Monday, November 29, 2004

   Hi guys.
Agh, school is an evil bitch. Well atleast it's over! i don't know what to do... I can't tell Chris the truth. I don't know what to say and everythime I say something bad, he begins to cry and talk about how much he wants to be with me and everything...I do love him, but I kinda want a man who fits more of what I want. or a chick! I just don't understand me anymore. I guess it's all part of being a teenager right? I can't help, but want a more gothic/grunge guy. Chris is barely near anything I want in a guy. He's not morbvid, like I am and he doesn't like horror movies. I would also feel bad for leaveing him, because that means everything we worked so hard at and all the time we spent together was a waste for him. And not to mention all the money he spent on me. I think I love Chris. I think I'm just not used to all the guys/chicks likeing me. Where I used to be everyone thought I was butt-ugly. But now people flrit with me and such. I love you Chris. I dob't want to make you cry anymore, but I wish you'd stop being so girly and toughen up and become more like the man I want. But well in better light, I saw a sign that said Merry Christmas and I thought it said Meaty Chainsaw. But well I love all of you and well I wanna hear about your problems, because I think you all are fucking sick and tired of my bitching!! ^^
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Sunday, November 28, 2004

   Hi everyone.
Hope evryone had a good Thanksgiving! I missed all of you! I hated being away. i played Gilty Gear Isuka though. It wasn't very fun and only had one new character. A.B.A. She was really sexxy though. I had no story mode and it was too complicated. Arcade mode was basically a surivial mode. It was just a really bad game! i got Resident Evil : Directors Cut though! Now thats a hilarous game! It doesn't use CG, but real life actors! And they are horrible actors!! Voice acting was absolutely horroendous as well! Chris got to spend the night though. From Friday to Sunday. It was like haveing a friend over except for the occosinal sex. It wasn't even sex really. More like it's too painful so I can't do it, but wish I could. I'm becomeing more unattracted to men everyday, except for the select few. I'm afraid I'm loseing my love for my boyfriend. Sure it was great haveing him over there and all, but i don't know, something just didn't click like it was suppose too. I think I just don't know what real love fels like and thats what I'm feeling, but just don't understand it. Yeah thats it. It's gotta be. I saw my little bro though and beat him in 2 duels!! It was fun! My sister and her husband are seperated, so i guess that means no presents this year for Christmas. Oh, fucking well. Thats the way the cokie crumbles. I just wanna die. I don't want to live to see Christmas. It depresses me. So, I just don't wanna see it. But well pay no attention to me. I'm just depressed. Love all of you and lots of hugs!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004

   hey everyone!
Hey whats going on? I'm going to be gone till Sunday so you all better be good while I'm away. To all happy TURKEY DAY!!! And hope your loved ones are near. Though most of mine won't they'll still be here in my opinon. I'll espically miss Sam( hang in there chicka, it gets better), Hinaru ( I forgot how to spell your real name. And we can still be cuddling from a distance!!^^) , Kei-chan( have sweet dreams of Kaoru-sama!!), Keiko-sama( I miss you!), Black Pearl( hope you are feeling better), Matty ( I wanted to talk to you before I left but your away message was on > ~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

   Yes last day!
Thansgiving Break!! yay! I loves it so! Still on the rag though and it sucks because I'm at school. I'm hungry too. Can't wait to get home and chill. i wanna play Gungrave OD!! I need to cuddle again! Any volunteers? ^_^ I just want someone to hold me, even if it is just pretend. It would be uber nice. I hope Sam is all right. She didn't sound so good last night. AND HINARU IS GOING AWAY!! *cries river with Chara floting on a toilet seat.* I'm might be going to Michigan wensday though. Yes! fast food galore! And maybe even that nice little drive in resturant!! I wanted Chara to come over though ;_;. We spent all major holidays except Christmas together last year. I want to ask a favor. I have a Christmas wish. I want kuronekosama to be on the top 10 artist list. Do you guys think you could help me with that? She's a really good artist too and always gives her art a 100 percent and more. She puts her soul in to it. I'm not telling you to go and mindlessly click yes, just to go see her art and if you think it deserves it then click yes. I just I know she works so hard and she really deserves it. It's always been her wish. I think a lot of you would like her art. It can be pretty morbid at times though. Thanks for hearing me out. I hope if we go to michigan that I'll have a lot of fun, but i'll miss all of you!!!!! I love all of you! I wanna get everyone X-mas gifts!! But well lots of hugs!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Monday, November 22, 2004

   Ack....THE PAIN!!
I need some food... but my tummy hurts and I'm afraid I'll throw it up. throwing up is not good. I'll eat later on. But anyways HELLO! I'm stuck at home. My cramping is very bad and don't feel very good. I'm on a downloading spree too! Finding good music to help me feel better. Right now I'm listening to Dir en Grey's Zomboid! A realllly good song! I might download pink Killer too. It won't download X-Japan's Forever Love though. It makes me mad. How is everyone? I say hi to Angela too! NO ALFRED LOVES YOU!!! I want some one to cuddle with...;_; SOMEONE CUDDLE WITH ME!!! It would be nice...even to just pretend. I wish the Matty monster was on...I want someone to talk too. but well thanks for reading my lame story! Love all of you! bai!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

