replies to comment:
no lol. we were trying random pairing on lovecalculator.com since we were bored and there was such a long time for the software to download. pink candy1 would know we were chatting through msn XD. lol. apparently. the gay pairings were more viable and worked out better than actual pairings. and it is complete phoney since it paired me and the guppy 44% as compared to *ahem* 26% and these two fellas together 71% XDDD. the wrong part about this: me and the guppy?! eww. no! no way. just friends. normal friends with nickname calling and spacing out-ness and..uhh....being in half-asleep land frequently. lol. xD we started out with that stupid rumour. and didnt care abt it lol. and then its competition of scores. and then well. it sorta went on from then. the random name calling 'baka!' and stuff ^^. no. not gonna go any further in the ROMANCE aspect. not ever. we are just dumb name-calling-dumb friends XD. dumb friends indeed. all of my friends are dumb. the worlds folks are dumb XDDDDDDDDD
hm. glad u liked the song. might do it one day.when i can finalise the tune lol. but its a bit of hilary duff and avril lavigine. ah. i dunno how to exactly describe it lol. bad at descriptions. >< heck~~~~
school mon-fri
yup. thats how the week's gonna be. monday with band and packing
today with library cip
tomorrow likewise
thursday's more band. but its unpacking
friday humanities cip
*CIp= community involvement programme. ack. some sorta social service,u can call it
ack. poofed-dicity. yikes. isnt life bad enough already?!
mom
hmm. well. generally. when this term comes out as a sub-heading. its usually rant again ugh. i got into a quabble again.
u see. i was being in this sad mood cus i was playing the golf game and was losing hell. and mum was nagging me to stop ugh! so when i came out she went on with the ticking off.
'why wont u listen to me?'
'stop playing already'
'faster la!'
like...UGH! major unhappyness. i was already upset. and she HAD to make things worse
topping it all: cus there was this thingy we hd to say. and then i said it correctly. but then she was like '...' and then slowly reacted. AND THEN instead of anything. SHE TICKED ME OFF FOR NOT SAYING IT CLEARLY ENOUGH FOR HER TO HEAR! WTF!!!!!! like hell. U were the one with the bad hearing. I said it correctly. U are B******** hell putting the blame on ME. I did nothing wrong!
i stomped back to my game. i was still in the friggin bad mood. ugh. and so we were cold war-ing. ugh.
against my will. tears fell again. i dunno. like why. why cant they EVER spare a thoguht for US? yea. u friggin adults are right. ALWAYS right. FOREVER right. to the b******* hell with that. wth..
whats good of a family if u cant understand and love each other
whats the point of living under one room if things are just gonna end in squabbles and quarrels
whats good of a home if no warmth can no longer be felt?.....
i dunno. i really want a space of my own. a place of my own. a shoulder to lean on. a friend to pour my troubles out to and is able to comfort me and understand me and will be with me.
i simply cant take it.
i need to unwind
i need to have my own space
i want to just sleep the hell off and never wake up. never EVER.
now. i dont even wait for that so-called prince to come. i know there is no longer such a person in this world. this corrupt. dark. contempt world filled with sins.
in the darkness,i seek the light
only to be deeper and deeper into the darkness itself
the light gets further and further
smaller and smaller
it has,from where i am now,
disappeared
and i
left in the pitch black world of contempt
helpless
clueless
devastated
sometimes i wish for it all to end.
sometimes i wish God would just let me die
if there was a purpose for me in life..tell me..what is it?
why am i still living?
why havent i died yet?
what IS the point of living
in this cold. unfeeling. corrupt world
devoid of the warmth of love
devoid of freedom
devoid of life
why can people who didnt want to die depart from this horrid world
whereas people like me continue to live?
underneath my smilling face.
are only tears
nothing but a broken heart
a wounded heart
a bleeding heart
no amount of love can make anyone whole.
once a scar is implemented
it can never heal
it will never heal
no matter how much u do to make it feel better
it hurts
it hurts still.
with throbbing pain
i dont think that anyone is able to tell all of these pain i've went through
i've felt in my heart
ever so deeply
behind my smiles
my expressionless face
my stupid jokes and whines to create laughter
so as to hide my pain
maybe it really is.
if u tell no one,how are they to know?
but then
who am i supposed to trust
who CAN i trust
i dunt know
i no longer know
to every little bit of hope
it all leads me to disappointment
with every friend i think i could trust
it only let me to more disappointment
more tears
more pain
as compared to the 'emo' people who scratch and cut and slash themself
i think people like me
who hides everything
who DOESNT even show a bit of the pain and suffering inside
is even more fragile
even more easily broken
cus there's simply no way u can tell
what the hell they're feelin inside
what the hell they're thinkin of
what the hell they've been through
unless they are willing to tell.
however. there is simply nothing else to be done
nothing else that CAN be done
the more u love someone
the greater the disappointments he/she tend to give you
the greater the hurt done
if there was such thing as love
if there still is such a thing caled love
if there is still a bit of warmth in this world
if there is still hope in this world
if there is still that bit of light in the dark
then show me
prove it to me that it exists
its rather paradoxical
that i still choosing to believe
to hope for that little bit of light in the darkness
even if its just gonna lead me deeper into the dark
i am still willing to chase after it
i am still waiting to get out of the darkness
i am still waiting...for the proof
that there is still hope for the world
there is still love in the world
there is still warmth
there are still people i can trust....
sometimes i really dont know what to do
my eyes are blinded by the dark
i dont see that bit of light
i cant see that bit of light
my life...is in darkness
having a fall into darkness
even if i stood up
and finally found my way into the lght
i dont know
whether i can still trust people
whether i am able to love
whether....i can still smile...
...im sorry...but all i want now...is to cry.
to cry like its nobody's business
to cry like nothing ever mattered
to cry . and to release a bit of the pent up feelings
........
well. me is gonna get me some shutter eyes now i guess
im tired
sick of livin
(and i really caught the flu again btw)
well then
i hope the next time it can be a happier post
and that i dont have to be doing this often
^^. ja ne~
-disappears into the darkness with a flicker of ghastly flame~- 
