Wednesday, July 7, 2004

Alright then..
Well, I can say one thing. At least when shitty stuff comes into my life, it all happens at once.

Because you gotta hate when you're having a great time and then something bad happens, but you don't wanna dwell on it. Right?

I don't know. There's my fucked up attempt at optimism. Take it or leave it. Thats all I got. Sorry.

So, once of my customers died at the fireworks. I just found this out a few days ago. His name was Roy, and he had a fire attack when the fireworks were going off. He was pretty old and all, and I'm well aware of how inevitable old people dying is, but it still bothers me. Worst thing is, I saw the ambulance the night of the fireworks, I mean, fuck, I walked right past it. I felt something then, too, like I should be stopping, something was wrong, maybe they needed help.

Well, they didn't, obviously, they were paramedics.

In any case, it bugs me. He was one of those really genuine people, you know? Honest and nice and stuff. He didn't do the 'how are you I wanna hot dog' thing, he actually gave a crap.

I don't really care how old people are, as long as they're good people.

.. anyway. Thats.. hit me hard. I mean, I think of stupid shit, I really must be a freak or something.

When I think of love, it brings me to other things. Sanity, religion, peace, hate, every fucking thing.

Mostly, though, I start thinking about why people are here, what our purpose is, why people are allowed to be above other animals, blah blah blah.. which brings me to an absolutely horrible mentality. I feel dead, drained, and slightly sick. Whenever someone dies I start to feel this way. Really fuckin bad.

It seems horrific, the concept of a life ending, a card circulates the office, people sign it with stupid things like 'He will be missed' and 'Our Prayers are with you' or 'Sorry for your loss'.

Seriously, man, I mean, why the fuck would people take it so lightly? I couldn't just write a textbook comment like that. It bothered me. It seems.. phony.

I think I contemplated a lot of things about my life today. I work a lot, but I'm paid little. I studied the nature outside of my home, across the bridge on the way to work.

I remembered the woman who almost jumped a few weeks ago. She had her shoes off. I couldn't figure out why. Why do jumpers take off their shoes? They're gonna die. If you're gonna die, why wouldn't you wanna take your shoes?

That might sound morbid, but you'd be surprised how often I've contemplated suicide. She was crying. I'm glad she didn't jump.

But I saw how beautiful the water was there, and I almost understood.

I looked at the sky, wondered how blue it would be if it wasn't polluted. Looked across the water to Seattle, and knew I'd never go there, even though it was so close. Thought of my family, and how lucky I was to have them, how they got gyped pretty bad to have an unsuccesful artist daughter who can't even apply herself.

Maybe thats not true. They keep saying so. Well, my mom does. My dad seems to care less about what the fuck I do.

I drew for hours over the last few days, but I couldn't write for anything. I was offline a while. Sorry about that.

Anyway. I cleared my mind. I said goodbye to Roy, and I'll go to his funeral when it comes. I wrote again.

I feel badly again. I feel like an outsider. But better than before.

Thanks for caring so much, Eric, it meant a lot. :)

I feel a bit better now, though. Just depressed. So, normal. Or as close as it gets.

Oh. On a sidenote; I slept properly last night. Eight hours. And now I'm totally exhausted. Too much sleep.

Never again. Insomnia is the life for me.

//.r.a.y.n.e.//

music: Our Lady Peace- Not Enough
mood: ..strange.

Comments (1)