Thursday, September 1, 2005

   Warning -- huge stupid and pointless rant
Mom has a date with T.J. tomorrow. I'm really excited for her. Well, we're not sure if it's a date or not ... but he said he'd pay for her. Maybe it's just because he knows Dad's screwing us over again. But anyway, she finally got the nerve to ask him out "to talk other than the phone" so ... we'll see how that goes.

I'm really happy that Mom found someone she likes ... but I'm also a little depressed about it. She found her guy ... Sam already has hers ... so where's mine?

I realize that I'm only fifteen. God damn ... that's all I hear whenever this topic is brought up. Oh, don't worry! You have years to find that special someone! Well, I'm tired of waiting! I've always kind of thought that meant I was older in my mind; but maybe I'm just being stupid.

What's even more stupid and idiotic ... is that did find my guy. But it's never going to happen. Yep ... Ed. People would probably either say I was a rapid fan-girl or I was insane ... or both. But seriously ... he is the perfect guy in my eyes. To others, he might just be a short, annoying blonde; well then I am too.

For a while, I felt this way about Kurama too. But now that I think about it, I'd get annoyed with how proper and polite he is all the time. Ed is so much different than a lot of characters. His personality is unique; you will never find another anime character or a real person like him.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder if I truly am insane. I mean, you don't exactly meet a lot of people that are in love with a fictional character.

Now I don't even know if school will be a good thing or not. I thought that maybe it would help me get my mind off of this and not be bored while Elena's at school. I've always liked school so I'm always excited. But ... then my mind wanders to Billie, Marlo, David ... and Raven. I remember all the times we went through together. If it wasn't for Billie and Marlo, I probably would be dead or in a mental hospital right now. I just don't see how we can go through all that shit and then have them backstab me like that! They were plotting against me all 9th grade ... so we were real friends for two years? Or was that a fake too? I was "friends" with Billie since the beginning of 7th grade and Marlo and David since 8th. If they stayed with me through the Hell 8th grade was ... then I thought they were real friends. I guess that shows how naive I am. I knew it was going to be an odd friendship with Billie because we would fight and not speak for weeks. Then make-up and be best of friends again. But the things we fought about were huge. Most of the time, she started; though I did a few times. I'm not putting the blame entirely on her. But I forgave her each and every fucking time, or I apologized. Even when we had Tami split us up twice ((which now I think maybe Billie did all on her own)), after we did awful things to each other, I said sorry and forgave her. Great, now I sound like a selfish bitch. I can't believe myself sometimes.

I try to be a good person, but all I end up doing, is making matters worse. Mom keeps telling me that I never did anything to them. That Raven was jealous of me. What the fuck is there to be jealous about?! I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not skinny, I've been told I have no sense of humour ((though sarcasm is my middle name thanks to Mom)) and that I take things way too seriously and that I'm melo-dramatic since I blow small things into huge things ... damn the list goes on and on. I realize I have flaws. My biggest one being that I vent too much. I never want anyone to pity me, but sometimes I need to vent and that makes people think that I'm trying to make them sympathize me. That's not it at all! If I don't vent, then it stays bottled up and I snap; but then sometimes I can't make myself stop. Basically like this entry. But I'm getting everything out.

All of this is rushing through my mind right now. From being happy for Mom, to Ed, to Billie, to my flaws ... it's all there. I'm constantly thinking about this shit; I don't think there's a moment where I'm thinking of only one thing.

Another thing occurred to me ... what if they try to do this shit to me again this year? Am I going to be running to the bathroom at lunch to cut myself and hide from them? Because that's what I ended up doing last year. I can only hope that I won't have their lunch. Or more ... a class with them. I could have algebra with Billie ... or english or biology. Thankfully I think that's the only classes. I know they won't be in Symphonic Choir, I hope they won't be taking an AP class ... that leaves sign language. Billie, Collin, or Sean could be in that class. Damn it ... now I just feel like crawling into a ditch to die and rot away. I hope ((notice I never say 'pray')) that a guy like Ed would come along and save me from all this ... but like that's going to happen. Besides, what I'm going through is nothing compared to the people in New Orleans and everything. If I lived there, had this shit going on, and lost my house in the hurricane, then maybe I'd have something to complain about.

That's another one of my flaws ... I'm too fucking selfish. It makes me think of the one question, if I could have one wish, what would it be? I instantly think of Ed becoming a real person; but that would only make me happy. While the other 1,000-trillion ((or however many)) people on earth would still be unhappy. I could wish to have Mom be happy ... or to have Elena's dad out of jail ... or world peace or something! But no, of course I think of my own selfish wants first.

Wow, this entry went all over the place. That just proves how much is going on in my mind all at once. Gomen-nasai minna ... I didn't mean to bore you all with my stupid and idiotic vent.
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