Monday, April 13, 2009

the grinder again
so yeah. this past week and a half has been the worst time for me so far.

there's just been so much shit going on in my fucked up head. what i want to do in life. what i want to be in life. where i want to see myself in five years. i have no clue.

i get bad news pretty much every single day. one moment i'm having it out with my family and the next, my mom keeps saying "one day your father isn't going to be around. his health is bad. he needs to see a doctor. he hardly goes...." etc. another moment the only person who i can let all of the bullshit go and just have fun with leaves me.

so what am i supposed to do now?
i have no one left. the one person i still talk to in nashville pulled a funny, but stupid move and now they might be going away, too.

i sat back and thought about it last night when i got in.

i don't know what i want in life. the best thing is not knowing. planning ahead is always good. but planning so far ahead that when the time gets there for whatever you planned, the plans have fallen through already.
life is full of disappointments and let downs. i know there will always be the times where i might have no one but i guess it is meant to be for me cuz hell i got no one anymore that i can just chill with and talk to. i don't have a best friend. i don't have a group of friends that will take my back in a fight.

i'm not going to do the show thing this summer. that lifestyle gets me into to much shit. all of my relationships with people in general are usually fucked by the time they slow down. traveling for that shit costs money, money in which i don't have. Parties, no. Drinking, no. I took off last week from school to deal with everything that had fallen apart and to decide what I needed to start doing, and what I just listed is it. Everything needs to stop.

i'm going back to ann taylor this summer. i'm going to work through the summer and pay off some of my school debt. if i'm lucky, i'll have the money to go and get away for awhile and get my mind straight and heal again. i had always said if shit keeps falling through for me and there's no way to fix things, i'll restart a life somewhere else. so maybe if i can keep ann taylor past summer, i can move back out and be on my own.

i don't know what to really do anymore. nothing works out for me in the long run, so what do you do when you try and try and fuckin try and you just can't get to where you wanted to be? what do you do?

the worst part is the morning after the storm. waking up and realizing that your stuck in another rut and how the hell are you going to get unstuck again.

fuck.
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