Thursday, July 14, 2005

   Odd rant
This entry is a little weird. Last night was just plain weird for me so my thoughts are a little odd.

Last night was so weird ... it really confused me.

It started out as a average day. But when my mom and I were talking about dinner, I brought up the fact that I had $24 so we could get pizza. I got out the coupons and she found one for Dominos. But the pizza was for a one topping so I asked if we could just pay like one dollar more because I wanted double cheese and pepperoni. She said she didn't have enough money and she wanted chicken so the other coupons wouldn't work. So she started looking at Pizza Hut coupons but I said I really didn't want that. So she said to wait till she could do the budget and have pizza another day. I said okay and went to my room. For some reason, I was infuriated and I didn't understand why.

That was around 8:00pm so I just thought I'd go to bed early, but I wasn't all that tired. So I started to play DDR. I wanted to get back into doing things and get back into shape. Before I knew it, I was playing it for two hours straight; and I was doing hard songs the whole time.

My mom came in and said to come eat. I thought, 'It's almost 10:00pm, a little late for dinner.' and asked her what she made. She said french toast. That was weird ... though we sometimes made breakfast for dinner occasionally. But, I really didn't want to eat so I walked back to my room calling to my mom saying I wasn't hungry. She kept saying for me to eat and I kept answering that I wasn't hungry. That I lost my appetite after the pizza thing didn't work. For the most part, that was true. I didn't want to eat ... but a little part was to piss her off. I don't know why.

Then she just said she didn't know how I got into that way in 8th grade, so how would she know if I was going back into it again. What she meant was, getting depressed and going suicidal. That confused the Hell out of me. I thought, 'So ... I'm not hungry anymore and that puts me a risk for killing myself again?' It didn't make any sense to me whatsoever. I ended up going to my room and crying. I can't stand it that my mom thinks I'm going back to that when I'm perfectly fine. She didn't even see my arm from 4th of July that I know of. But God damn ... I wanted to cut so badly. Usually, that wouldn't upset me, but it did. It just set me off. I just wanted to grab a razor and go at it till I died.

The whole thing just pissed me off ... because that meant that my mom couldn't trust me. And I don't know if anyone remembers the entry I did in June ... but in Holocaust class we wrote a letter to ourselves with a goal. Mine was to re-gain my mom's trust. Heh ... looks like I'm doing just a fucking swell job.

¤

Ataris - 'My Reply'

I got your letter and the poetry you sent me
Postmarked in December of last year
I really hope you're doing better
All your friends close by your side
One step closer to recovery

I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page
You've been through
Even though it's not my place to save you

I appreciate but can't accept this thank you note
That's sealed with your last breath
And I won't stand aside
And listen to you give up

If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
Just hold on/ just hold on
If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
Just hold on/ just hold on

These arms remain stretched out to you
Maybe someday you'll accept them
Maybe it's too late to save a young girl's heart that slowly stopped beating
(maybe)

Wake up wake up you've gotta believe
Wake up wake up
You can't give up time keeps going on without us
Long after we're dead and gone

I wish there was something I could say
To erase each and every page
You've been through
Even though it's not my place to save you

I appreciate but can't accept this thank you note
That's sealed with your last breath
And I won't stand aside
And listen to you give up
If you'll just hold on for one more second

Just hold on to what you have
Just hold on/ just hold on
If you'll just hold on for one more second
Just hold on to what you have
Just hold on/ just hold on
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