yea LS. i got into another squabble again
well u see. my mum hasta rush to this place we r going after this for a kinds because she has this duty at our religious 'temple' at this other place. not the mini-prayer hall we have in our house. and then she was 'rushing'' us to hurry up. well. at least. she CLAIMed so. i dont recall any of it
my siblings are part of this teenagers' group and are planning the activities for our outing tomorrow,and my brother was doing the stuff required. well. apparently. he hasta cut out the shapes of the words he printed out on paper ON the piece of cotton cloth he was provided with. and then my mum was blabbering for a whole minute or more about how STUPID that was and how impossible that was.
I was happily on the floor,readin my straits times newspaper on the article of Paris Hilton being released and how it was 'good' for her. i havent got through the article when she suddenly shouted 'HURRY UP IM PRESSED FOPR TIME!' after she was done with the blabbering on the 'stupidity'. ugh
like simply. WTH! u didnt say ANYTHIing about it. and like wtf if u had time to go blabber on the whole stupidity business,why not put it for LATER and ask us to hurry up instead on blabbering! UGH!
being super pissed n unhappy. i played along
i cried
because i was too F******* pissed at how irresponsible of her
man. i simply cannt stand her! ugh! my friend,who is also a scorpio girl,is quarter as bad as my mum is.
who knows. maybe my mum is one and another quarter of the bad tempered scorpio gals
but not all are bad tempered. at least i do know of one who is nice and all
WTH! the thing is,shes being so ...soo....DIFFICULT and like bloody hell she NEVER thinks for US! and never REFLECTS on her own actions and thus NEVER apologises for the stupid behavior so arrogant and difficult and stuoid! ugh! WTH! YEA ALL OF THE F*** PARENTS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT! they dont hafta f*** respect their children and can backstab and gossip about others ALOT behind others backs! AND get away sdcot free not being scolded or reprimanded. or in a sense, they cannot be reprimanded for it
shes going 'oh man i cant stand my mum shes senile and being so stubborn and clinging too much on her money' wel;l. HELL KNOW WHAT?! U ARE EQUALLY STUBBORN AND STUPID! so what? grandma's SENILE she mixes up her family members identies and dont remember who i am and stuff. but u dont. u arent senile. u arent 93yrs old!
f*********
whatever it is. it only goes to show that what she heard on the radio programme about how parents should deal with their teens (respect n understand them) has simply gone from one end to the other without having any piece iof the nice kind informatiion they shared with all their listeners into her puny brain!
ugh!
sometimes. in fact. nowadays. i dislike going back home
cus it means another day and many more days to put up with her stupidness.
i hate this
why cant i ever do what I want to do in MY free time in my F****** holiday?! i mean. its holiday. but its even worse than having school! worse than having exams!....
ugh! i really hate it. i really cannt stand it anymore
perhaps this is common of puberty ugh whatever their nonsense excuse parents use to describe our behaviour. if parents are just gonna give us this shit while we are growing up,who can not help but to think of moving out or escaping from home?!yup. and all they say is 'its just part of puberty the kids gets a bit rebellious'
if U parents are not being shitty and,i know seriously myself i refrain from using this words,but parents being total bitches. WHY WOULD US KIDS WANT TO REBEL? why is our behaviour calling for our own rights seem to u freaks as 'rebellion'?! what ********??! i mean,think about it. if u really arent wrong in the frist place,why would we 'rebel'?! theres gotta be something wrong somewhere down the path!
some parents do actually think it over and realise their mistakes and apologise for being bitchy and stuff, but my mum NEVER does that! her bitchyness is like,telling me in a way that whatever i say is wrong and whatever she says is the truth. WHICH IS SO DUPER WRONG! just try talking it out with,take the last incident,the breakfast over papers thing 'i'll take it later' and she goes something like 'what the hell why do u NEVER listen!'
