Thursday, July 22, 2004

Kitty
Okay. So I recently helped this tiny kitten out. He was dropped on the side of the highway in a box with his brothers and sisters; so when he finally came to me, he was one of the last two alive, and he was only three months old.

People piss me off. I don't give a crap what the reasons are, bring the poor little guy to the SPCA, ya know?

A girl in the mall sold him to me with the implications that he had all his shots and such and that she just wanted fifty dollars to help pay for them. I thought this was loaded, but I gave her the fifty anyway. No way I'd leave a cat with a girl who was carrying him around like a handbag (all week she'd been doing it. I don't care what anyone says, a teeny kitten like that shouldn't be so inactive or out in the sun so long.).

When I got him home, we found fleas on him. So I suspect what she said about the shots and such are false; a vet wouldn't go for that. If he had fleas, the vet would've fixed it. Or given them medication.

So anyway.. we named him Marco Polo, since he's travelled so far in his wee life. Marco for short. He's a sweetie. When he had time to rest and eat (did I mention that he's really really thin? I don't think that girl fed him anything.) he was totally hyper and racing around the room, jumping on shiny things and generally pissing off my other cat, Ivy.

We brought him over to my friend Terri's house; she has a bigger place, and someone's always home there. Besides, I'm there so often that I'll see him a lot anyway. And he's happy.

So thats the good part of my week. It made me happy.

While it's on my mind, I want to start a webcomic. My characters will include mostly ones from my online rpgs; Eric, can I use Xavier? I'll be good, I promise. ^^;

I have so many ideas now. I think the troubles I had before might have been because I keep trying to create new characters for the stories instead of using ones I'd been writing for three or four years.

Anyway. I've gotta go to work.

Byee

//.r.a.y.n.e.//


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Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Religion.
Is a personal thing. PER-SO-NAL.

You should choose it yourself. You should follow it yourself. And if you change it, or decide to do something else, thats YOUR fucking business.

I'm only stating the obvious, cause nobody can figure that out for themselves. I'm not Catholic. Or Christian, or Anglican, or anything like that. Hell, half the time I wonder if I'm a 'true'Pagan, since 'apparantly' my visions on how I follow the teachings are just a bit different from others.

Thats personal. Right? Personal.

So let it go. No more debates. I refuse to speak of it with anyone. Because it's my fucking business. I don't care what religion anyone follows. Just mine.

Maybe that makes me self centered.

I really don't care.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//

Otherwise, here's a recent picture of me for anyone who hasn't been around for a while:



I am so obviously the spawn of Satan, eh?

I don't know what's up with the hand thing. I was being weird last night. Thats what happens when nobody's online. x.x
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Friday, July 9, 2004

Things..
I had a job interview today for a cafe called 'Willow Tree'. I was told it was a full time server job. When I got there I found out it was part time cashier. And it paid less than the job I have now.

No biggie. I'll keep looking.

Things are looking up a bit. Last night I went to the arcade with Terri and Paul. It was fun.

I'm not ecstatic, but I'm happy again. Things are fine. I'm trying this optimism thing again. It's kinda weird.


.. anyone else stuck with the new YM? Fucking bastards made it so you couldn't use it on Trillian anymore.

God Yahoo Messanger is lame. So very lame.

Anyway. I think I might have nothing at all to say, so I'm just gonna stop typing now.

Just stopping.

Yep.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//
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Wednesday, July 7, 2004

Alright then..
Well, I can say one thing. At least when shitty stuff comes into my life, it all happens at once.

Because you gotta hate when you're having a great time and then something bad happens, but you don't wanna dwell on it. Right?

I don't know. There's my fucked up attempt at optimism. Take it or leave it. Thats all I got. Sorry.

So, once of my customers died at the fireworks. I just found this out a few days ago. His name was Roy, and he had a fire attack when the fireworks were going off. He was pretty old and all, and I'm well aware of how inevitable old people dying is, but it still bothers me. Worst thing is, I saw the ambulance the night of the fireworks, I mean, fuck, I walked right past it. I felt something then, too, like I should be stopping, something was wrong, maybe they needed help.

Well, they didn't, obviously, they were paramedics.

In any case, it bugs me. He was one of those really genuine people, you know? Honest and nice and stuff. He didn't do the 'how are you I wanna hot dog' thing, he actually gave a crap.

I don't really care how old people are, as long as they're good people.

