Tuesday, December 6, 2005

   Pitiful vent ...
I was watching Dr. Phil with Mom ... it's about nasty break ups and one is about a family that's broken because of the father. After thirty-one years of marriage, he gets it annuled and married another. The daughters are infuriated with him. The things he says in his defense are almost like quotes Dad would say and have said to me. It makes me disgusted. I couldn't listen to any more of it so I went online and put my headphones on. I'm listening to the Disney playlist I'm making for Mom. It's her Christmas present. She loves Disney movies and the music in them so I've been downloading songs since yesterday.

Damn, I was in an okay mood till now. I even got Dominos for dinner ... though both Mom and I know we shouldn't have with our lack of funds. Now, I just want to cry, scream, and cut. I won't cut, no matter how horrible the urge is ... my wrist is almost completely healed. Just some bits of scabs, that I ended up scratching off. I'm really close to the crying part though. I just wish Mom wasn't in the room; although my back is to her. She knows I'm upset when I type furiously; it's a habit I can't help. God, I think the only thing that would make me feel better would be to rp. There are other things I want to do, but I won't, since they're distructive. Damnit ... I can't stand how he makes me lose my nerve! I don't hear him, I don't see him ... I only need something to remind me of him before I lose it. It frustrates me so fucking much. I hate him ... I hate him so much and yet ... I still love him. I remember when he was still my father and I loved him unconditionally. How we would do father-daughter things or family events ... like go get a Christmas tree from a tree farm the day after Thanksgiving; setting it up the next day after it could dry. Then on Christmas Eve and Day, he'd videotape Sam and me opening presents and goofing around. For the past four years, he has ruined Christmas because he always picked November so start paying less.

... it hurts ... it hurts so much ...

I want to hate him with all my being ... yet I can't. I hate myself because of that.

I want nothing more than to make the pain go away. I detest being so weak ... the fact that a single person is my downfall.

That's why I'm so into rping. I daydream that my OC is truly me ... that it's me being with Ed or Envy. Them taking care of me and keeping the pain away. But those foolish dreams only bring around more anguish since they aren't real. Is it just me, or do I set myself up to be depressed? Right now I couldn't care less.

I hate every tear I've cried because of that bastard ...

... I hate every tear that tear brings ...

... I hate the hours I spend contemplating what's happened ...

... I hate reminiscing of the past ...

... I hate every sob that escapes Mom ...

... I hate every time she looks at the budget ...

... I hate every time I let her down ...

... I hate the person who imposes as my father ...

... I hate myself for being affected by it all ... and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
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