Sunday, November 1, 2009

   long time.

well let's see. friends, or "friends" should I emphasize... all of my "friends" from my past are pretty much gone. it's relieving though in many ways. it was easier letting them all go than pulling off a band-aid. i am not having to be a chauffeur to everyone anymore. i am not broke as hell due to"friends" short changing me, "borrowing" without asking, etc. i am not the door mat or the crutch anymore. it's just all pretty much relieving to really sum it up. and some of my "friends" that are now in college and doing their own thing, good for them, but when we all hung out after high school and stuff and they just cold shouldered me after knowing each other for so long, as if i did something to them. just bullshit moves they would pull after hanging out and partying. screw them though. if their going to be like that, i could care less about them then.

i'm working a whole lot lately. i work about 9 or so hours a day. doubles on saturdays. split shifts on sundays. i get usually 2 days in a row off. sometimes i work through them though.

dj and i... were still going. we have our rocky times and then our good... i dunno. i do love him and i do care about him, just as much as we've been through now i want to now the future of this now. i don't want to wait for it to unfold or anything. i am too impatient for this waiting thing in a way now. i want to know where this will end up. i am just worn out that is all.

dj and i don't even really drink anymore. randy (dj's mom's boyfriend) said he thought we'd be "partying it up in nashville." nope.... just working. maybe occasionally having a glass of wine (if that). yes, wine. we don't drink beer. we once in a blue moon have a mixed drink. we don't drink to feel any certain thing. we just sip on a glass of wine. hard to believe, huh?

plus, i maybe will smoke a cigarette a day. sometimes i smoke one in the morning before i walk into work and one during lunch to tide me over till dinner. but i pretty much smoke hardly at all.

i'm pretty tired. bed sounds good. or at least a quick nap.
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Saturday, April 18, 2009

well work has been going good. i am on 4 days next week with good hours, so that's a plus. i have been working so much that i have been missing out on school. not so good but hopefully i can get that balanced here soon enough.

dj and i have settled things. i am still staying my distance so he can have time to himself and do whatever. plus i got things i need to take care of here in nashville.

nothing really exciting is going on though. just the usual.
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

New-Old Car
I thought this was pretty weird on how it matched up, almost too close for comfort. lol...

Today's Horoscop for Scorpio:

Are you being just the tiniest bit too harsh on someone right now? If you can be more flexible, they can be more flexible too -- you just have to give them a chance to show you! You two can work well together, but first you have to trust each other! Let go and believe that this person will meet your expectations. It's true that you might have to give them a bit more time than you would like, but isn't it better to wait for what you want than to rush and not get what you need?

I called him and apologized. I was too harsh with the situation and I should have given him more breathing room.

Anyways. Whitney and Schyler came over. Well they got a new car. Guess what it is? Gold Nissan Maxima, 1995, V6. EXACTLY like my car except theirs has a leather interior, bose cd player, and no spoiler. The body damage even matches my car's, minus the windshield.

Well I did some of those scratch off's today. won $5. :) I can't wait to get started back to work. I'm going to get all of it fixed up, under the hood and over. Maybe I'll just get a new car.
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Monday, April 13, 2009

the grinder again
so yeah. this past week and a half has been the worst time for me so far.

there's just been so much shit going on in my fucked up head. what i want to do in life. what i want to be in life. where i want to see myself in five years. i have no clue.

i get bad news pretty much every single day. one moment i'm having it out with my family and the next, my mom keeps saying "one day your father isn't going to be around. his health is bad. he needs to see a doctor. he hardly goes...." etc. another moment the only person who i can let all of the bullshit go and just have fun with leaves me.

so what am i supposed to do now?
i have no one left. the one person i still talk to in nashville pulled a funny, but stupid move and now they might be going away, too.

i sat back and thought about it last night when i got in.

i don't know what i want in life. the best thing is not knowing. planning ahead is always good. but planning so far ahead that when the time gets there for whatever you planned, the plans have fallen through already.
life is full of disappointments and let downs. i know there will always be the times where i might have no one but i guess it is meant to be for me cuz hell i got no one anymore that i can just chill with and talk to. i don't have a best friend. i don't have a group of friends that will take my back in a fight.

