't know. I'm in-between crying and having a mental breakdown.

It's most likely nothing ... but what if it is something?
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Friday, September 2, 2005

   Boring day
Billie called again today. ¬_¬ It's really starting to annoy me.

Mom doesn't know what's going on with T.J. tonight. He hasn't called her at all or anything and she refuses to call him to ask because she "asked him out" ((we don't know if it's a date or not)). So yeah. Mom already has a backup plan if he bails on her. The whole thing seems silly to me.

Sam might come over later. She's been bored to death all day. Lee lost his job for a reason none of us are sure about but got a new one. He now works for Nintendo. *rolls eyes* That's a dream come true for him. He tests the games ... and his brother works there too. I don't know what his job is though.

I haven't really done anything all day. I went to bed at 2:30am and woke up at 6:30am. I just laid there till 9:30am then did my morning chores.

Last night was weird. I was talking to my old friend, Manda ((not the Amanda here)) and her boyfriend snuck into her house. I found out that I know him! It's Michael! That scared the shit out of me. She was calling him Mikey *snickers* and then he started talking to me. I flipped out. Manda goes to Mariner and Michael goes to my school, Cascade so I thought that was really weird! The schools are in different districts too; Mariner in Mukilteo ((my old district *cries*)) and Cacade in Everett.

Do doo do do ... I have no clue what else to talk about. I feel a lot better from yesterday, though I'm always beating myself up mentally like that.

I guess I'll just go to gaiaonline.com or something till Elena gets online.

Wh00t! Five more days till school starts!~ ^o^
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Thursday, September 1, 2005

   Fuck
Well, to make me feel even better ((not)) I just had an argument on the phone with Dad about the payments. I ended up hanging up on him. Now I just feel super!

That was major sarcasm by the way.
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   Warning -- huge stupid and pointless rant
Mom has a date with T.J. tomorrow. I'm really excited for her. Well, we're not sure if it's a date or not ... but he said he'd pay for her. Maybe it's just because he knows Dad's screwing us over again. But anyway, she finally got the nerve to ask him out "to talk other than the phone" so ... we'll see how that goes.

I'm really happy that Mom found someone she likes ... but I'm also a little depressed about it. She found her guy ... Sam already has hers ... so where's mine?

I realize that I'm only fifteen. God damn ... that's all I hear whenever this topic is brought up. Oh, don't worry! You have years to find that special someone! Well, I'm tired of waiting! I've always kind of thought that meant I was older in my mind; but maybe I'm just being stupid.

What's even more stupid and idiotic ... is that did find my guy. But it's never going to happen. Yep ... Ed. People would probably either say I was a rapid fan-girl or I was insane ... or both. But seriously ... he is the perfect guy in my eyes. To others, he might just be a short, annoying blonde; well then I am too.

For a while, I felt this way about Kurama too. But now that I think about it, I'd get annoyed with how proper and polite he is all the time. Ed is so much different than a lot of characters. His personality is unique; you will never find another anime character or a real person like him.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if I truly am insane. I mean, you don't exactly meet a lot of people that are in love with a fictional character.

Now I don't even know if school will be a good thing or not. I thought that maybe it would help me get my mind off of this and not be bored while Elena's at school. I've always liked school so I'm always excited. But ... then my mind wanders to Billie, Marlo, David ... and Raven. I remember all the times we went through together. If it wasn't for Billie and Marlo, I probably would be dead or in a mental hospital right now. I just don't see how we can go through all that shit and then have them backstab me like that! They were plotting against me all 9th grade ... so we were real friends for two years? Or was that a fake too? I was "friends" with Billie since the beginning of 7th grade and Marlo and David since 8th. If they stayed with me through the Hell 8th grade was ... then I thought they were real friends. I guess that shows how naive I am. I knew it was going to be an odd friendship with Billie because we would fight and not speak for weeks. Then make-up and be best of friends again. But the things we fought about were huge. Most of the time, she started; though I did a few times. I'm not putting the blame entirely on her. But I forgave her each and every fucking time, or I apologized. Even when we had Tami split us up twice ((which now I think maybe Billie did all on her own)), after we did awful things to each other, I said sorry and forgave her. Great, now I sound like a selfish bitch. I can't believe myself sometimes.

I try to be a good person, but all I end up doing, is making matters worse. Mom keeps telling me that I never did anything to them. That Raven was jealous of me. What the fuck is there to be jealous about?! I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not skinny, I've been told I have no sense of humour ((though sarcasm is my middle name thanks to Mom)) and that I take things way too seriously and that I'm melo-dramatic since I blow small things into huge things ... damn the list goes on and on. I realize I have flaws. My biggest one being that I vent too much. I never want anyone to pity me, but sometimes I need to vent and that makes people think that I'm trying to make them sympathize me. That's not it at all! If I don't vent, then it stays bottled up and I snap; but then sometimes I can't make myself stop. Basically like this entry. But I'm getting everything out.