.. anyway. Thats.. hit me hard. I mean, I think of stupid shit, I really must be a freak or something.

When I think of love, it brings me to other things. Sanity, religion, peace, hate, every fucking thing.

Mostly, though, I start thinking about why people are here, what our purpose is, why people are allowed to be above other animals, blah blah blah.. which brings me to an absolutely horrible mentality. I feel dead, drained, and slightly sick. Whenever someone dies I start to feel this way. Really fuckin bad.

It seems horrific, the concept of a life ending, a card circulates the office, people sign it with stupid things like 'He will be missed' and 'Our Prayers are with you' or 'Sorry for your loss'.

Seriously, man, I mean, why the fuck would people take it so lightly? I couldn't just write a textbook comment like that. It bothered me. It seems.. phony.

I think I contemplated a lot of things about my life today. I work a lot, but I'm paid little. I studied the nature outside of my home, across the bridge on the way to work.

I remembered the woman who almost jumped a few weeks ago. She had her shoes off. I couldn't figure out why. Why do jumpers take off their shoes? They're gonna die. If you're gonna die, why wouldn't you wanna take your shoes?

That might sound morbid, but you'd be surprised how often I've contemplated suicide. She was crying. I'm glad she didn't jump.

But I saw how beautiful the water was there, and I almost understood.

I looked at the sky, wondered how blue it would be if it wasn't polluted. Looked across the water to Seattle, and knew I'd never go there, even though it was so close. Thought of my family, and how lucky I was to have them, how they got gyped pretty bad to have an unsuccesful artist daughter who can't even apply herself.

Maybe thats not true. They keep saying so. Well, my mom does. My dad seems to care less about what the fuck I do.

I drew for hours over the last few days, but I couldn't write for anything. I was offline a while. Sorry about that.

Anyway. I cleared my mind. I said goodbye to Roy, and I'll go to his funeral when it comes. I wrote again.

I feel badly again. I feel like an outsider. But better than before.

Thanks for caring so much, Eric, it meant a lot. :)

I feel a bit better now, though. Just depressed. So, normal. Or as close as it gets.

Oh. On a sidenote; I slept properly last night. Eight hours. And now I'm totally exhausted. Too much sleep.

Never again. Insomnia is the life for me.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//

music: Our Lady Peace- Not Enough
mood: ..strange.

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Sunday, July 4, 2004

Skip this if you don't want to read about my problems.
I've decided not to go on a complete hiatus from posting tonight like I thought I would. I feel sad. I feel a bit lonely. I have people talking to me, and I'm thankful. I know I should be asleep for work, but I think thats becoming less and less important to me as I realise the spiral being stuck in a job has kicked me to.

I don't really care, to be quite fair. It's just a part time job. I could apply myself with exhuberance, I could do my best, and it's just the same result that I would get if I didn't. There is no room for raises after 8.25. I'm looking for a new job. Hell, last shift I worked, I left half an hour early, and didn't even care.

Nobody cared. Jade was there, I wanted to hang out with him. Steven suggested I go with him. Diane knows I'm leaving, I gave my notice. Luke and I are good again.

I cleaned today, but then I made a mess with dishes shortly after. It looks pretty much the same as before.

Some of my friends are depressed, and I'd like to help them. A few people I know have people close to them who are dying, or have died, and it's either hurting them now or resurfacing to do it. I don't know how to deal with death, because I've never had to. I don't know what to do or say. I want to be there for them, so I wouldn't dare tell them how it bothers me to hear it; I don't want to be that selfish, because I love them. They need my friendship, not my apathy. I wish words could solve everyone's troubles, but the world isn't really fair that way.

Time really means nothing to me. It's just a passing demon that takes everything away. I don't remember my childhood, because I blocked most of it out. Most things I don't want to remember. I hate to think anyone's ever depressed like this. I don't know what to do to help, or how to help them.

What can I say? 'I understand' doesn't quite cut it. I don't understand. I'm completely out of the loop. I can't be there for someone who had their girlfriend die from smoke inhalation when they were twelve. I don't know how to answer that. When I was twelve I tried to kill myself because I thought I was alone; I figured nobody wanted me, so I'd just go away. I don't suspect I'm the best role model.