i'm not going to do the show thing this summer. that lifestyle gets me into to much shit. all of my relationships with people in general are usually fucked by the time they slow down. traveling for that shit costs money, money in which i don't have. Parties, no. Drinking, no. I took off last week from school to deal with everything that had fallen apart and to decide what I needed to start doing, and what I just listed is it. Everything needs to stop.

i'm going back to ann taylor this summer. i'm going to work through the summer and pay off some of my school debt. if i'm lucky, i'll have the money to go and get away for awhile and get my mind straight and heal again. i had always said if shit keeps falling through for me and there's no way to fix things, i'll restart a life somewhere else. so maybe if i can keep ann taylor past summer, i can move back out and be on my own.

i don't know what to really do anymore. nothing works out for me in the long run, so what do you do when you try and try and fuckin try and you just can't get to where you wanted to be? what do you do?

the worst part is the morning after the storm. waking up and realizing that your stuck in another rut and how the hell are you going to get unstuck again.

fuck.
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Friday, March 13, 2009

   ok.

fuck.

i just wanna work out. take a shower.

but then again i got that same old feeling again. the feeling to go out and just do crazy shit or something.

this happens every time after a long break from the social scene. i hate sitting around my parents house with nowhere to go, no one to see, no one to talk to.

i need to get out soon before i do stupid shit.

last night i was bored as hell. listening to music. watching tv. wanted to go out and just drive. or go for a walk. clear my head of all of the bullshit.

i didn't though. but it's getting worse each night. i couldn't ever go to prison or anything. i'm not a house pet.

i'm still young and fun and frustrated with life and in love and excited and easily amused and full of every little emotion that you start to lose as you let go of it all. i want to let go of it all, but only reality for a night. not the feelings. i need to get lost in a different atmosphere with the people who make my world balanced.

Things with DJ are going good so far. Well as far as I know. I just wish someitme he'd sit down and just talk to me. Bullshitting around is okay, but actually talk to me and tell me what he would like to do and where he'd like to be a year from now, not just with me, but with his life. He might be just as clueless as me, but oh well. Young relationships are like that. And I do know things change. One moment I never wanted to go to college, and as soon as I got out of High School, I was dying to go back to school. One moment your favorite color could be blue, and the next it could be red. Things change constantly, people change constantly. I'd like to just keep up to date or whatever with his feelings and his thoughts, they do matter.

I wish I could help him get his license. It sucks having a broken windshield or I would have already taken him. I know what people go on at him about, his mom, his aunt, everyone, it doesn't matter. And I know how it must make him feel lost on it. I've been there, doing it right now, but you just gotta take it one step at a time. Help and support from others always helps. Maybe I can help him with the GED thing though. I'm terrible at math, and somewhat science, but anything else I'll probably be able to lend some kind of knowledge to.

They say I need to tell him to spend time with me more instead of letting him run around constantly a, doing whatever he likes, that he's got it too easy. Well I don't care. I don't mind hanging out with everyone else while he bullshits around with his friends. I don't mind it at all. I'm not going to carry on at him over him being himself. Yes he might need to motivate for a job and all, but I've offered help, and he cannot deny that I haven't offered to give a ride or asked him "is there anything I can do?". I want him to do what he likes. Shit, if I feel like staying in town and going to Amber's to hang out with her or something, I'll do as I please (unless he wants me to come over) but I know he won't try to tell me otherwise, or atleast he shouldn't. Shit, videogames can always play out positive in the end, or cars, or fishing, or art. You can get a career in anything now days, so he can turn what he enjoys to do in his past time to something that he does for a living.

I dunno. I just know that I love him and I want him to be happy. And not so hauled down with bad news, debt and crappy schooling like me. And I know I need to talk to him about all of this and let him know I'm there for him. I'm going to give it awhile longer though before I try talking to him about this. I just need to know what all I'm going to say and ask. Plus if I know DJ, he'll motivate and do it himself without being influenced or told. I think that's a one of the problems is people marching around telling him what he needs to do, I got the same problem.

