well. hell yea. my week has been down. continued from that whole thingy about my rights as an individual to do my 'stuff'
+that monthly redness came.bleah. not like i cared
+my mum is down with a fever. well. she is still rather sickly now
+i am burderned with trying to accomplish my homework and learning for my geog test today
+i couldnt cram stuff into my brain
+almost literally broke down because of that
+got back my sooooo un-well done A maths test: 10/30.
+i failed. was unhappy. but i couldnt cry
+theres even more homework for me to do within the weekend
+is feeling really overburderned and stressed the hell up.
+because the exams are coming AND i am having so much homework. i dont think i should be coming online and or touching the computer
+which means i cant chat with u now,sadfully,nadi
+yes i know. its equally saddening for me
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-the weather was raining. storms. no lightnings but thunders
-we had to bring home all out books because of the exams
-it is so ******* heavy and sucky
-was unable to catch bus 26 home cus no one at the bus stop flagged down the bus
-HE was there(not like it really mattered alot)
-the weather and the rain on my face makes me wanna breakdown and cry my heart out
-my heavy load of books that couldn get into the bg are getting wet
+and i couldnt do any stupid thing to protect them from the rain
+my shoulder is aching due to the heavyness of my bag
+which is a SLING kinda backpack. one strap,mind you
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+feeling very useless and lousy and ********-ed up
+i really wanted to cry
+was trying to stay outside the bus shelter like what i always did
+but that means my books are just gonna get drenched
+so i went into the shelter
+got a seat. sat down
+tears began to brim.
+
my pride i wouldnt allow myself to just simply show my weakest side to anyone
+i CANT do that
+the mask is breaking
+there is a serious battle of my multiple emotions fighting with each other
+i really cannt take it anymore
+i hurridely wipe away my brimming tears before they fall
+good enough when bus 13 came, no one was able to see the stupid expression on my face
+i am used to hiding them too well now
+but the urge to cry grew stronger by the minute
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+was too bothered to take a different path from him
+wanted to just get the hell home and cry my hearts out
+nope. not before i reach the inside of my house
+not showing this pathetic self to mummy
and here i am.managin to hold these dumb overflowing tears until i got into the kitchen. mum was still in bed when i came home.
i cired. for the first time in these 14+ friggin years of my life. i've never felt it this strongly before. i wished to cry,but i couldnt. and when i finally could,i have to hold them back and not show my truly pathetic self to any others. ESPECIALY HIM.
well. not exactly. to be exact. i hated myself for being this weak. i really am very much stressed up to my neck. i dunno. if a car really came up and almost ran me down i think i would have already broken down on the way home. yea. and he's gonna see this pathetic me. everyone is. well. they'll probably all think that i'm crazy or something. i dunno.
i seriously have been getting way more contact with cars and stuff. i almost got hit by a cyclist yesterday,we were really up close. that's why. i never liked them
all i could ever do is to try to escape escape. escape from this mad and cruel and ugly world. away from the pain and suffering. away from everyone. even if that would cause me sadness.... i really hate it.
how i wish i would sleep ETERNALLY,and NEVER EVER wake up. no. i've changed. i no longer wish for a prince to come and save me. i no longer wish to seek for that faraway light which is quickly disappearing. i just want to rest. take a friggin break from living itself. but why must i continue to live on? even if they siad 'your friends and your family would be sad'. well. to be prefectly honest, I DONT SEE WHY THEY SHOULD?! IM JUST ANOTHER GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, ALWAYS CAUSING TROUBLE FOR OTHERS,USELESS,HELPLESS AND WEAK BUM! why would anyone care?! no one ever did try to understand my deepest and truest feelings. they never seemed to care.
even if i broke down. even if its because i shrug all the sadness off with a simple smile,that doesnt mean that i wont be affected at all!
and i swear. if anyone is gonna start talking to me saying stuff like 'why are you being emo' 'are you alright' 'you seem like you have been going through alot' 'what happened that caused you to be emo'.....let me just tell you.... I DONT GIVE A FRIGGIN CARE!!!!!!!
if i'm sad,i'l be emo. when im emo and this very much saddened, OF COURSE BLOODY IM NOT ALRIGHT. 'you seem like you have been going through alot'....the hell cause I AM going through alot and its all of your stupidity and uncaringness and your seriously ******* behaviour thats causing me to become like this?
who doesnt want to be happy?! i know i do. but i cant! cus to sum it all up im always getting left behind. im always getting hurt. im always being alone in the darkness. and no one ever cares even if im sitting right there in a corner breaking apart.
do i really have to spill it out and call for your attention and say that 'im lonely i need you stay with me dont leave me alone anymore',for you to know that im feeling terribly lonely and upset and exasperated and realy really desperate for a friend whom i can hang out with and would never leave me alone anymore?
if i do, i'll tell you this again: I DONT NEED YOU
if you're just gonna try to get me through my emo-period and then leave me in the lurch again,i'll reckon that you leave me like this for all my friggin life! let me be! since you sont care anyway
yes so what if i am desperate for attention desperate for a friend. thats because no one ever cares! i need someone to call my own. i need someone to stay with me. i need someone to talk to to share my troubles to laugh with and to totally be myself with!!
yes. i HAVE been suppressing all of these all these while. so? what am i suppose d to like hell do about it?!this is my only outlet.
my tears flow. my blood doesnt. its probably frozen. its getting so cold. my heart doesnt feel. i dont wanna care. i wanna go outside to stand in the rain and get soaked through not giving the slightest damn about it. my heart feels cramped but it doesnt matter anymore. im nothing more than a living corpse anyway. although i still can get hurt both emotionally and physically
let me tell you: SCARS NEVER FADE. they'll forever remain
and mine never heals.even if they did. new ones are slashed all over and blood flows out from it. painful you might think. but this is how i'm feeling
i really dont mind getting run over by a car now. but what if i didnt succeed? im just gonna be causing trouble for my friends and family and even the school and teachers and everyone else i hated the most. i cant bear it having them fuss over me. controlling me like a stupid doll.
let me be. let me cry. the scars doesnt heal and never will. dont bother cheering me up. its just a waste of your breath and time.
let the time pass through slowly,and that i'll never have to wake up again. nah. i wont even bother suicide. it'll probably fail anyway.
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-disappears into the darkness with a flicker of ghastly flame~- 