IM the one whos going all WTH all these shit! cant u think about it and at least apologize after all of these? apparently. it doesnt even matter. scorpios just want their own way. but my mums the extreme
its like. she is no longer the nice and caring n comforting mum i used to know. menopause maybe? but wth! shes turned into a total bitch! i couldnt stand it!....
wheres that mum where i can cuddle up happy and safely to?
wheres the mum who comforts me when i quarrel with my siblings over little things and all
wheres the mum who takes notices of my injuries and bruises and all immediately when i reach home
wheres the mum i know i can trust ever so much i can walk safely along the streets with my eyes closed and her leading me
i dont know. it does seem to me that instead of parents supposed to be helping out with my little emoness and all. shes making it worse shes adding to me even more stress shes making my life now miserable and horrible! i hat it. now i dont really have a nice place to return to. a nice home to return to despite my injuries suffered in school and stuff. i dont what what i shoul;d really do with my life anymore!
well. thats that. ive gotta go. we are kinds runnin late. ugh. okie. gotta go. bye!
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edit. after the post
well u see. i was ready to go out. we hafta covr our dishes(dinner) properly. or else the lizards and roaches might come. and i saw my dads unsuccessful attempt to cover the soup.so i went to cover it
i removed the plastic cover that couldnt fit,and so i got myself a handy metal lid. in fear of its flimsyness and thus being unable to keep out the lizards,i placed an unopened jar of peanut butter on top. and the soup is being supported on top of a 'cooling rack'
CRASH
it fell onto the floor and the soup spilled all over. dad came back into the kitchen to clean up the mess and so did my brother. all of us were about to leave the house already
i felt so dumb and useless. why do i have to create this huge mess now when everyone is busy
this is a really a huge horrid stab in the heart. at my down moments when i was crying just now in the post
i couldnt stop crying and blaming myslef. this time. it ws so loud and horrid and i couldnt stop. bro hadta tell me twice that its okay stop crying
but i cant! i mean. its totally my fault that this happened. now dad wants to stay home instead of going to the 'temple'
and its all my fault
why did i hafta be such a busybody
why couldnt i have used somehing less heavy
why was i so stupid to do such a thing
why am i so dumb and stupid i troubled everyone
im so dumb and foolish im just a dumb burden to everyone
im better off dead....
i broke down and cried. i tried to persuade dad to go without me. i wanna stay here. i cant go out with all these tears over my face overflowing. ui wanna stay home and break down and its all better without anyone to see me. but dad didnt wanna go anymore. i spoilt his day
i really dont like this. maybe this is one of the facts about being a cancer- being too emotionally sensitive and all. but what can i do? im feeling so down and not knowing what to do anymore
what am i to do next morn? the next next morn? the next next next morn? i dont know? i dont know what i want with my life
i dont even want my life
maybe this is just a test from God. whatever it is. i've failed and i dont wanna live. life has been way too harsh and horrid for me i dont see the light i dont know what should i do with my life
i've thought of maybe telling this to guppy over msn. but then again. forget it. i think hes just gonna be freaked out on what to do with me,crying so bad
i've thought of calling vivi. but shes not here. and well. simply everyone else is just gonna be so freaked out .i cant even talk properly now.
no use crying over spilt milk say? but if i werent so clumsy n stupid,the 'milk' wouldnt have been spilt and we would all be happy.
if only i was less stupid.
if only i used my brains and considered the weight of the peanut butter before i placed it on top of the whole thing
if only i wasnt so dumb
if only i could turn back time,none of these would have happened
if only.....
..............i wasnt born
i hate myself. i dun wanna live. picking up the broken shards of the bowl i rather it cut me and i bleed to death. that shall make up for everything. well. it didnt
i dunno. mum is probably gonna be a whole 'bitch' about it and give me a scolding later. sis will probably understand me better than mum, and say not much about it
i dont wanna stay in the house n let dad see me like this ui wanna go out
but its even weirder for me to just go crying downstairs. mum has wide relaations. me,sticking with her mostt of ther time,knows most of her 'friends'.
besides, HE lives just nearby
though he doesnt really matter a whole lot. i really hate others to see me like this. i dunno who to trust. i dunno why im living. i dunno what to do for the rest of my life
let me burn in hell for all these horrid stuff ive been doing. its probably better there than here. let me suffer physical pain if thats the way it will hafta be. nothin hurts more than emotional pain.
i dunno. i dont plan on eating now. i cant stop crying. i just wanna end it all in my sleep. i wish i never wake up ever again. maybe this should be my starting of my fanfic. ah. i dont even care about that anymore. all i want now...is to never ever wake up.
if god could just allow many people to die in their sleeps,why not me? the dead are dying to live,and the living living to die
...............i duno what to do anymore......
-disappears into the darkness with a flicker of ghastly flame~- 