Who knows? maybe it could make a world's difference.

I know I got plenty to work on.
I'm picking back up my job at Ann Taylor in May or June. I'm going to work through the summer to pay off some of the schooling, so I hope Vicki gives me enough hours. I'm doing good on the book work in school, let alone actually doing hair.

Things just seem so much easier now days. Through out the week I deal without a lot mentally, physically, and emotionally, but the weekends just balance me out again. There's just a lot going on right now in the family and with every day stuff.
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

   i'm so pissed right now. i could rip someone's face off and it wouldn't even start to relieve the stress i got right now.

i hate it when she fucking asks me about how school was and cuts me off after 1-2 sentences. then after i start saying "same as yesterday" she starts getting upset and nosy. She'll get nosy and pry, i'll start to tell her something, then she'll cut me off again and go back into her own world. i just went off on her completely and i don't feel bad at all about it. i'm sick of the fuckin head games. don't ask me a goddamn question and cut me the fuck off. i'm not taking that shit anymore. after every other sentence it was "okay-okay." FUCK.

i'm totally sick of school now. everyone there is nice but they always take over my clients when i walk to the back to get fresh towels or something. and each time that i'm not busy and i'm trying to learn different cuts, they throw me someone else when there is a whole back corner of girls just sitting there doing NOTHING.

well my cellphone survived the throw against the wall apparently when i went off. i can't take the bullshit shit anymore. i'm just going to have to show the other side of me at the shop that i've been fighting back with every rude client that comes along. and people think ashley is mean. i'm a whole other kind of mean.

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

fuckshitdamn its cold.
so i haven't cleaned the backroom at all. i need to wash clothes. i feel like complete shit.
its starting to feel like rain outside.
my sound card is overloaded.
we're out of milk so i can't have hot chocolate.

shit is just not going right today... well basically this whole week. ungh.
i can't wait for tomorrow. i hope i get plenty of tips and the girls stay out of my way.
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Friday, February 20, 2009

   Oh and by the way. the night time terrors are back. lol. spoke too quickly on that one.

I need to go to Ohio or something. Clear my mind. Yup.
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   Well I'm still sick. It's gotten worse. My throat is completely swollen. I left school early today at 3. Bill seemed upset with that but I don't care, I'm tired of everyone trying to take over my clients. Every time I start a roller set, someone is up in my space, my bubble, just grabbing away at my client's hair trying to take over as if I have no clue hair to roll a roller. Pshhh. I'm getting so fed up that I think I may tear the next person's head off for it. I need MY MONEY for this shit, I'm not letting any money grubbin thieves steal away anymore of my clients.

I've been surfing websites and ads all afternoon for a job. nothing so far though. Criagslist is slim on listings. More than the norm. I found some really cool white shepherds on there, wolf mixes. I'd like a shepherd asap but then again I may go for a yorkie or a small breed so the kids won't feel replaced. I've still been searching for my baby Feo.

My mood has been overcasted by nasty weather this whole week. Bitterness isn't too great, but I can't help the mood. I've just been in one of those moods again. Oh well.
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Thursday, February 19, 2009

   fuck.
So today has been so very long, yet again.

i got a new client though so that is a plus. Curled her hair up nice with a flat iron and now she's wanting weekly appointments. turns out Jamie, a friend of mine that graduated from the beauty school not long after I arrived, did her sew-in. Small world.

So I'm thinking about going back to my natural brown but with more distinct blond highlights. I'm still indecisive on it though. I may go red with highlights. Who knows?





I'm stubborn, overbearing when you fuck up, mean, funny, sarcastic, rude, cocky, polite, quiet, loud, etc. Mainly relaxed though and clam. I'm like a tidal wave of multiple personalities all rolled into one. I love myself and how I am. And if you don't like any of it (don't matter which part) you can fuck off. I don't give a shit if you like me or not.

and that's all for now.


i'm sick.

i'm bored.

i'm exhausted.

i'm fed up with absolutely everyone.

fuck.
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