Thursday, December 15, 2005

   Beware: major vent ((and it's still Wednesday))
Ever hear the saying, "You never know what you have till it's gone"? This is the second time that I truly understand that saying. The first time was with my parents' divorce; I lost so much ... a father included. Darbie's leaving on Friday; I don't think I'll be able to let her go. I know she'll be okay, and she's going to the vet too which she desperately needs. But, she'll be in a different state for two or more weeks ... and then with Dad not me. Whether she was with Sam, Dad, or me and Mom ... Darbie was always with our family. She was never separated from us in her nine years of life. And ... I don't see Darbie as a dog. In fact, I don't see any of my pets as 'pets'. I see them as equal beings that are my family; not things you put leashes on and command. So, to me, Darbie's almost like a daughter to me because I've been the one to take care her of her these past eight months. In the other years, she was Sam or Dad's dog; I didn't need to worry about her. But now I do, and it's going to be really hard to watch her go in two days. Heh, I'm already crying again. I was earlier ... about everything. About Darbie, Dad, Sue, Mom, lack of money, winter break ... everything. I may want break to come, but I know that Mom's dreading it. Winter break signals that Christmas is drawing near, and she doesn't have the money for presents. I already feel completely spoiled that Sam got me six and I told Mom that it doesn't matter as long as she's here; but she won't listen. Then there's Sam. She broke up with Lee again and for the last time. Now she has two jobs, an hour between them, and only five hours to sleep each night. If that isn't going to wear her out, I don't know what will. Then back to Darbie. I'm afraid. Afraid that she won't understand why she's at Sue's and think Dad and I are abandoning her there. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want her to go, but she just cannot stay here. Though, when I think about it, she's been here around eight months and we've lived ... it's been a little hard, but we've lived all the same. I complained about it the whole time how she needed to leave and now I'm getting that ... so why am I now regretting it? Though she'll go to Dad after a couple weeks, it's still going to be really hard to have her away -a state away- for Christmas. Dad could even try to pin Darbie back on us if he hasn't moved yet. Not only that, but I'm worried about not getting money from him. He thinks he has it bad, no. Mom and I don't have it horrible, but much worse off than he is. But you know what I'm upset about the most? That I can't do the one thing that calms me down. I can't cut because the stupid winter guard uniforms are sleeveless and I can't exactly wear a wrist band in the show. How fucking selfish is that?! How fucked up am I? I'm going to be so out of it because of everything till either things get better -which I doubt very much- or winter guard ends. The second option is horrible, but right now my brain is telling me it'll be okay to start again when I know it isn't. I'm so messed up it's ridiculous. I hate all of this. How can a few small things make me want to scream and slice my arm off ...?
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