And the scar stays there forever, doesn't it? I'm twenty now, and I did that when I was twelve. I'll always have this stupid scar down my left wrist where the razor slipped. I'll always cringe when people put rubber bands on their wrists. I'll always be scared of razors, and I'll always be nervous when people laugh at that stupid 'down the road not across the street' bullshit.

Just like being raped. Or molested.. or beaten up every day when you're a kid.. just like what my friend (who I shouldn't name) is probably going through with this girl he still loves.

In the same sense, the scar of losing someone you loved never quite goes away. I think.. you always remember. I hardly knew Tiffany, and I'm still sad that she died. I couldn't imagine still loving someone from four years ago; what would that feel like?

I'm a much weaker person than that. I think I'd be dead now if that happened to me. Just gone.

Sometimes I wonder why we are given this capacity, this ability to love or care for people. Is it to stop us from mass suicide, or is it a curse? If people just liked each other, and never felt love, what would be the reprecussion?

I'm very negative right now. Maybe I shouldn't be online anymore tonight. I need to wake up for work in four hours anyways.

Who fucking cares..

//.r.a.y.n.e.//
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Saturday, July 3, 2004

Instead of actually posting:
Yep. I did another quiz.

Holy begeezus.


Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Friday, July 2, 2004

stolen from Deathbug's journal.

Which internet subculture do I belong to? [CLICK] You are a Goth! Oh Woe is you! Your LJ is full of angsty poetry and every breath is PAINFUL for you. Remember, when you are playing with razor blades, it's down, not across! Make it count! (kidding!) More Quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

.. I resent that.
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An.. interesting night
Well. My night went oddly.

Good, in some respects, but awful in others.

It started with us going to Pagliachi's. I thought this was a pizza place, but it turned out to be one of those overpriced restauraunts where you can't get a normal amount of food no matter how hard you try. It turns out my group was late for their reservation; we were supposed to be there at 5:30, but we got there at six.

Anyway. The waitresses were scary and cranky, I didn't get any refills on my coffee, they rushed us to order, and they gave us our bill before we were even finished eating. I ordered something I'd never had before, and it was really spicy. Nasty stuff. The only spicy stuff I like are wasabi peas.

Luke was a bit weird all night. I don't know why.

I gave him ten dollars to cover myself (I wanted to pay my way) and the total bill for both of us was 12 dollars. This means it only cost me six, not ten. He didn't offer to give me the rest back. I don't wanna bug him about it.

After, he dragged me down the waterfront (and I mean dragged; I stopped to watch a street performer, try to enjoy the fact that it was a holiday and what not..), to avoid tourists and the huge groups of people. We met Taber, and he said we were supposed to meet at the big tree at the Parliament building. When I turned around, Luke wasn't there anymore. Taber and I had no idea what tree was being referred to. We wouldn't have even seen it, but Bonnie was there.

I went back, and I tried to tell him I was upset. He shrugged it off. Like I said, weird mood. I didn't know what to do, and fucking Alex was there, and I can't stand Alex, because she's really weird, and she's literally a crackhead (which doesn't mean I'm judgemental. But she's also pregnant, and she's not exactly kind) so I went to walk back to find Terri. Terri's a good friend of mine.

So I cried to her about it. I think I was more upset because Luke hadn't listened to me about it. Went back to talk to Luke again, or at least try, and I receieved the same apathy as before.

So I sat beside him and cried while he sang songs to commemerate Canada day. He completely ignored me. Acted like nothing was happening.

I was really hurt. It wasn't even the events anymore, it was just that Luke was cross with me. So I stood to leave.

And I walked away. And the only person who followed was Terri.

Luke just stayed there. He just let me go. I still don't know what the hell this means. Or how I was supposed to take it.

I met Amber Hana then, and we went downtown for coffee. Scott's was closed, so we went to 7-11. We walked around. It's unusual to talk to a lesbian about male problems, but Amber listened. Terri was there too. They were awesome.

When we got back, Luke had left. He's at work now, and I'm mad he left early. But I guess I wasn't there anyway. I'm sure this is somehow partially my fault, but I don't know why.

The fireworks were spectacular. They played music. We danced. It was absolutely spectacular. A man ran down the street with a flag strapped to his back, claiming to be 'Captain Canada'. He tried to fly and nearly killed himself.

It was funny, though.

Later, once we found Adrian to give him back the trenchcoat he'd leant us (I have no idea why I didn't bring mine. It was stupid.), Amber, Paul and I went to go back.

