Tuesday, September 7, 2004

AGGG
Okay, I do this once more, and once only..

Please. Please for the love of God and all that is holy. Vote for my comic on Buzz.

;_; Please. I really really really want readers, and if you're reading it anyway, you might as well vote.. because the higher in ranks it is, the more people read it.

And if I get people reading it, I don't get into depressed 'nobodycaresanyway' spats. As far as I can tell, three people vote for me a day. One of those people is my mother. That doesn't count!

My mom, my friend Terri, and someone else. ;_; This makes me sad.

Sorry for being a whiny bitch,

-Me
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Ah.. yes. Right.
I'd like to apologise for my complete lack of updates. Lots of things have been falling around me lately, and it's been hard to keep up.

To be completely honest, I was more or less disappointed at the lack of response for the entry I wrote on the way home from work the other day. I wanted an answer to the things I was thinking of, but I didn't know how to bring it up to Luke or my best friend.

Moving on..

My votes have been dropping like a rock for my webcomic, but I won't complain.. at least people are reading it. Maybe. I don't know.

I spend a lot of time on that comic. I'm sorry that my art isn't great, but it's a big deal to me, and I really really really want people to read it.

I try to smile when I'm depressed. I noticed that today.

Smile, because nobody really gives a crap anyway.

...

I'm sorry. I'm a bit.. morose again.

My mother called me yesterday, but she had to hang up quickly. She said she wasn't allowed on the phone. My brother mentioned a simillar conversation with her on the same day. Apparantly the guy she's staying with has 'an anger problem.'

It better not be like my Dad. I hate my father. A man shouldn't strike a woman. Moreso, a man shouldn't knock a woman down a flight of stairs or make her bleed. If this guy is doing this..

You know. My fucking threats mean nothing anyway. They don't mean a damned thing. Because I can't help her. I can't go out there. I can't go to Ontario. And even if I was there, I can't hurt anyone. Jesus.

... I'm jealous of everyone who's ever had a nice family. I don't know what to think.. anymore. I've been through everything.. for the most part. Including being told by both parents that I couldn't stay with either of them.

But I still care about them.

And I hate them. Because that pisses me off. They put me through hell, and they can't even take care of themselves.

Maybe I shouldn't be posting this here. But... I could never tell my friends any of the stuff I write online. My problems are my own. Until I actually get a fuckin backbone.. I'll just smile like nothing's wrong.

Sometimes I feel completely alone. Like.. even if I tried.. I could never ever feel like.. I fit anywhere.

-Rayne
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Saturday, September 4, 2004

WANTWANTWANTLUST

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Wednesday, September 1, 2004

I think my heart just stopped.
Holy. Fuck.

I'm ranked at 167 overall on BuzzComix Top 100, and.. and..

Holy crap. I'm at number 8 in the rankings for drama. EIGHT.

Out of.. out of 3000.

~cries~ So happee.
LINKAGE!: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v289/psychorayne/gonnadie.jpg
-Rayne
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Something I wrote on the walk home..
As I walk these streets of cracked concrete and abused asphalt, my mind wanders to other things, other things that I normally would not, normally would push back in my mind..

Everything has a set course, but my life has changed such in the last four years, that sometime my own existance becomes a trial; what is real, and what is fantasy? These two things have crashed into each other so many times that sometimes I wonder..

What my beliefs are and what my feelings are have the ability to come apart at the seams at any moment. Beauty is relative; blood can be as beautiful as a rose, if viewed by the proper eyes.

I dreamt once that I was comatose, but my eyes had still focused on the world around me. I lie, untouched, as the world around me changed, faded, and moved away from my fingertips. People I loved moved on. Politics continued. People regarded my state as a loss, but to me, I was awake. As wakefullness is, of course, just an object of sleep, properly determined.

I felt lonely. After a while, those who visited were unable to love me anymore. They came, they spoke without looking at me. I dreamt Luke was there, Luke, my only drive to live over the last year, but he said nothing.

He stared. I wondered if he knew, but he said nothing. It was as if he were regarding an object of possession that had just broken. Remembering.

Loneliness is not a state of mind, it is a being. This being can completely overtake a person's life, can it not?

I cross the intersection; I have almost made it home from work. My pen scrawls indiscriminate words on an old notepad that has been abused and beaten. A car slows down at my side, and I am stared at for a few moments. I suppose this is a strange vision; a girl in a large black hat and a trenchcoat is walking down the street on a sunny day, writing as she goes.