All of this is rushing through my mind right now. From being happy for Mom, to Ed, to Billie, to my flaws ... it's all there. I'm constantly thinking about this shit; I don't think there's a moment where I'm thinking of only one thing.

Another thing occurred to me ... what if they try to do this shit to me again this year? Am I going to be running to the bathroom at lunch to cut myself and hide from them? Because that's what I ended up doing last year. I can only hope that I won't have their lunch. Or more ... a class with them. I could have algebra with Billie ... or english or biology. Thankfully I think that's the only classes. I know they won't be in Symphonic Choir, I hope they won't be taking an AP class ... that leaves sign language. Billie, Collin, or Sean could be in that class. Damn it ... now I just feel like crawling into a ditch to die and rot away. I hope ((notice I never say 'pray')) that a guy like Ed would come along and save me from all this ... but like that's going to happen. Besides, what I'm going through is nothing compared to the people in New Orleans and everything. If I lived there, had this shit going on, and lost my house in the hurricane, then maybe I'd have something to complain about.

That's another one of my flaws ... I'm too fucking selfish. It makes me think of the one question, if I could have one wish, what would it be? I instantly think of Ed becoming a real person; but that would only make me happy. While the other 1,000-trillion ((or however many)) people on earth would still be unhappy. I could wish to have Mom be happy ... or to have Elena's dad out of jail ... or world peace or something! But no, of course I think of my own selfish wants first.

Wow, this entry went all over the place. That just proves how much is going on in my mind all at once. Gomen-nasai minna ... I didn't mean to bore you all with my stupid and idiotic vent.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

   ...
I. Am. PISSED!!!!!

Okay, Dad's supposed to be paying us $1,300.

For about a year he's been paying $1,200; it's supposed to go down to that in October.

Because he lost his job, he's been giving us $900 for a couple months.

He's over $4,000 in debt on his payments to us.

You know how much we got in the check today?

... $600 ...

Now, I feel really guilty asking Mom to get me the DVDs and getting Red Robin the other night and going to see a movie.

The bastard ... now Mom doesn't have enough money to pay the bills. ¬_¬
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   Fire alarms and odd dogs o.O
O ... kee. That was interesting. They're doing fire alarm checks so there's this rather high pitched screech every few seconds. I think they're finally done but Jazz is still running around all weird. I had to cover her ears AND Darbie's at the same time. *sweatdrops* So I held down Jazzie with my legs and covered her ears with one hand and then held down Darbie with my other arm and covered her ears with that hand. It wasn't easy. Plus, Mom was on the phone with her crush ((a.k.a. T.J.)) the whole time.

After that Mom was getting ready to go and Jazz was running back and forth by the leashes. She knows that whenever the fire alarm goes off we get her leash on and get the Hell out. When Mom opened the door to go back to work, Jazzie just ran out. I thought it was hilarious; sadly Mom didn't think it was so much and glared at me. XD

Well, Darbie's all calm down but Jazz ... well ... she's a different story. ^^;;;

EDIT ::: Okee, well ... they're not done testing the alarms. I'm really starting to get annoyed and the dogs are starting to freak out again. I tried taking them out onto the deck and closing the sliding door, but it only muffled it a little. Maybe I should take them outside. But that's not fair to Taima and Reene. I guess I just have to hope that they're finish soon. Awh, Jazzie's pawing at my leg. =/
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   *Bored*
Not much to say. I went to bed at 11:00pm if you can believe it. But, I woke up exactly at 5:20am then I couldn't fall back asleep. So I was half-asleep till 7:30am. Did my morning chores and for once had breakfast; two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch! XD Yeah, while I was eating, I watched two episodes of Magic School Bus. XDDD I miss watching that show! x.x;;;

Well yeah ... so I took a shower and now I don't feel gross.

Billie called ... TWICE!!! I am going to go fucking insane if she doesn't leave me alone. If/when she talks to me at school, I'm only going to say two things to her: "Fuck off."

Mom came home for lunch break and brought food. *runs for the onion rings*
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

   ...
*Sighs*

Billie called twice while I was walking the dogs. It makes me want to scream. I don't understand why she won't leave me alone! Marlo said she wanted to get the group back together. David texting my cell phone apologizing a couple weeks ago.

I just ended up venting to my mom for like a half hour of me straight talking. I just don't get it! If they were such good friends, then why did they want me to get beat up by Raven?! Then they want to pretend that nothing ever happened?! I know exs don't mix well, but David and I were just fine after we broke up ((which I noticed today was just about one year ago precisely)).

Damnit all ... maybe I should call Billie back. Heh, she'd get one Hell of an ear-full. I'm in no fucking mood to put up with this shit ((thanks to Mother-nature ¬_¬)).

Now I want to cut ... fuck. No, I won't. I'll just see if sis will be online ((I haven't talked to her in two days again)) and maybe eat something.

... maybe school won't be a good thing ...
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