Saturday, December 11, 2004

Since I'm in this mood
.. I'd love to write right now, but I can't.. seem to move into it, and I want to roleplay, so I'm just going to talk about other things I've been thinking of over the last while.

Firstly; I am amazed by the inticacies, the small perfect beauties that I see around me in my world. I am amazed by life, I am amazed by the breaths we're able to speak, the way my hands close around nature, the way your breath comes to a fog in front of your mouth, your heart can feel love, hate, and emotion.

I am packed in a world with so much emotion, that sometimes I can't.. handle all of it. The leaves on the trees are so green sometimes. Today I noticed how the branches curl up in perfect angles, as if reaching for something completely unreachable, something perfect. They twist around each other, a mess of tangles. Someone has carved their name into the bark. I wonder what it would feel like to have someone's name into your leg, and file this philosophy away for the next time I crumple up a piece of paper on an imperfect drawing and throw it away in anger.

The water around me isn't frozen. I feel bewhildered. In Ontario, this time of year, it was always cold. Christmas is so meaningless without my mother or family. It's the first year I'm without any of my family at all. Rob isn't with me; next year it will be harder. I'll be in Japan.

And working in a store makes me wonder if money is all that keeps this religious gathering here; I wonder why I am so bold as to celeberate something I don't really believe in.

I look out the window, and imagine a change that I think would make life more interesting. I wonder what the landscape would look like if all the powerlines were gone, and you could get a clear view of the sky. I wonder what it would feel like if the world filled with rain, and the skies all changed from blue, to purple, to some off shade of orange, or gold. Something different. Something... exciting. A change, a beautiful abstract mix of colour, a lovely twist on what is real.

My life isn't mundane. It's not just day to day going to work, coming home, and sleeping. No, it can't be. Because I write, and I draw, and I grow. Just like the world around us.

I love patterns. I want to feel change and heartbeats with vision, with a swift brushstroke, maybe paint. Maybe charcoal. I want some sort of unusual, different, big jump, some imagination, something.. new.

I want to kiss the sky, and I want to see what life is.

(I'm sorry for being odd.. but I gotta write this somewhere, or I'll burst.)

-Rayne

Ted Leo- Bridges, Squares
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