Haha. A good laugh, really. What a fool. Pity.

I am unable to determine why they laugh at me. I certainly don't feel I am any better than they are; I don't feel they have any standing over me, either. A car is a status symbol. This is part of the reason I do not strive to get one.

My train of thought is lost. What was I writing about before this?

I recall work today. I just signed a book at the Wal*Mart. I am trying to get on night crew so I can see Luke more. I need him to be near me more. The lonliness has been like a disease lately.

I am forever myself. Everything I do is somehow seen as some sort of idiosm. All I care about seems foolish, small, belittling. I feel my writing is getting worse; I have difficulty reading this.

Sometimes I am not aware if this is truly what I want. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I am who I truly believe. I know time will play the fool with my mind until it feels it relevant to disclose this information.


-Rayne

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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Ah..
I'm about to do something that I know I'll regret later. It's a bit trying, but I feel I really don't have anything left to do.

See, my fiance, Luke, he works Midnights at Wal*Mart. He has been looking for another job so we could see each other more, but as of yet, he hasn't found anything.

So I figure, I'm gonna apply for that.

If this happens I most likely won't be online as much anymore. Still here (you can't keep ME off the fricken computer!) but definately less.

Good things can come out of it.. I mean, they're desperate for people, and I have expierience in grocery.. it's a guaranteed 40+ hours a week job.. so our house would be.. well, ours pretty quick..

I'm going for it. My decsision, so ignore me when I'm all whiny about this later, kay?

^_^ Thanks to anyone who voted for me. I'm doing gleeful cheers over here.

-Rayne
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Holy shit!
I am so happy right now..

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v289/psychorayne/sufuckinhappy.jpg
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Sunday, August 29, 2004

Party fun stuffs
Ahh! I am a bad bad person. I should die. x.x

I didn't finish next Friday's comic yet. Le gasp, I am late. Woe is me.

..

Ah, I'll get it there. :)

Last night was fricken awesome. I went to my friend Michelle's going away party (I'm a bit sad, she's going to Okayama {Japan} on Tuesday..) and had the most fun I have in a long while.

We just goofed around. None of us drink or anything, not like my other group of friends, so it was fantastic just to hang around and relax.

Chelsea, Jade, Paul and I made cupcakes for the party.. we made something like four dozen cupcakes and just kinda showed up with them as part of a gift.

(Actually, Jade and Paul did dishes, because they didn't really help much at all. Boys are not good at making cupcakes. They're too easily distracted by video games.

... Chelsea wouldn't let me play video games. She's a nazi, she is.)

We played badminton until Jade lost the glowstick we lodged in the birdie over the net. We couldn't tell what we were doing, since it was dark, so we lodged a glow stick in there. But then it fell out of the birdie and Jade smacked it clear over the net. It was hilarious.

We had all sorts of junk food. Michelle's mom gave me a short speech about iron or something. About how I need to get iron. I don't know why she thinks I can't manage my diet. I've been a vegetarian for two and a half years. Obviously I'm not that fucked up.

I don't really know what she said. I just kept going. 'ah, sure' and the like until she stopped talking. I didn't mean to be rude, but it's hard to be patient with someone who wouldn't listen to my opinion anyway. ^~^

I wound up eating these scary spicy things. I thought I would die but I didn't. It was a samosa, right? Ah, I can't remember.

^_^ We stayed up until six am, and generally were just very irresponsible and immature. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

.. I should be drawing.

With that in mind, I have this nifty thing on my site now, where you can vote for my comic on the top 100. You can vote everyday, so if anyone wants to, that would kick much ass.

:) Nite.

- Rayne
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Thursday, August 26, 2004

Woot.
Just spent like, an hour and a half fixing my comic site so it didn't look totally stupid.

I'm so happy. :) wee. Also signed up for the webcomic top 100 site. I doubt that I'll end up high in it, but I'm on there, which is cool nonetheless.

Also, I bought Metric's new cd today. Totally kick ass.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I have Irn-Bru!
Candy for breakfast?! Yeess!

I can't cook. Fun fact, neh? So if it's not something easy like toast, I usually don't eat very much unless I seriously follow a recipe as CAREFULLY AS POSSIBLE.

Anyway. I gotta get ready for work. But my new page is up. I had some problems with it last night where I accidentally sent in my rough copy. Oops.

Anyway. Good one's up now. See ya.

-Rayne
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