It's Sunday!
Yay! Tons of sarcasm there. I gotta Picture of Hinaru! He's reaaaallll cute! There's a mouse in our house!! Agh, I just saw uit run into the computer cabniet! Oh, well I'm not really afraid of 'em. I find them quite cute. But anyways How is it going? I'm playing Gungrave Overdose right now! Yay! Grave is as cool as ever and I wanna unlock Juji, the blind samurai! Eeep people from the church are here to give us food! It's so strange today. But anyways...I have a new story to post on here. Don't worry it's short so if you wannna read go and do so. It'll be at the bottom of this post. I hope you guys will try to read it. It's not getting many reviews at Ficitionpress. infact it only has one. Thanatos isn't getting many reviews ethier. Like 5 is all it has. I hate my writting. Maybe I should just stop, because it would never sell in any form, shape or way. Thanatos was orginally suppose to be a manga, He is Here, was suppose to be one too. I can't draw worht anything, so I just wrote them as stories instead. But I think you've heard enough from me, so go on ahead and read my story if you like!! Hugs!

He's Not Here.

By: I-Wish-I-Were-Dead

" The sun is setting in the dusk. Can't you see it too? "

" Yeah, I can see it. "

" I'm glad. Your so cold again tonight, but the cherryblossoms are blowing in the wind. They are signaling the changes in the season. You always loved them so much. "

" I know. Because they always reminded me of you. And when i'm reminded of you, I can always think happy thoughts no matter what I'm doing. "

" I'm always thinking of you. I know you don't have much longer left so I only want to give you the best experince possible. "

You wrap your arms around me and smile at me. The sadest smile. It was only with you I spent the happiest of days. It was only with you that I saw the how you can hide in a false sense of time, hopeing that our days together would last and last. But I knew. You knew. That it was not meant to be. Wait a minute..your smile is so happy, wipeing out the stars that now occupy the skies.

" What are you talking about? I don't have any illness! "

He laughs, a laugh that I missed hearing.

" Don't joke! I only wish that were true! "

" But it is true! You know that you live with me now! We've been married for a month now! "

I couldn't believe it! Was this the reality of things? Now I begin to listen him describeing our wedding and how happy my parents were for me. My family was off drugs, my little brother had a good girlfriend and everything was good with them.

" So, you remeber now? "

' Yeah...I do. I'm sorry for jokeing with you. "

" Eh, maybe you just don't remeber, because of your simple mind!! "

He laughed hitting me on the top of the head. Maybe this is the reality and the sickness was all a dream and his death was all a dream and everything was all a dream. All of a sudden it got all serious. He stared down at me, looking deep in to my eyes. Pools of golden yellow was what I saw looking up. Contacts covering his ice blue eyes. I always harped on him to get clear contacts. It didn't matter now. All that matter was that he was here and not sick and lying in the cold hard ground, beneath a slab of rock.

" You know maybe this will help you remeber..."

He bent down and swept my lips up in a torrent of a kiss. It was like a maddening storm. But it was the sweetest thing. After dreaming about his suffering, I was so overwhelmed by this. I loved him. He was here. Maybe this was the reality after all. I love life. I hope it never ends.


" She might not make it. We'll have to see what time gives. What it brings. Until then just keep the faith. "

" Thanks for everything doctor. Can I see her now? "

" If you like. I'm sure you need the time alone with her. "

" Thank you. "

" One last thing. Why did she jump in front of that car? "

" If you really wanna know then I'll tell you. She tried to comitt suicide. Her boyfriend died a couple of days back from heart failure. "

" You mean Raresu Motosuwa? My wife was his psycholoist. I didn't know he was dateing anyone. "

" Yeah, not a lot of people knew because he was about 4 years older than her. "

" I see. My wife said he was a nice man. Enjoy your time with her. "

" Thank you."

The doctor walked off in to the hallway and I stepped in to the door. There she lay in a perfect sleep. She looked so peaceful that I almost didn't want her to awaken and face what she used to in life. Now that she lost him, I guess she thought she lost everything in life. But she was wrong. I was still here.

" Hey. What are you dreaming about, huh? A world with him still in it. "

I stroked back the strands of curls resting on her cheek. I did something I dare not do when anyone else was around. I kissed her softly on the lips and rest my head on her chest.

" I loved you too, Riris. "

~End

So, how did you like it? Shit huh? Well at least leave me a review! I don't care if it's a flame ethier. I was planning on makeing this into a story, but well I think I like it better this way, unless anyone has any objection?

