Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Laws of Anime
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity

The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary -


Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary -

Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.
#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.
First Corollary -


Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15 - Law of Inexhaustibility
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary -


The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary -

Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary -

Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.
#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
First Corollary -
(from Adam Barnes)


Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....
#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
#24 - Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary -


The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corollary -

The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
#25 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
(from A. Hicks, Tom Williams, and Ben Leinweber)
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26 - Law of Feline Mutation
(from A. Hicks)
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any

#27 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
(from Tom Williams)
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
#28 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
(from Tom Williams)
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29 - Law of Melee Luminescence
(from Tom Williams)
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30 - Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism
(from Tom Williams)
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31 - Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability
(from Spellweaver)
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#32 - Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
#34 - Law of Probable Attire
(from various sources)
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).

Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear a long cloaks that don't hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) -


All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) -
(from Nyctomania)

Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these things before.
#36 - Law of Quintupular Agglutination
(from Daniel Mikula)
Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation
#37 - Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
(from Jason Bustard)
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (a.k.a. The Hammer Rule) -
(from Ferdinand Pelayo)


The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38 - Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39 - Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get, and vice versa.
First Corollary -


Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
#40 - Law of Nasal Sanguination
(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41 - Law of Xylolaceration
(from Lyndon Harris)
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
#42 - Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
(from Erin Alia)
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43 - Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia
There is no Law #43.
#44 - Law of Nominative Clamovocation
(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
#45 - Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
(from R. A. Hubby)
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
#46 - Law of Flimsy Incognition
(from Conrad Knauer)
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
Thanks to: Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright.

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