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Friday, November 25, 2005


   ...
Dad called ... we had yet another fight over Darbie. I told him that if he didn't do something within the next week, he's taking her to the pound ((notice how I said HE is)). He response was that he couldn't do anything in a week. Yes, he can; he just choses not to. He also could have given us more than $200 for this month ((yeah, that was for November; VERY late)), but again he chose not to. His job does not pay that shitty. That would be less than minimun wage, which would be illegal. He gave us $700 during unemployment, so how the Hell does he give us $500 less? Especially when he only has to be HALF of everything since he has a roomate. Mom and I think he's putting money into his 401K and taking his non-girlfriend out too much. The whole thing pisses me off so much, and I just cannot take it anymore. I already said in my last post how Darbie peed on the kitchen rug, which is a pain in the fucking ass to clean.

God ... I just looked over at Darbie sleeping in the bathroom and instantly started crying. During the phone conversation, Dad tried multiple times to get out of the situation but I caught him. The last thing I said was "She's your responsibility, so think of something." and then I hung up right as I broke down. I can't stand the thought of Boo Bear being put to sleep. Brandy -a dog we used to have- was put down too, but she was 19 in human years, blind, deaf, and couldn't keep her food down. It would have been so cruel to keep her alive; though I still hate the idea. But Darbie still has a chance to get healthy and live ... Mom and I just don't have the money for it. If Dad just took those two stupid credit cards he stuck Mom with, maybe we'd be able to take her to the vet. The bill for those cards are like $300 and it only pays off about $5. The rest is all interest. Not to mention, that if Dad didn't wait so God damn long to split his 401K when they broke up, we would probably still have some money. But of course he had to wait till after the stock market crashed ... the dumbass. We lost I think like $50,000 because of that.

Jesus ... Dad screwed up on so much shit it's ridiculous. I know that Mom and I aren't horribly off, I realize that. But there are so many things we need to get but cannot ... like fix Mom's car, or get a new vacuum and shampooer, Mom needs to go to the hospital to take another biopsy, Darbie needs to go to the vet ... the list goes on. Even things like Christmas presents, which Mom keeps making a huge deal of.

So much for having a good holiday; though I got a real sense of thankfulness. That Mom's still here and not sick, Sam could get off work to come for a couple hours, that Darbie is still with us along with Jazzie, Taima, and Reene ... that we could even have a Thanksgiving dinner.

It amazes me how little he has to do to bring me down so fucking much. I'm so tired of his shit. I'm so fed up with it ... I suppose that's why I almost smile when Mom said she was going to take him to court if he does nothing by next week.

¤

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson ((when I first saw the music video for this song, I completely broke down ... because I still hear my parents fighting in the back of my mind ...))

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

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