~ Lots, of hugs to all of you who read! ~ I-Wish-I-Were-Dead ~
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Saturday, November 20, 2004

Hey everyone!!
Whats going on? I'm just here with Chris right now! He went to turn on the air! I've almost seen the whole entire Chobits series! yay!! Chi is so adorable! Nothing much is really going on today except we're odering out pizza!! PIZZA!! God I'm so hungry. SO VERY HUNGRY! I haven't had a proper meal in forever! We had pizza last night, but well Brandy and her kids ate most of it. I only got 2 pieces. I hate feeling that I'm a bitch to her kids. I always have to be ordered around by them and anything they want comes before anything I want/need! Jennifer is always screwing around and now she basically DEMANDS I make her an email account!! >< I got FUCKIN NEWS FOR HER! MY COMPUTER! MY PORN AND MY STORIES! And oh...yeah...music too. So she can't just waltz in and use uit when ever she FUCKIN wants! She might break it!! And her little disc thingy already made it freeze up last night! AGH!!! I don't wanna share! I know it sounds really childish, it's just she might screw it up or change my BG or cursor. I hate it when people screw around with my personal shitt. But anyways, I also hate it when Brandy bitches at me when I say they can't use my stuff! It's not like I use theirs! But anyways Im just being a whiny hungry bitch so after I eat I'll write another post, because then I'll feel better! HUGS TO ALL!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
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Friday, November 19, 2004

QUIZ!

No matter how bad the situation is, your always
ready to overcome it. Your calm manner keeps
you and your friends fromgetting into trouble
all to often. Good Job.


What emotion are you? _-=Beautiful Pictures!=-__-=Many Dirfferent Outcomes!=-_
brought to you by Quizilla


Your mysterious..... Like you have a secret but,
everyone has secrets that they don't want
anyone to know. So don't be ashamed if you
think you weird but, your not. It's cool being
mysterious like you might have cool
techniques:)


What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Your mysterious..... Like you have a secret but,
everyone has secrets that they don't want
anyone to know. So don't be ashamed if you
think you weird but, your not. It's cool being
mysterious like you might have cool
techniques:)


What Type Of Girl Are You???(Amazing Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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Hey guys!
Heh still in english. I got really depressed today and started to cut myself with a safteypin during class. It wasn't sharp enough to make me bleed. It only left marks. But how is everyone? Good hopefully. I want Hinaru's piccy! I wanna see his face! I'm so glad today is Friday! So, glad! My friend Heather came back for the seconed half of third. Heh I made her not skip the second half! Piggy and his girlfriend broke up and now I hate his girlfriend. I love Piggy to death and he got suspended today for defending her! He hit a guy that was makeing fun of her. I hoped I cheered him up atleast a little. Thgats one reason why I got so depressed. I hate to see Piggy sad. I also got bitched at by some preepy chick today. I was only trying to hand her, her paper, being the nice person I am, and then she said "hahaha not funny." I DON'T GET IT!!!! Stupid bitch. I almost got into a fight with a guy in my art class today to. He annoys the fuck out of me. He said everyone shut up before I make you! And I said Oh, you can't make me. And I said oh, bring it big boy. And then the teacher intervened. Oh, well. I really wasn't my shy polite self during art. I was the loud idiot I am inside and too afraid to show it!!! ^^'. But this is getting long....I think. And I'm really hungry. And my boobs hurt. I can't wait to see Chris tomorrow! The hilight of my week! Jenny and Shawn are spending the night over till Sunday since it's their weekend. Agh, talk about whinny hell on earth! BUY ME THIS BUY ME THAT!! Jenny is such a prep. But she is sweet though. Just a tad bratty. TAD THATS AN UNDERSTATMENT! Shutup inner concious! let the nice me do the talkin!!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
ps. I miss Matty.
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Thursday, November 18, 2004

   ELLO MATES!!!
Hey whats up everyone? It's ju8st lil ole me here! Well, guess what!? I almost have all of Gravitation now! Heather stole Vol. 1 and 7 for me! She's goin to try to get Hellsing the manga for me and vol. 4 of Gravi. Heather also got me a X-mas present too! She went around stealing everyone presents at the mall! I wish I could do something for her... I also got to eat today so now i don't have a head-ache! ^^ Anyways I'm in english class right now. Freddy and I traded out shirts today! I have his Godsmack shirt and hgis dragon/pentagram ncklace. Heather also had Clarity cards at school today. Clarity cards are like tarot, but answer your questions. I asked it about me and Chris and it said father-figure, really, but when I asked it about me and Freddy, it said wealth, happiness, and a suprise. I really love Chris and i'm gonna stay with him!!! > Well I wanna piccy from everyone who can send me one!
Gotta run! Love you all! Bai! Btw was the sever down last night for everyone? I couldn't access MYo or I would have allready checked your sites. But anyways I'll leave ypu all now with one fin al thought.....I'M GONNA MAKE TOAST!
~Purgatory-_-~Dead and Loveing it~
ps. CROW CHICKY IS A SEXXY BITCH!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, even if she doesn't think so!
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