Friday, March 13, 2009

  ok.

fuck.

i just wanna work out. take a shower.

but then again i got that same old feeling again. the feeling to go out and just do crazy shit or something.

this happens every time after a long break from the social scene. i hate sitting around my parents house with nowhere to go, no one to see, no one to talk to.

i need to get out soon before i do stupid shit.

last night i was bored as hell. listening to music. watching tv. wanted to go out and just drive. or go for a walk. clear my head of all of the bullshit.

i didn't though. but it's getting worse each night. i couldn't ever go to prison or anything. i'm not a house pet.

i'm still young and fun and frustrated with life and in love and excited and easily amused and full of every little emotion that you start to lose as you let go of it all. i want to let go of it all, but only reality for a night. not the feelings. i need to get lost in a different atmosphere with the people who make my world balanced.






Things with DJ are going good so far. Well as far as I know. I just wish someitme he'd sit down and just talk to me. Bullshitting around is okay, but actually talk to me and tell me what he would like to do and where he'd like to be a year from now, not just with me, but with his life. He might be just as clueless as me, but oh well. Young relationships are like that. And I do know things change. One moment I never wanted to go to college, and as soon as I got out of High School, I was dying to go back to school. One moment your favorite color could be blue, and the next it could be red. Things change constantly, people change constantly. I'd like to just keep up to date or whatever with his feelings and his thoughts, they do matter.

I wish I could help him get his license. It sucks having a broken windshield or I would have already taken him. I know what people go on at him about, his mom, his aunt, everyone, it doesn't matter. And I know how it must make him feel lost on it. I've been there, doing it right now, but you just gotta take it one step at a time. Help and support from others always helps. Maybe I can help him with the GED thing though. I'm terrible at math, and somewhat science, but anything else I'll probably be able to lend some kind of knowledge to.

They say I need to tell him to spend time with me more instead of letting him run around constantly a, doing whatever he likes, that he's got it too easy. Well I don't care. I don't mind hanging out with everyone else while he bullshits around with his friends. I don't mind it at all. I'm not going to carry on at him over him being himself. Yes he might need to motivate for a job and all, but I've offered help, and he cannot deny that I haven't offered to give a ride or asked him "is there anything I can do?". I want him to do what he likes. Shit, if I feel like staying in town and going to Amber's to hang out with her or something, I'll do as I please (unless he wants me to come over) but I know he won't try to tell me otherwise, or atleast he shouldn't. Shit, videogames can always play out positive in the end, or cars, or fishing, or art. You can get a career in anything now days, so he can turn what he enjoys to do in his past time to something that he does for a living.

I dunno. I just know that I love him and I want him to be happy. And not so hauled down with bad news, debt and crappy schooling like me. And I know I need to talk to him about all of this and let him know I'm there for him. I'm going to give it awhile longer though before I try talking to him about this. I just need to know what all I'm going to say and ask. Plus if I know DJ, he'll motivate and do it himself without being influenced or told. I think that's a one of the problems is people marching around telling him what he needs to do, I got the same problem.

Who knows? maybe it could make a world's difference.

I know I got plenty to work on.
I'm picking back up my job at Ann Taylor in May or June. I'm going to work through the summer to pay off some of the schooling, so I hope Vicki gives me enough hours. I'm doing good on the book work in school, let alone actually doing hair.

Things just seem so much easier now days. Through out the week I deal without a lot mentally, physically, and emotionally, but the weekends just balance me out again. There's just a lot going on right now in the family and with every day stuff.
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