We stopped to go to the bathroom at a coffee shop. I bought us all coffee. Again.

Partway downtown, near the Bank of Montreal, a group of people in a car honked at us at an intersection. The people inside called one of us a cunt, and a few other colourful things. One of them gave us the finger.
I didn't even really think about it; I threw my cup of coffee in their window. It exploded all over everyone.

It was half full too.

I probably didn't handle it well, but it seemed right at the time. Weird, though, I don't normally do shit like that, and I didn't even think about it.

To be honest, I thought it was hella funny. I stood there a minute, completely bewhildered at what I did. I realised that Paul and Amber were running. I didn't know why, the people we drenched seemed to stunned to do anything about it. But I chased them anyway. Amber congratulated me.

Her mom drove us home once we walked her to her house, and here we are. It started bad, but ended good. I just hope Luke isn't still cross.

As revenge, I leave dishes.

Mwahaha.

.. well. Thats it. Happy Canada day.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//
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Thursday, July 1, 2004

Update because I'm bored.
Well, the Japanese is going along well. I can write out most of the characters now in Hiragana. It's gonna be hard to remember them, but I've dedicated myself to it, just like I dedicated myself to drawing. If I could learn anything on my own, this is it, so I'm gonna keep trying.

I should answer Xavier's comment first:
((Well, I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. If it helps, I'm asthmatic, need glasses, ,have constan ear infections and a genetic predisposition to overeating.

Apparently, I'm also a compulsive competitior. ^^; Sorry...))

^_^ not competitive. Health problems suck. I can't be out in the sun long, because I burn bad, really bad, easily. Supposed to wear glasses, but I don't (I'm only mildly nearsighted.) I don't sleep like, at all, I'm dyslexic, and I have problems with order. I don't wanna label that. I think I'm just a neat freak.

I don't think thats really a health problem, and it's all good anyway. ^^

As an aside, I have never seen you online. Do you ever go on messanger?

Just asking.

Today was not terribly eventful. I handed a resume to Kelsea's. Yesterday I handed one off to the Empress, the Museum, and the Elephant Castle. Also Namaste cafe. Mostly because I frequent there.

And the Douglas Hotel. Yes.

I don't frequent the Douglas. I'm not a stripper or a crackhead. I meant the cafe. Yes. The cafe!

Damnit!

....

In any case, work was slow. Boring. Tomorrow is Canada Day, and I'm hella excited. There's gonna be fireworks. Woo!

And Pizza! Vegetarian pizza! Yay!

We all wanted a beach fire, but the police have been total fucking morons lately, so we probably can't do that without the stupid fire department showing again. It's okay. I'm happy we're going out at all.

I'm gonna try to find the drivers to my drawing tablet now.

Also, I drew a quick sketch of

Leslie.

I want to draw Avida now too. She was supposed to be a minor character, but the gears in my head have been turning, and I think I have better plans for her.

I'm sorry for anyone I just totally and completely threw off.

See ya later.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

so... dead.. almost.. blach
I handed out some resumes today. Not many. I already have a job, so I don't see why I should overexert myself to find a crappy one to replace this one that I like.

Not many places. I walked past EB. I was proud of myself. They already have like, fifty of my resumes.

Why won't they hire me? Geeze. Only boys work there.

Work was completely uneventful. It wasn't as hot as it has been. I was able to wear my trenchcoat outside again..

I found out the reason they were making such a big deal over the beach fire was because they have a fire ban here.

So that makes sense. I've been seeing a lot of firetrucks lately.

Man, I hate working part time. I really dislike needing to smile for random people who just glare at me. Or saying 'enjoy your day' to people's backs.

Or asking questions about orders, and such.. and people just talk over me, or talk on their phones.. I dunno.

I don't like.. the way it's been lately. I feel nameless, alone.

I really want a new job. I don't mind people; I don't! I love most of my customers. My job isn't really that bad.. I just figure, if I'm working hard, I might as well be doing it full time.

Ah.. and I've failed in being Vegan. Apparantly I have an iron deficiency problem. Lovely. On top of my athsma, dyslexia, and being allergic to everything, I'm quite a case, aren't I?

Ah.. I'm not really in a bad mood..

I'm learning Japanese again. I've started with characters. I'm doing my best to learn alone. I did fairly well with Russian.

:)

Ja ne

//.r.a.y.n.e.//

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